#1
OK, well i did this song. It's like everything i feel towards my dad, who died almost 3 years ago, and it's basically how i feel and stuff. Please don't crit too harshly but if you do, it's fine.
Here we go, please tell me what you think

I look into the cold blue eyes,
They stare through me
You’re just talking at me,
You like to think you’re talking to me
A million memories stab me,
You ask what’s wrong, as if you care
I say I’m fine,
And fall again into the stare

Those cold blue eyes tortured my mother,
One day she would get her revenge
It’s too late now,
You’ve gone some how
And the dream’s coming to an end

I don’t believe you lectured me all those times,
With the syringe still hanging in your arm,
About how if I put my mind to it,
Then hopefully I’ll get far,
Did that work for you?
Is that why you slowly got fat,
And it was days before,
You were found rotting in this flat?

I did try to convince her,
That One day she would get her revenge
It’s too late now,
You’ve gone some how
And the dream’s coming to an end


Your brother looks just the image of you,
I’ve been convinced that I do too,
It’s the depth in the eyes they say,
I saw no depth in yours,
I still have a picture,
It’s a little one on my phone,
Just a few days before you,
Died, cold and alone.
Back and sexier than ever

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#3
Wow, that was good, where do I start?

Amazing for the first time, definitely. I feel like you really meant it and felt it. Very poetic. The only small problem is the middle of the first stanza (I guess that's what it's called, I'm using poetry terms), it's not quite as smooth as the rest, but otherwise, everything's really good.

It would be awesome if you would take a look at mine.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=551076
#4
Wow. You certainly carry your emotions through it, I'll give you that. But I think that it does trail off a bit towards the end...Maybe take a different direction at the end?
#6
Quote by gallagher2006
Wow. You certainly carry your emotions through it, I'll give you that. But I think that it does trail off a bit towards the end...Maybe take a different direction at the end?


OK, i see where you're coming from, what do you suggest i do at that point? My plan for that last bit was to put in that line that sticks, but is there a better way?
Back and sexier than ever

Co-founder and #1 member of The Pick-Eater's club. PM me to join.
n00baid member - PM draken to join
#7
i think the only good stanza is the last one but you gonna get rid of the commas because you don't need them at the end of each line.
but i really liked the last one.
#8
you should be listening to EVERYONE giving you advice.

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