#1
So here is a song I wrote tonight, and I would like some critique on. I know it has some rough lines, and I'm hoping some of you can help me point it out! Thanks

A Note From The Heart
I like to think of writing as an art
As long as it comes from the heart
Broken pens, writing broken thoughts
Taken chances, and broken hearts

Here is my guitar, torn and depressed
Scars on both sides, from when it knew me best
I remember the nights, when it numbed my pain
Put me to sleep, and eased the strain

Stealing my words
Isn't how to play the game
You should know by now
I hate, and I will put you to shame

Let's lie behind closed doors, not say a word
Don't break the oath, don't breath a word

Stealing my words
Isn't how to play the game
You should know by now
I hate, and I will put you to shame


Thanks to everyone

~nDE

EDIT: I've removed this verse

"From when times were best, and those fierce life tests
I thirst your voice, and your passion to start over

Start over on us all"
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Quote by Xp3ns1v3
I thought it was illegal for women to use the internet.
Last edited by AthenasGhost at Mar 24, 2007,
#2
I like this alot, it captures the feel of what your doing and it's noticable but not to much so, which means you accomplishmed your primary goal as a songwriter. The only part that messes the flow for me is the "Stealing my words" stanza, you might can clean that up a little bit, although it's fine as is. Keep it up
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#3
Quote by punkrockconcept
I like this alot, it captures the feel of what your doing and it's noticable but not to much so, which means you accomplishmed your primary goal as a songwriter. The only part that messes the flow for me is the "Stealing my words" stanza, you might can clean that up a little bit, although it's fine as is. Keep it up


That's what I was thinking as well for the chorus, it just didn't fit very well with the song, so me thinks... If you were wondering what I was trying to get across with this song is.

Well lets start with the first body

I like to think of writing as an art
As long as it comes from the heart
Broken pens, writing broken thoughts
Taken chances, and broken hearts

What I was trying to get across with this is, yes, writing original can get you a good song, but if you are writing for yourself, then it's good to write what comes from the heart. Lots of people write about love, etc. And it can be looked down on by alot of people because it's a cliché with lots of other songs, but I think as long as it comes from the heart, then that's the most you can ask for. As well as, no matter how cliché a song is, that if you write what you feel, it is an art itself, well that's my oppinion anyways. I think it just might be me just re-assuring myself because I write alot of cliché songs. I think I was just sort of trying to start off with this topic, and mold it into a song about my feelings as it went on.

My second one, well it just sort of happened, you know, everyone has those feelings when they do something that they really like to escape the world, for me it just happens to usually be my guitar. (As for my lyrics are personal, they are usually where maybe, some people can relate what I'm talking about, and some can't, based around my life, not the world. Parts of this song I do see it being less personal though.)

And now this brings to the chorus, well I really don't know what I was trying to accomplish with this, honestly. It might have just been how I wrote my anger down on paper of how I feel towards an old friend right now, and it may have also partly been about people stealing other peoples work, it happens very often, songs being stolen, lyrics being stolen, and art being stolen. But I think I may base a different song around this chorus at another time.

See, the thing is. I hardly ever have themes for my songs, I just write what I feel. Which is a thing I need to learn as a songwriter. I only just recently starting writing lyrics (Around christmas) and have around 15 songs finished, and unrefined. But it is something that takes practise, and I have improved, but there are still many things I could learn.

Thank you for your input and sorry for those paragraphs

~nDE
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Quote by Xp3ns1v3
I thought it was illegal for women to use the internet.
#4
First of all, thanks for the crit, I really appreciate it. Well, I really enjoyed reading this. I( thought it was quite good. But there were however some lines I thought that could be better. "From when times were best, and those fierce life tests
I thirst your voice, and your passion to start over". This line right here seems really awkward to me. Just the way its worded. "I hate, and I will put you to shame". I really didn't like this line because for one it didin't really seem to fit in with the rest of the piece. Secondly, it seems too much like a weak, empty threat, and it really takes a way from the piece. Besides those few lines, this is a pretty solid piece. Nice job, man.
#5
Quote by themarsvolta
First of all, thanks for the crit, I really appreciate it. Well, I really enjoyed reading this. I( thought it was quite good. But there were however some lines I thought that could be better. "From when times were best, and those fierce life tests
I thirst your voice, and your passion to start over". This line right here seems really awkward to me. Just the way its worded. "I hate, and I will put you to shame". I really didn't like this line because for one it didin't really seem to fit in with the rest of the piece. Secondly, it seems too much like a weak, empty threat, and it really takes a way from the piece. Besides those few lines, this is a pretty solid piece. Nice job, man.


Thanks for the crit, and what you mentioned in it, is exactly what I was questioning the whole way through. But now I know, I will change those lines because I agree they do not fit in well at all. And that "I hate, and I will put you to shame" is exactly that, a lame, cheesy, weak, empty threat.

Thanks for your crit, I will think of ways to improve this song over the next few days, and when I do I will edit the song, and this post.

Thanks
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Quote by Xp3ns1v3
I thought it was illegal for women to use the internet.
#6
Not bad. I got an acoustic vibe from it.
"Freedom has no value if violence is the price."