#1
This is what I refer to as a piece of a conversation. It was written as a response and a statement. A stipulation of my "conversations" is that they must be written all at once and as thoughts come to mind. This one in particular carries a deep meaning to me that I won't go into. Every grammatical error present is intended.
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WordsLetters, symbols
fall apart in the wake of
the sun. Days gone undone
(suddenbreath), for some.

Hardened on the cold ground
by a Moon's wonderful love.
brought to Life by morninglight
:hopefull, bright.

Parchd to dust, figure retains
by ultraRed stars of noon.

Falling apart in the wake, again.
Does anyone know the song that goes: ba ba bah, ba ba buh, bu ba bum, ba ba bah, ba bu buh, bu bu bum, bu ba bu bu bum baam?
#2
Quote by Peeno
This is what I refer to as a piece of a conversation. It was written as a response and a statement. A stipulation of my "conversations" is that they must be written all at once and as thoughts come to mind. This one in particular carries a deep meaning to me that I won't go into. Every grammatical error present is intended.
------------------------


WordsLetters, symbols
fall apart in the wake of
the sun. Days gone undone
(suddenbreath), for some.

i like the opening line and ending . but may be you can use "days go undone". i think it will give more meaning to above phrases. nice imagery by the way.

Hardened on the cold ground
by a Moon's wonderful love.
brought to Life by morninglight
:hopefull, bright.

i liked the first three lines but i didn't like the ending. ending in 1st one compared was much better then this one.

Parchd to dust, figure retains
by ultraRed stars of noon.

Falling apart in the wake, again.

i liked the overall ending of a piece




well its not my area and i am not expert on it but i liked how you compared things . whatever i felt wrong with the piece i told you. i am srry for being too straight and not helping you out muchbut i sure enjoyed reading it.
Hi
#3
Any crit is welcome and I'm glad you liked it.

Anyone else have opinions? I'd like to get more feedback.
Does anyone know the song that goes: ba ba bah, ba ba buh, bu ba bum, ba ba bah, ba bu buh, bu bu bum, bu ba bu bu bum baam?
#4
Rock on, dude. That was cool, but if you were going to make that a song, you'd have to add to it.
#5
I like this. It's like the words and letters of the poem themselves are falling apart, which is a cool idea to write about in the visual way with errors. The second stanza I felt was a weak point. I liked it in terms of the errors, but the last two lines in terms of writing could have been better, I just feel like there could have been more there for content or description. Other than that I really liked this piece.

Samuel Taylor Coleridge also used to write what he called "conversation pieces," though I'm not sure they entail the same things as yours. I just thought it was and interesting coincidence.

Anyway, if you could get to mine in my sig, that'd be nice.
#6
WordsLetters, symbols
fall apart in the wake of
the sun. Days gone undone
(suddenbreath), for some.

Hardened on the cold ground
by a Moon's wonderful love.
brought to Life by morninglight
:hopefull, bright.

Parchd to dust, figure retains
by ultraRed stars of noon.

Falling apart in the wake, again.


Oh wow this is very different. Its good to see others trying new things. S1 is perfect imo, reads well, and is a very solid effort. S2 - I think its neccassary to re establish the focus in the opening line. As it is, it seems very out in the open as to what you are referring to. I wasn't keen on the rhyme in this stanza, it felt lacking, and condescended the piece as a whole. The penultimate stanza felt too isolated, too ineffective for me. However the final line is excellent, really works well. Overall this is a piece heading in the right direction, ironically it needs some work.

peACE
Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#7
Ketchup - Its not a song, doubt it ever will be, so the length isn't a problem. I'm glad you liked it. I'll probably be posting a song this week, I hope.

Ad*Astra - I didn't know that about Coleridge, I'll have to check that out. I appreciate the full crit.

Steve - I really appreciate the analysis. The whole thing is a cycle. I guess its like the life cycle of a moth or something. Egg - worm - pupa - moth - egg. Just as a rough example. Just to give a little more insight, if you didn't pick up on that the first time. I tried to make it clear with the last line.

I will keep all of your suggestions in mind. This piece, however, is done and won't change. If I changed it it wouldn't be a conversation piece anymore, it'd be a poem. The next time I write a conversation piece, though, I will definitely have all of this in mind. Thank you all very much for your thoughts and opinions.

I'm still very open for more thoughts and opinions, just to make sure that all bases are covered.
Does anyone know the song that goes: ba ba bah, ba ba buh, bu ba bum, ba ba bah, ba bu buh, bu bu bum, bu ba bu bu bum baam?
#8
Yeah I figured with the varying parts of the day. It is clear enough dont get me wrong, and I realise modifying a conversation piece isn't really how its meant to work, I just feel with the basis you have a couple of tweaks would make it sweet. Why sacrifice something like this for the sake of calling it a "conversation" piece, is my only retort. It is however your wish not to, so I honour that. If you have time, I'd love some feedback on the piece in my sig.


I have personally selected this since NONE of the people nominating did so. So you're all sacked, with the exception of the one I asked to stay on. (If you read this, yes you were the only one) New nominators have been appointed.

I chose this for the writers use of imagination, and ways to effectively use the dirty side of the language in order to convey a point.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Mar 25, 2007,
#9
haha, you said "sacked."

hmm I always wondered how things like sotw get chosen.. i'd also like to point out that the vast majority of sotw's and, as a matter of fact, everything posted in the S+L section of UG, is poetry, prose and freewriting. i find it quite amusing that "song of the week" is seldom in what I would consider the form of a song- more often than not, it's a handful of descriptive lines.

not complaining, i'm just saying.

good night.
#10
Well, damn. I didn't expect this. Thank you and I'm honored that "Wake" was chosen as SOTW.

Oh yeah. The conversations I write are actually, very, literally conversations. This is just the latest one. They are written back and forth between me and a very dear friend. From there it just gets complicated, but she is a very talented writer and I only struggle to match what she sends me. That's the reason I choose not to change it.
Does anyone know the song that goes: ba ba bah, ba ba buh, bu ba bum, ba ba bah, ba bu buh, bu bu bum, bu ba bu bu bum baam?
Last edited by Peeno at Mar 26, 2007,
#11
Quote by KetchupLad14
Rock on, dude. That was cool, but if you were going to make that a song, you'd have to add to it.


It wouldn't have to be longer to be a song.... I thought it was good too.