#1
OK, this is the first time I've ventured into the realms of the S & L forum so I thought I'd post a little thing of mine. It's a work in progress so give me some constructive criticism as and when required.

Verse
When you're gone, when you've departed
You know you can't finish what you never started
Turn your face to see
That the man in the mirror is just another distance memory
Somebody save me

Pre-Chorus
From the hate and the lies that the writer denies
His intention is pure but for those he defies
It's a lost understanding, the conscience he shows
And a fight to the death in the canyon below

Chorus
This is a lost cause
This is a misery
This is a last chance
So save your sympathy
This is the story of a boy
Who knows he won't belong
This is a letter to the writer
Just another line in a song

Verse
Break out and save your attention
It's all gone, it's your recollection
Can't escape
When you're lost in a world where the currency is hate
They are all so fake

Pre-Chorus
You can rub out the letters that come from the hand
But it'll stay in your head, burried deep in the sand
Never will the worlds dare be spoken again
'Cause they shake up the system and aim to offend

Chorus 2
This is a lost cause
This is a misery
This is a last chance
So shield the light from me
This is the story of a boy
Who never never knew he could belong
This is a letter to the writer
Just another line in a song

Breakdown
Self inflicted suicide
He wrote, you died
Stole from inside
Last breath he sighed
Poison arrow, your heart
Coverage, wall art
Take back to start
Break me

That's all the lyrics I have so far...what do y'all think?
Quote by bjoern_swe
my mom found me sitting in the kitchen, eating Corn Flakes from the floor. when she asked me what I was doing, I just roared at her and ran up to my room.


George Foreman Grill Appreciation Society
#2
nice i can't really give crit but this rocks
Quote by Dillona
I think I want to have sex with you.

On topic: No, I haven't met any famous artists.


ofcourse i laughed xD

Quote by CoreysMonster
yeah we're all dead now. Turns out we've been in hell all along.

About the LHC

#4
OK, this is the first time I've ventured into the realms of the S & L forum so I thought I'd post a little thing of mine. It's a work in progress so give me some constructive criticism as and when required.

Verse
When you're gone, when you've departed
You know you can't finish what you never started
Turn your face to see
That the man in the mirror is just another distance memory
Somebody save me

(Really good except you need to chance "distance" to "distant")

Pre-Chorus
From the hate and the lies that the writer denies
His intention is pure but for those he defies
It's a lost understanding, the conscience he shows
And a fight to the death in the canyon below

(I like the imagery. Not quite sure what "the canyon below" means, but its cool)

B]Chorus
This is a lost cause
This is a misery
This is a last chance
So save your sympathy
This is the story of a boy
Who knows he won't belong
This is a letter to the writer
Just another line in a song

(Not sure but I think you need to change "this is a misery" to "this is misery" I know the whole "a" thing is part of the repetition, but it just doesnt work there.)

Verse
Break out and save your attention
It's all gone, it's your recollection
Can't escape
When you're lost in a world where the currency is hate
They are all so fake

(This is good. Probably my favorite of the piece. For some reason though I want the first line to say,"Break out and break your attention span"...sorta gives like a bridge imagery, but its your piece.)

Pre-Chorus
You can rub out the letters that come from the hand
But it'll stay in your head, burried deep in the sand
Never will the worlds dare be spoken again
'Cause they shake up the system and aim to offend

Chorus 2
This is a lost cause
This is a misery
This is a last chance
So shield the light from me
This is the story of a boy
Who never never knew he could belong
This is a letter to the writer
Just another line in a song


Breakdown
Self inflicted suicide
He wrote, you died
Stole from inside
Last breath he sighed
Poison arrow, your heart
Coverage, wall art
Take back to start
Break me

(This is great. Seems that your writing got better as the song progressed. Maybe change "Take back to start" to "Take me back to the start" or "Fall back to start")

That's all the lyrics I have so far...what do y'all think?

ok my opinions are in the parentheses after the different stanzas. Hope it helps. If you dont mind I've got a poem floating around on the 1st or 2nd page calle "My Answer". Would be great if you could crit back.
Fender Jazz Bass (lefty)
Epiphone Les Paul (lefty)