#1
Hardly sober, or what I would call sober. I don't know about this, or if it's even grammatically correct, or if any words were used correctly in text, or whatever. Despite that, there's some true meaning behind this. I might add to this, or I might scrap it.

I've never tried writing in a style like this before really, so please, be harsh as can be.
And leave some links, I know I still owe a couple from my last piece.

"I have lost all accounts of suspended mirrors"

oh, chancellour, chancellour;
hear our bellowed cries.
we demand immediate attention.

we've gone through and passed,
and can recite all lines strictly from memory;
alas, we birth multiple meanings,
but they're based entirely on what was gathered from the reading.

"o, what doth this restless crowd leave on me?"

so condescending; lest the descent adhere with our every word.
elusive worries depend on an absent mind:
which take cautious precedence to our incandescent rise.

therefore, we dedicate our nighttime to some text,
written in the dust on the floor 'neath a creator's foot.
we understand that everything depends on our stance; on a point of view.

- "I could string a slew of words together.. in order to fashion some sort of figurative necklace;
to hang from your neck as to keep any of its meaning from going straight to your head."


"..and what has that to do with one bearing such high stature as I? What has that to do with anything being said?"


- "I just want you to fucking look good."

oh, embrace the qualities of such a standard enemy;
'you know you're all nothing more than numbers to me.'
Last edited by Final at Mar 23, 2007,
#2
I'll give this a shot...


"I have lost all accounts of suspended mirrors"

oh, chancellour, chancellour;
hear our bellowed cries.
we demand immediate attention.
This is an excellent intro, I like it very much. It certainly demanded my immediate attention hehe. One thing - it's "chancellor" not "chancellour".

we've gone through and passed,
and can recite all lines strictly from memory;
alas, we birth multiple meanings,
but they're based entirely on what was gathered from the reading.
I like this a lot too, although I'm not sure it flows so well. I'm not gonna venture into the meaning too much, but I like the idea of meaning just being regurgitations of what people have already told us. Perhaps change the second line and make it slightly shorter to make it flow better? Something like "entirely" instead of "strictly"? The extra syllable seems to make it more musical, at least to my ears.

"o, what doth this restless crowd pity on me?"
Not exactly sure what you mean by this... I'm not sure you can say "pity on". Perhaps think about a re-word?

so condescending; lest the descent adhere with our every word.
elusive worries depend on an absent mind:
which take cautious precedence to our incandescent rise.
I like this, but I'm not sure "incandescent" is the right word... Give this another thought...

therefore, we dedicate our night-time to some text,
written in the dust on the floor 'neath a creator's foot.
we understand that everything depends on our stance; on a point of view.
Brilliant, nothing to change here, I like this very much

- "I could string a slew of words together.. in order to fashion some sort of literal necklace;
to hang from your neck as to keep any of its meaning from going straight to your head." I like this, very clever indeed, but... correct me if I'm wrong, but by the way you've described it, it's a figurative necklace, not a literal one?

"..and what has that to do with one bearing such high stature as I? What has that to do with anything being said?"

- "I just want you to ****ing look good."
Usually I'm against swear-words because I think they're unnecessary, but I think it works strangely well here, it underlines the shallowness to great effect here.

oh, embrace the qualities of such a standard enemy;
'you know you're all nothing more than numbers to me.'
I like this very much too, a good ending.


All in all, I liked this man, very good indeed, very thought-provoking, and sufficiently ambiguous as to make you really think about it. All the things I pointed out were minor, and all it needs is one quick glance over.

Check mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=548946

Thanks man, I look forward to reading more!
Schecter S-1 Elite
Bareknuckle Miracle Man/Cold Sweat
ENGL Screamer
Digitech Bad Monkey
Boss DD-3
EHX Small Stone
EHX Small Clone
#3
Thank you very much, I went through and changed a couple of the things you pointed out. It can be spelled either 'chancellor' or 'chancellour', you know, like 'color' and 'colour'. Same diff. Thanks though, I really appreciate the comment. I'll get to yours and I hope I can help as much as you, too.
#4
Not a problem, I really enjoyed reading the piece, so it was fun to crit And I stand corrected on the chancellour thing hehe.
Schecter S-1 Elite
Bareknuckle Miracle Man/Cold Sweat
ENGL Screamer
Digitech Bad Monkey
Boss DD-3
EHX Small Stone
EHX Small Clone