#1
Hi, I am looking for some feedback on my latest piece, "Soon". As a token of appreciation I would like to critique your work, so please leave a link so I know where to find it!

Soon (will most likely change song title very soon)

My ignorance becomes my only hope when virtue walks away;
with each sorrow step taken rendering such false compensation,
for my redemption, which breaks thin, while you’re still made of glass.
And yet you are so alluring; my passion for you wanders so freely when I see you smile.
Won’t you cease my passion with a promise and seal it with a kiss,
so with this great fidelity, we can indulge into the night and forever cherish it.
To realize what I’ve been missing, to notice what you’ve taken, and given it to someone else.
Just remember there is no blame for what has been said, or done, or wanted, or gotten,
as fault is a word so compressed it cannot breathe without recognition.

Our path does not bend far from the wind that blows awkward silence,
yes we are lost, but alignment counters silence with screams of curiosity.
Our prolonged fate does exist and one day you will see, you will walk with me.
It is not a concern of what will happen, but when?
Time is a remorseful pain which only you can inflect on me.
Do not make my perpetual happiness a never ending desire.
Let’s just forget the past, lure around our future and let the present be a memory of short time.
Now so apart, but through this distinguished destiny, we’re heading in the right direction.

- Chris
#2
My ignorance becomes my only hope when virtue walks away;
*i like this line*
with each sorrow step taken rendering such false compensation,
*dont like the use of "sorrow" here... just doesnt work... "sorry" would work... or else "step of sorrow" maybe.*
for my redemption, which breaks thin, while you’re still made of glass.
And yet you are so alluring; my passion for you wanders so freely when I see you smile.
*the two uses of "you" seem awkward... maybe use "your smile" at the end instead.*
Won’t you cease my passion with a promise and seal it with a kiss,
*"cease" isnt the right word for this line.... try "halt" or something like that.*
so with this great fidelity, we can indulge into the night and forever cherish it.
*"indulge" doesnt work with "into" after it... so maybe use "delve into"... or else just find a way to take out the "into".*
To realize what I’ve been missing, to notice what you’ve taken, and given it to someone else.
*take out the "it"*
Just remember there is no blame for what has been said, or done, or wanted, or gotten,
as fault is a word so compressed it cannot breathe without recognition.
*cool line*

Our path does not bend far from the wind that blows awkward silence,
yes we are lost, but alignment counters silence with screams of curiosity.
*was worried at first about the double use of "silence" but after rereading it i think it works well.*
Our prolonged fate does exist and one day you will see, you will walk with me.
It is not a concern of what will happen, but when?
Time is a remorseful pain which only you can inflect on me.
*inflict?*
Do not make my perpetual happiness a never ending desire.
Let’s just forget the past, lure around our future and let the present be a memory of short time.
Now so apart, but through this distinguished destiny, we’re heading in the right direction.

*well i thought this was pretty good actually... especially as far as content goes.... only a few things that just dont fit together right.... good job! keep it up.*

*mines in my sig.... thanks*