#1
Another short. Tentative title. Any comments appreciated. Crit for crit.



Call me cynical,
I don't think it's possible
to want what you need
or love what you want.
I see the confines, I'm
somewhere between
a hard place and
a rock.
#2
I'm here! *Bursts through the door with a tie and coat half on, not wearing pants (don't ask)*

Anyway...

I can derive a personal dilemma from this. Its something that almost everyone can relate to, but, yet, can hold a very personal sentiment to the author. In that respect it is very good. The presentation could be better. Its presented in a very succinct package, which I'm sure is intentional, but I think that you can retain the same messge, in the same span with different word usage that would provoke more thought and be more grabbing. With short peices this can be hard to do. But, if someone takes the time to really read it, they'll find a very true and important message.
Does anyone know the song that goes: ba ba bah, ba ba buh, bu ba bum, ba ba bah, ba bu buh, bu bu bum, bu ba bu bu bum baam?
#3
With a poem this short it's hard to give useful criticism... all I can really say is that it flows very nicely and makes its point very well for only being 2 sentences long. Those first 4 lines are pretty much perfect in my opinion, the first 3 lines actually form a haiku which is cool. Some nice half rhymes too, I liked it.

Crit mine when you get a chance?
#4
Call me cynical,
I don't think it's possible
to want what you need
or love what you want.
I see the confines, I'm
somewhere between
a hard place and
a rock.

Hmm I love the first 4 lines, they are very well worded and concise. Displaying a clear and loud message. However, I feel that the last 4 suffer because of the structure you employed to begin with. It seems too sparse, less concise and slightly uneffective. Using such a common adage in a piece this short, deviates away from the message you are trying to present. Despite the adage being very apt for the piece, and your attempt to personalise it, I still dont think it works. Still as a whole it is a very effective piece.

If you have time theres a piece in my sig.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#5
Quote by Ad*Astra
Another short. Tentative title. Any comments appreciated. Crit for crit.



Call me cynical,
I don't think it's possible
to want what you need
or love what you want.
I see the confines, I'm
somewhere between
a hard place and
a rock.


Its very short so its hard to say much. The first four lines are good, i dont know about the last four tho. it seems as if you could have gone somewhere else with it but instead you made it realyl short and simple. It works, but doesnt stand out much.

b4b? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1089713