#1
crit for crit I wrote this for one of my friends. Here it is:

I hardly know you
but maybe i know you too well
tryin' to be your friend
but that won't work out in the end

i always want something more
i want your hand to touch mine
i want our eyes to lock
and for you to feel the vibe

with a glance my way
i forget what to say
with a single smile baby,
there's nothing i wouldnt do

I always want something more
i want your hand to touch mine
i want our eyes to lock
and for you to feel the vibe

maybe i'm going crazy
and there's nothing there
but we'll never know
if we dont give you and i a try

thanks for reading
Last edited by Cyclones41 at Mar 25, 2007,
#2
i like it, it has a good "vibe" to it-pun not intended! i really like the last 2 lines of the chorus. nice job. and i really like the last line
If every simple song i wrote
would take your breath away
i'd write it all
#3
Quote by Cyclones41
crit for crit I wrote this for one of my friends. Here it is:

I hardly know you
but maybe i know you too well
tryin' to be your friend
but that won't work out in the end

Good opener brings life to the story. For me its reads with choppy flow i struglle to find a rhythm.

i always want something more
i want your hand to touch mine
i want our eyes to lock
and for you to feel the vibe

I like this chorus set up, the flow is much better... im not a fan on consecutive lines starting the same but i can't suggest another way. very good.

with a glance my way
you make me forget what to say
with a single smile baby,
there's nothing i wouldnt do

The second line seems out of rhythm with the others, maybe shortening to "I forget..."

I always want something more
i want your hand to touch mine
i want our eyes to lock
and for you to feel the vibe

maybe i'm going crazy
and there's nothing there
but we'll never know
if we dont give you and i a try

thanks for reading


Good job overall, just minor rhythmic issues that may be due to interpretation. Ending is good chorus is great. Keep up the good work!