#1
portugal.
where the canoe's swim upside down in oil spills and
the row bots consume our digital energy through power lined
cityscapes. tracing your steps like a lumberjack in a hacksaw universe,
where its you, me, the oxygen we breathe and the carnivores carrying
umbrellas in a tropical sandstorm, passing out brochures for some
two cent entertainment.

washed up folk singers in washed out bars
with some hurricane enthusiasm,
singing about the ozone and a black hole where we will drift like
trees in a spring breeze and a wingless canary singing out of key.
Last edited by rushmore at Mar 26, 2007,
#2
portugal.
where the canoe's swim upside down in oil spills and
the row bots consume our digital energy through power lined
cityscapes
tracing your steps like a lumberjack in a hacksaw universe
where its you, me, the oxygen we breathe and the carnivores carrying
umbrellas
in a tropical sandstorm passing out brochures for some
two cent entertainment.

washed up folk singers in washed out bars
with some hurricane enthusiasm
singing about the ozone and a black hole where we will drift like
trees in a spring breeze and a wingless canary singing out of key.

I bolded and italicized the parts that seemed either unclear or out of place. Here's a quick rundown:

"the row bots..." -- "bots" should be "boats." Also, the part about them consuming digital energy is really funky.. I wouldn't expect that rowboats, being as low tech as they are, would consume any sort of "digital energy," metaphorical or otherwise.

"lumberjack in a..." -- this part has the potential to be a great simile, but it misses the mark imo. The same could be said for the "row boats" part as well. If you had said "Lumberjack in a factory universe" or something that implies that the simple lumberjack was left behind in the sudden technological trend, it would make more sense to me. I thought you were setting up an "old world vs. new world" scene, but now I'm not sure at all what you're telling me.

"carnivores carrying..." -- well, I don't get it. how do carnivores fit in to what you're trying to express in this poem? why are they carrying umbrellas? there's too many loose ends, too few explanations.

"hurricane enthusiasm" -- why would washed up folk singers sing with hurricane enthusiasm? there is a famous folk song that I believe is called "Hurricane" by Bob Dylan, so if you capitalized the "h" in "hurricane" it could be seen as a reference to that...

Overall, there was a lot of groovy phrasing and excellent use of word sounds to make the piece flow. I outlined my concerns pretty thoroughly above, so I hope this helps.


When you get a chance, I've got some lyrics on the first page titled "Holding On." If you could check 'em out, that'd be rad.

Peace -Edgar
#3
this song is just basically about the end of the world if that clears anything up.
the carnivores, the row bots, thats all how its supposed to be
thank you
#4
So the end of the world begins in Portugal? Yeah I can see that.

Firstly I'll raise the grammar issue again, it needs it tbh. Just when reading it so much was lost while I retraced my steps cause I missread something.

portugal.
where the canoe's swim upside down in oil spills and
I toyed with idea of saying "spilt oil" as in spilt milk. I think it would fit with the tone overall, just an idea.
the row bots consume our digital energy through power lined
cityscapes tracing your steps like a lumberjack in a hacksaw universe
I agree with Edgar on this part, the juxtaposition seems off for me, a hacksaw isn't a strong enough item to ellicit any deeper meaning, where as "power lined cityscapes" has so many connotations and images. Perhaps make a reference to deforestation, as a means of displacing how we destroyed, then got destroyed, circle of life that kinda thing.
where its you, me, the oxygen we breathe and the carnivores carrying
umbrellas in a tropical sandstorm passing out brochures for some
two cent entertainment.
Excellent set of lines, I love the primal carnivores, with the modern umbrella carrying businesmen, tropical sandstorm, covering most of the world, and the brochures part is just awesome too. Great stuff.

washed up folk singers in washed out bars
with some hurricane enthusiasm
singing about the ozone and a black hole where we will drift like
trees in a spring breeze and a wingless canary singing out of key.

I really liked this ending, although I felt cheated that you didn't included anything more personal, either through the eyes of a character, or yourself. Even if it was one line saying "Meanwhile I sat in a downtown bar with...washed up folk...." I think that will really put a whole deeper perspective on the piece. Like "yeah so what the world is ending, lets get a drink..." I dont know, just an idea.

That said this is a decent piece that I love, and yeah it is a good break from the "Marrow Ocean" pieces, bring them back in a few weeks. Keep it up man, this style is great. If you get time theres apiece in my sig.

peACE
#5
what the hell is a row bot? you lost me..

anyway, if you could check out my latest (in my sig) i'd be much obliged.

: )
#6
I only gave it a super quick read, but I can tell you need punctuation badly.

I love , however, how you still switch from one idea to another. This is what caught my eye in the very first pieces you posted here.

So good job. I'll give this a proper critique later.
#7
Quote by ndakasimba
what the hell is a row bot? you lost me..

anyway, if you could check out my latest (in my sig) i'd be much obliged.

: )


row bot=robot. Except all clever cause it also means rowboat. At least I think that's what he was going for.

I really liked this; I liked how it sort of compared the end of the world to a sleazy vacation spot, or at least that's what the lines about carnivores handing out entertainment brochures
and washed up folk singers sounded like to me. I actually liked the hacksaw line, the harshness of a "hacksaw universe" seems to fit what you're talking about. The only line I didn't like all the much was the last similie about wingless canaries, it didn't really fit.

Crit mine if you get a chance?