#1
As night falls and rain sweeps down
The troops all gather at the edge of town
Together,side by side
each one filled with pride

but not one will go home the same
as they were when they came.


They enter the frey
Noise deafening
beating like a drum
shaking your insides which could soon be out
The burning in your throat, fear of pain
Anticipation of whats to come
But don't forget whats to be gained
The respect of your comrades

Shot after shot flies by
but they're still going strong,
feel invicible
nothing can touch them
but complacency sets in,
carless actions bring
the moment of truth
as Smith takes a double shot...

Time stops in the haze
his body rocks

Can he take this?
He has to
But he can't
Boy playing a mans game

Weak at knees
He falls to the floor
"Shit smiths down, Smith can you hear me?"
"**** him he's gone, there's nothing we can do"
The fallen comrade,
just pray the next is not you
The last man standing is to take all

As time passes by
more and more fall
but the standing fight on.
Bodys carried passed
to be sent back home,
At the end of this night you could be standing alone

But final two stand proudly as the noise dies down
stumble outside and throw up on the ground
people all scattered down through the street
"In a bit Mate same time next week?"
#2
Hmm, interestin, started out like so many other poems/songs about soldiers/wars and didn't really catch my attention.

And personally did't really grab me at all...BUT by the end of it ur imagery had gotten to the point where i thought i was ok, you got stonger as you went on so well done

The last line, why does he say "in a bit Mate"? i mean, we have no mention of a question being asked, just the response... while i consider that vrse to be the best of the poem/song i didn't completely understand it

Anyway well done, read more as a story persoally

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This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#4
oh yeh it is'nt actually about war, its about me an my mates on a friday night seeing who can drink the most without passing out! ie the shots aren't bullets there a shot of vodka or watever. 'In a bit mate' is saying cya later then saying we'l do it all again next week! we put money on who can last the longest hence 'Last man standing takes all'
#5
nice way of using the whole story as a metaphor, liked it
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#6
Excellent. Can't really find much wrong with it except the last line, because I thought it was very clever how you managed to make getting drunk on a Friday night and war into the same experience, but you break the illusion in the last line, and it also seems a very sudden change in language (plus it doesn't completely make sense).
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#7
writing a piece that's grounded in metaphor is a very, very difficult feat to accomplish, let alone do well. you're on to a good start, but the trick here is to choose every single word with extreme care. look for words that can hold double meanings, phrases that can easily insinuate something other than what they say explicitly and make sure that you carry the metaphor all the way through.

there's some awkward phrasing in there - for example, i glanced at it and picked out "The last man standing is to take all" <-- you're sacrificing meaning here to save a certain flow or syllable count that you've got going. know what I mean?

anyway, it's a decent piece, i can definitely dig the metaphor but it does need some polishing to really make it good.

keep writing,

-Edgar