#1
or maybe I just feel better.

I'm not the first to disappoint her
Not the first to let her down
Not the first to take her heart
And pop that pink balloon

Not the first to tell her
That she's too much to take
She smiles and says don't worry
"You'll find someone better soon."

She knows this song by heart
I think she wrote it
She waves away my apology
She's heard this joke before.

I was all about the chase
The hide and seek funhouse
But a simple man like me
Can't take her house of mirrors any more.
Last edited by Mistress Alia at Mar 23, 2007,
#2
sorry, but this seems a little....not good? maybe you should write "promiscuous not loveable" or "whorish, not loveable" i dunno. you should try to work with imagery more. paint a picture, dont just tell the story. it makes for good music. good luck.
#3
Thank you for your input. Sometimes a girl just needs to say bad words and scream.... that makes good music too depending on your outlook. It worked for Garbage.
#4
a lil heavy on the english language for sure... a lil more work and it should be good
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Viscara (my band)
#6
Can't see this drop down another page.

This wasn't anything special but above average. I felt you had some flow issues and a little bit more of the rhyme/internal rhyme wouldn't hurt the flow.

I feel the second verse can be improved, feels to unoriginal as it is.

#8
I'm not the first to disappoint her
Not the first to let her down
Not the first to take her heart
And pop that pink balloon

I was sure about the repeats of "first" for me, some kind of progression could work wonders, like 'First' 'Only' 'Last' with the emphasis still placed on those words when sung, Its just an idea, I'm just a fan of making the most of the space you have with lyrics; so repitition is a pet hate for me. Such as me hating bands that "ohhh" and "ahhhh" too much to cover for the fact they can't write to save their souls.I might add though, that isn't the case here. I like the last line, for obvious reasons reminds me of 99 Luftballons.

Not the first to tell her
That she's too much to take
She smiles and says don't worry
"You'll find someone better soon."

If its intentional disregard this, but I kinda felt that "better" was too colloquial, although I guess its the most natural thing to say. meh lol.

She knows this song by heart
I think she wrote it
She waves away my apology
She's heard this joke before.

The repeat of "she" in the last line kinda seems out of place for me, perhaps rewording the line to something like "This joke is getting old" I don't know, anything to avoid starting the line with "she" since 1 + 3 does, the 2 + 4 I guess shouldn't.

I was all about the chase
The hide and seek funhouse
But a simple man like me
Can't take her house of mirrors any more.

Thats a decent stanza. Overall I never mentioned the content, for the reason that I think thats spot on, it flows well too. Secretly I ike the fact theres no rhyme. I'm sure thos would sound great with music.

Take Care
Steve