#1
Hey all... i'm back... for better or worse :p this song is really emotional for me meaning i wrote it purely on emotion so it's probbly not great lyrically, but i've been listening to a LARGE amount of Radiohead, mainly The Bends album which i'm in love with at the moment

So the songs a little bitlike that, when i get music for it, i'll post a link to that as well
Hope you like

RAINING

And i took the long way to your house
Falling down steps and stumbling about
As nervous before as i'll be when i get there
From the smell of her hair
Can you tell me you feel it?
It's this pull that i'm answering
It sucks at my body like a smuldering ash
Sucks the breathe from my chest till i crash

She looks like she's raining
She tastes like she's raining
She feels like she's raining
She's raining for... she's raining for...

Can you meet me in the backyard?
I've a story to tell... Can I get the words out
Like kids on the floor playing board games
I'm legs crossed and rocking, whispering nothings
Can you tell me you hear it?
It's that voice that i'm answering...
It calls to me soundlessly from your lips
Leaves me breathless and gasping for this (I'm dreaming)

She looks like she's raining
She tastes like she's raining
She feels like she's raining
She's raining for... she's raining for...

He takes her back
Holds her close, head to chest
And i'm watching, i'm screaming
I'm feeling his guilt - for him
What did i do to deserve this
Can't you see, he'll do it again
He'll do this again...

Acoustically
She looks like she's raining
She tastes like she's raining
She feels like she's raining
She's raining for... she's raining for...

Back in to rock
She looks like she's raining
She tastes like she's raining
She feels like she's raining
She's raining for... she's raining for...
Me!
(she's raining for)
Me!
For me, for me, for me

Fade out to acoustic ending
And she looks like she's raining
She tastes like she's raining
She feels like she's raining
But she tells me she's raining
For him...
yeah, she tells me she's raining
For him...
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
Last edited by Auals at Mar 22, 2007,
#2
And i took the long way to your house
I don't like how you start the setence with an 'and', makes it sound like it's already ending, but that's just me.
Falling down steps and stumbling about
As nervous before as i'll be when i get there
From the smell of her hair
Can you tell me you feel it?
It's this pull that i'm answering
The word 'pull' here is not that lyrical or poetic, or in general at least. Find a synonym
It sucks at my body like a smuldering ash
Smoldering you mean
Sucks the breathe from my chest till i crash
Do you mean 'breath'

She looks like she's raining
She tastes like she's raining
She WHAT? like she's raining!?
She feels like she's raining
She's raining for... she's raining for...

Can you meet me in the backyard?
Good, I like how you started this verse with a question, but it has a bit of sexual innuendo doesn't it.
I've a story to tell... Can I get the words out
Like kids on the floor playing board games
I'm legs crossed and rocking, whispering nothings
Can you tell me you hear it?
It's that voice that i'm answering...
It calls to me soundlessly from your lips
Leaves me breathless and gasping for this (I'm dreaming)

She looks like she's raining
She tastes like she's raining
She WHAT again!? Are you licking her or something?
She feels like she's raining
She's raining for... she's raining for...

He takes her back
Holds her close, head to chest
And i'm watching, i'm screaming
I'm feeling his guilt - for him
the 'for him' is repetitive and not needed. It makes this sentence very clunky
What did i do to deserve this
Incoherency with previous sentence, breaks the flow
Can't you see, he'll do it again
He'll do this again...

Acoustically
She looks like she's raining
She tastes like she's raining
Stop tasting her.
She feels like she's raining
She's raining for... she's raining for...

Back in to rock
She looks like she's raining
She tastes like she's raining
No. Stop tasting.
She feels like she's raining
She's raining for... she's raining for...
Me!
(she's raining for)
Me!
For me, for me, for me
You have kept the listener hoping to catch what she is raining for. The way that you just display the answer is too blatant and rather hmm...childish if I may say (sounds like some things that Barney would say). Try rephrasing it or putting something different

Fade out to acoustic ending
And she looks like she's raining
She tastes like she's raining
For the last time.
She feels like she's raining
But she tells me she's raining
For him...
yeah, she tells me she's raining
For him...


Overall, a very strong emotive poem, I can feel the emotions. However the way that you use raining as a metaphor can be unclear to listeners who don't get it in context. Unless you plan to say this everytime before you play this song, then I suggest try some revamping of the song story. Otherwise it's all good.
#3
You sound like my friend Ryan :p

The whole raining thing is another way of the "falling" thing, as in she's falling for... the way she looks, acts, tastes makes it seem like she's falling for the person and then it turns out she's not

well that's one meaning, probably the simplest

The other consists of lots of private meaning, the taste thing just followed the whole senses thing

Anywya, thanks man, i'll edit and repost... anymore opinions before i ediT?
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#4
Quote by Invictious

She looks like she's raining
She tastes like she's raining
She WHAT again!? Are you licking her or something?


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*clears throat*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


Sorry. I just found that really funny . It's a little repetitive, but it's a good song.
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#5
Quote by the_me_effect
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*clears throat*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


Sorry. I just found that really funny . It's a little repetitive, but it's a good song.


Yeah me too... You really need to get rid of the word taste and use something else, because whilst I got what you meant, it sounded very odd.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#7
Quote by the_me_effect
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*clears throat*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


Sorry. I just found that really funny . It's a little repetitive, but it's a good song.


Ally

There's so many things i can say as to why you'd laugh at that, but i won't... i'll be good

I got a 5.5 wow, you better hope to God I like your song buddy.

Thanks for your crits guys
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#8
Yes, and I'm just going to leave you guessing.
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.