#1
OK, well i did this song. It's like everything i feel towards my dad, who died almost 3 years ago, and it's basically how i feel and stuff. Please don't crit too harshly but if you do, it's fine.
Here we go, please tell me what you think
And to those who can see this and posted in my old thread, the old thread was closed because i didn't write what was needed in the title

I look into the cold blue eyes,
They stare through me
You’re just talking at me,
You like to think you’re talking to me
A million memories stab me,
You ask what’s wrong, as if you care
I say I’m fine,
And fall again into the stare

Those cold blue eyes tortured my mother,
One day she would get her revenge
It’s too late now,
You’ve gone some how
And the dream’s coming to an end

I don’t believe you lectured me all those times,
With the syringe still hanging in your arm,
About how if I put my mind to it,
Then hopefully I’ll get far,
Did that work for you?
Is that why you slowly got fat,
And it was days before,
You were found rotting in this flat?

I did try to convince her,
That One day she would get her revenge
It’s too late now,
You’ve gone some how
And the dream’s coming to an end


Your brother looks just the image of you,
I’ve been convinced that I do too,
It’s the depth in the eyes they say,
I saw no depth in yours,
I still have a picture,
It’s a little one on my phone,
Just a few days before you,
Died, cold and alone.
Back and sexier than ever

Co-founder and #1 member of The Pick-Eater's club. PM me to join.
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#2
emoional. i really lik the questioning aspect of the song. It flows nicely as well, but have you considered breaking the 8 line stanzas into 2 4 line sections. I think that, because of the contet of the song, that it'll be much more hard hitting. Still, im impressed with how you got all that emotion into one song. Well done
#3

I look into the cold blue eyes,
They stare through me
You’re just talking at me,
You like to think you’re talking to me
A million memories stab me, (This part doesn't flow much.)
You ask what’s wrong, as if you care
I say I’m fine,
And fall again into the stare

Those cold blue eyes tortured my mother,
One day she would get her revenge
It’s too late now,
You’ve gone some how
And the dream’s coming to an end

(Very nice. I enjoyed this. Except for maybe "And the dream's coming to an end." you could have something else, sounds cliche.)

I don’t believe you lectured me all those times,
With the syringe still hanging in your arm,
About how if I put my mind to it,
Then hopefully I’ll get far,
Did that work for you?
Is that why you slowly got fat,
And it was days before,
You were found rotting in this flat?

(Good.)

I did try to convince her,
That One day she would get her revenge
It’s too late now,
You’ve gone some how
And the dream’s coming to an end,

(Once again, good. But "Dream's coming to an end." isn't working for me.)

Your brother looks just the image of you,
I’ve been convinced that I do too,
It’s the depth in the eyes they say,
I saw no depth in yours,
I still have a picture,
It’s a little one on my phone,
Just a few days before you,
Died, cold and alone.
(Very nice.)


I liked it overall, 7/10.
Quote by TiMaRmStRoNg101
there was once this girl
in my school
and she was like
'greenday is so punk'

and i was all
omgelitist
'fawkofffffffffff'
and punched her in the face.
cause i can do that
cause I know more about punk rock and stuff
Last edited by CoolDudeMorgasm at Mar 24, 2007,
#4
Quote by CoolDudeMorgasm
I liked it overall, 7/10.


Yeh, i don't really like the dream bit, it was based on a dream though. I had a dream that i was talking to him again, and as soon as i started to shout at him, and say how i felt, the dream ended and he disappeared. Maybe if i explain that before i play the song, it'll de-cliche it
Back and sexier than ever

Co-founder and #1 member of The Pick-Eater's club. PM me to join.
n00baid member - PM draken to join
#5
wow,thats a very deep song a very depressing one as well.I kinda wished for a happy ending,but this isn't good vibrations here its more paint it black,lol.You wrote it very well what you where talking about here alot of people can relate too and will really like it.
#6
deep. Very, very deep. I like the feel, goosebumps. The flow may have some issues, but powerful.