#1
The winter will come again

Through your transparent eyes
They are candles in the night
but I can see
The ice that lies beneath

Below the thawing ice
I can see frost forming
freezing and shattering hearts
I can feel it

The winter will come again
Lost in the frozen sea
Shivering down my spine
Never feeling warmth

The fallen angel guided me
The way to the warmth
Only to know that
You were there waiting
All only for me

Winter will come again
When you are here beside me
I can feel the frost on my heart
Shivering down my spine

The winter will come again
Lost in the frozen sea
Shivering down my spine
Never feeling warmth

The winter will come again
Lost in the frozen sea
Shivering down my spine
Never feeling warmth

And will you please
Be my one and only sunshine
Thaw the frost and melt the ice
Stop the chilling winds and
Bring me warmth

I am dying of cold and darkness
You kill me like it's easy
Waning and wilting
Collapsing and dying

The winter will come again
The winter will come again...


2007, Invictious.

Please crit, I will crit yours too, and I will crit how you crit me, on quality.
This was just written in 10 minutes with an inspiration, and English isn't exactly my strength, any constructive criticisms are appreciated.
There is a lot to work with, so please bear with me.
Thanks.
Last edited by Invictious at Mar 22, 2007,
#2
damn, i need to sleep,but i'll get to ths later, pm me later and i'll crit fully

title caught my attention (If Winter Ends... Bright Eyes Song :p my favoriteBright Eyes song so i thought i'd check this out)

mine's called Raining (link in sig) i do't blame u if u don't Crit It Yet but i'll get to this ASAP

sonds good so far

Matt
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#4
Some changes

The winter will come again

Through your transparent eyes
They are candles in the night
but all that I can see
The ice that lies beneath

Below the thawing glacier
I can see frost forming
freezing and shattering hearts
I can feel it

The winter will come again
Lost in the frozen sea
Shivering down my spine
Never feeling warmth

The fallen angel guided me
knowing one thing
that you were there
waiting all only for me

Frozen in your silence
When you are here beside me
I can feel the frost in my heart
Shivering down my spine

The winter will come again
Lost in the frozen sea
Shivering down my spine
Never feeling warmth

The winter will come again
Lost in the frozen sea
Shivering down my spine
Never feeling warmth

Burning flames
in the hell of my heart
Thaw the frost and melt the ice
Stop the chilling winds and
Bring me warmth

I am losing myself
in the midst of your eyes
You kill me like it's easy
Waning and wilting
Collapsing and dying

The winter will come again
The winter will come again...
#5
Firstly, thanks for the PM i have been busy lately and this is practically my first time on in ages

Secondly, thought i'd look at this one instead of the other one :p

ok, into it

Quote by Invictious
Some changes

The winter will come again

Through your transparent eyes
They are candles in the night
but all that I can see
The ice that lies beneath

Nice opening stanza, it's interesting, not a lot of sense to it (they are candles - talking about her eyes? you said "through her transparent eyes" meaning they're see through etce etc) I like the ice that lies beneath line, good winter imagery here, the snow and flame thing etc

Below the thawing glacier
I can see frost forming
freezing and shattering hearts
I can feel it

This seems to just be a lead up stanza, no comments about it but that just doesn't hold much apart from Winter referances

The winter will come again
Lost in the frozen sea
Shivering down my spine
Never feeling warmth

Brilliant, except the last line, there's something about it that annoys me, simplicity/lack of intensity?

The fallen angel guided me
knowing one thing
that you were there
waiting all only for me

Great, really good, nothing to say

Frozen in your silence
When you are here beside me
I can feel the frost in my heart
Shivering down my spine

Reminds me of "The Shake" (i feel your lips like ice on the tip of my spine)

The winter will come again
Lost in the frozen sea
Shivering down my spine
Never feeling warmth

The winter will come again
Lost in the frozen sea
Shivering down my spine
Never feeling warmth

Burning flames
in the hell of my heart
Thaw the frost and melt the ice
Stop the chilling winds and
Bring me warmth

i like the heart/ice thingy, it was good, catch ya

I am losing myself
in the midst of your eyes
You kill me like it's easy
Waning and wilting
Collapsing and dying

Nice and simple, well done

The winter will come again
The winter will come again...


Nice, simple, work on more stuff and it'll be great

Well done
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#6
Now I shall reply and justify my literary techniques. Yes, response to feedback


The winter will come again

Through your transparent eyes
They are candles in the night
but all that I can see
The ice that lies beneath

Nice opening stanza, it's interesting, not a lot of sense to it (they are candles - talking about her eyes? you said "through her transparent eyes" meaning they're see through etce etc) I like the ice that lies beneath line, good winter imagery here, the snow and flame thing etc


Ahh yes, contradiction of candles in the night and transparent eyes..hmm, have to change that.
Yep, I am trying to create an image of blinding whiteness, then create some contrast below.


Below the thawing glacier
I can see frost forming
freezing and shattering hearts
I can feel it

This seems to just be a lead up stanza, no comments about it but that just doesn't hold much apart from Winter referances


Yes, it's meant to lead straight up to the chorus, the money hook
It is also to reiterate the points of the freezing feeling (alliteration there, get it?) and the whiteness
I have a feeling I need to change the stanza so it doesn't become sandbags, but this stanza mainly serves it's purpose to build up


The winter will come again
Lost in the frozen sea
Shivering down my spine
Never feeling warmth


Brilliant, except the last line, there's something about it that annoys me, simplicity/lack of intensity?

Now this is a bit tricky to respond to. Do you mean the sudden deflation?

The fallen angel guided me
knowing one thing
that you were there
waiting all only for me

Great, really good, nothing to say


Frozen in your silence
When you are here beside me
I can feel the frost in my heart
Shivering down my spine

Reminds me of "The Shake" (i feel your lips like ice on the tip of my spine)

oooooooooer...never heard of that song before

The winter will come again
Lost in the frozen sea
Shivering down my spine
Never feeling warmth

The winter will come again
Lost in the frozen sea
Shivering down my spine
Never feeling warmth

nothing said here, but I need to vary the chorus

Burning flames
in the hell of my heart
Thaw the frost and melt the ice
Stop the chilling winds and
Bring me warmth

i like the heart/ice thingy, it was good, catch ya

Does this count as 'post chorus'?

I am losing myself
in the midst of your eyes
You kill me like it's easy
Waning and wilting
Collapsing and dying

Nice and simple, well done

quietening ending I guess

The winter will come again
The winter will come again...
yadayada



Thanks a lot for your comments. They were immensely helpful.
#7
I thought you had a decent idea and method to go about that idea, at first, but the repetition leading all the way to the end kind of killed it. You should show less repetition in this piece.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#8
quite a piece of garbage keith. Haha ok im kidding, it's actually pretty good. Like the person above me stated, it could go without the repetition though.
This Week's Random Sig;;


Quote by stepco12345
Oh, and maggotx3, i love your avatar, it is quite humourous.