#1

It was called Rocko's Modern Life.
It came out of the 90's.
But something never sat right about me with it.
In the show, Philbert the turtle was married to Dr. Hutchins
(Or at least I think that was her name), and they had several
children: two turtles, a smaller Hutchins, and one that looked
oddly like Heffer the steer.
What the Hell was I supposed to gather from this?
Adultery?
Cartoons were supposed to be an escape but I found
myslef with more questions than I had before I turned
on the television set.

Everyone gets along as children.
The notion of childhood bullies was pretty non-existent
except for the movies, where a fight starts because of
something as trite and trivial as lunch money.
I walked up to Brandon Coates on a Saturday afternoon.
Must've been eight years old.
"You ever fucked a girl yet Brandon?"
"Wh-what do you mean?"
"I mean sticking your pee-weiner in her pee-weiner."
"No, that's gross."
"Yeah, you're right."
He was armed to the teeth with fake plastic guns and swords,
hunting imaginary bears and shooting imaginary members of
the Foot Clan and the Puddy Patrol.
I turned to him again.
"I'm gonna fight you Brandon."
"I don't want to do that," he said.
I kicked a paper cup sitting on his lawn.
"Yeah, fighting's gay...," I said.

Sixteen came as fast as head lice.
I took Brandon's sister to Homecoming and felt her up.
Before the end of the night I had become a man and I had
turned that spoiled guinea into a woman.
I told Brandon the next day and he took a swing at me,
but I countered with a swift jab to his jaw.
He fell down in his own front yard crying and his mother, a great
burly sort of a bitch yelled at me.
"Fucking faggot," I said to him and I walked back
home with a cigarette behind my ear.
I went to bed feeling better about a lot of things,
But not much better.
Poor advice.
#5

It was called Rocko's Modern Life.
It came out of the 90's.
But something never sat right about me with it. it always bothered me a little too
In the show, Philbert the turtle was married to Dr. Hutchins
(Or at least I think that was her name), and they had several
children: two turtles, a smaller Hutchins, and one that looked
oddly like Heffer the steer. can't find anything that i don't like here...
What the Hell was I supposed to gather from this?
Adultery?
Cartoons were supposed to be an escape but I found
myslef with more questions than I had before I turned
on the television set.
beautiful as far as i'm conserned. the sort of innocent character seems to work well for me here

Everyone gets along as children. dont love how you start with this but i dont hate it.
The notion of childhood bullies was pretty non-existent
except for the movies, where a fight starts because of
something as trite and trivial as lunch money. k this is good for me because it's pretty much true to my experiences
I walked up to Brandon Coates on a Saturday afternoon.
Must've been eight years old.
"You ever fucked a girl yet Brandon?"
"Wh-what do you mean?"
"I mean sticking your pee-weiner in her pee-weiner."
"No, that's gross."
"Yeah, you're right."

He was armed to the teeth with fake plastic guns and swords,
hunting imaginary bears and shooting imaginary members of
the Foot Clan and the Puddy Patrol. i like this but the foot clan and puddy patrol does remind me of a certain piece you recently posted (groove patrol part)- not that this is bad im just saying that was the first thing that came in my mind
I turned to him again.
"I'm gonna fight you Brandon."
"I don't want to do that," he said.
I kicked a paper cup sitting on his lawn.
"Yeah, fighting's gay...," I said.
i like this part too. it's just the awkwardness seems to fit so nicely


Sixteen came as fast as head lice.
I took Brandon's sister to Homecoming and felt her up.
Before the end of the night I had become a man and I had
turned that spoiled guinea into a woman. i like how you start the piece slow and dragging then start this part with how fast "it" happened and then the whole stanza keeps that theme and seems kind of urgent. i dont like the use of the word guinea but thats just personal preference i suppose
I told Brandon the next day and he took a swing at me,
but I countered with a swift jab to his jaw.
He fell down in his own front yard crying and his mother, a great
burly sort of a bitch yelled at me.
"Fucking faggot," I said to him and I walked back
home with a cigarette behind my ear.
I went to bed feeling better about a lot of things,
But not much better.
nice man i like the attitude- it makes a statement and completes it as far as what i'm gathering to be kind of a message from this piece.

no big problems for me at all and as usual, i enjoyed it thoroughly
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#8
Good song, good message. Was a little hard to follow though, the flow is interesting. It reminds me a little of Trophy Scars. And I like the whole story like thing and not all worried about being structured. I liked it.
#9
i never comment on your pieces but i always read them. and i'm always impressed. this is probably my favorite ever from you. its so blunt but yet incredibly clever at the same time. i love the way you used rocko's modern life in the beginning. for me this perfectly sums up all of the absurd feelings growing up that i could never quite put into words. amazing job.
#10
Love it love it love it.

Not sure where polar bears fits in though. I'm intoxicated and tired though so meh.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#12
Oh, and the Foot Clan and Puddy Patrol are references to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers, respectively.
Poor advice.
#13
wow, that's brilliant.

this one's so much more comprehensible than most of your other pieces, so therefore I like it the best. nice work, honestly.
#15
That was fantastic. I thought it was odd in the second paragraph that your character seemed to have so little innocence but agreed with the other child. Also, the ending felt a bit anti-climactic.

However, this was a brilliant piece, seems like an effortlessly amazing musing of a disillusioned 16 yr old with too much time on their hands. Well done.

(Crit "The Greatest Trick..." in my sig? I don't usually do this but I'm desperate.)
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
Last edited by break-me-in at Mar 25, 2007,
#16
okay, heres what i got:
your character seems to always start with his own opinion, but alters it to agree with what the other child is thinking.
then in the end, he hits brandon, i guess it relieves some childhood pressure.

am i right? not even close?

this was amazing, whether i understood or not. some of your work is so.. vauge. this is by far the bluntest, and blunt is beautiful.
great.

darkangel322
The only truly consistent people are dead people.

#17
I guess it's somewhat of a blunt piece about conceptions your supposed to have as a kid and what you're really feeling. Questioning the nature of a cartoon show is one of those grand ideas that few kids will ever get. And here, the boy talks about sex and fighting to another kid because that's what eight year old boys do. There supposed to be curious about "adult" things, but the protaganist isn't. And the end is supposed to be more of a question than an ending as to which decisions he made as a kid (Did he fight alot? Did he have sex as a means to experiment or is he just an asshole now?).

I really like this one. It's as open to interpretation as anything I'll probably do.
Poor advice.
#19

It was called Rocko's Modern Life.
It came out of the 90's.
But something never sat right about me with it.
In the show, Philbert the turtle was married to Dr. Hutchins
(Or at least I think that was her name), and they had several
children: two turtles, a smaller Hutchins, and one that looked
oddly like Heffer the steer.
What the Hell was I supposed to gather from this?
Adultery?
Cartoons were supposed to be an escape but I found
myslef with more questions than I had before I turned
on the television set.

Didn't really like this part. I see the idea you are trying to portray, but it seems too direct, and precise. Maybe it's jsut me, but I'd like it if you made it more vague. Instead of focusing on one show, it'd be cool if you talked about cartoons in general.

Everyone gets along as children.
The notion of childhood bullies was pretty non-existent
except for the movies, where a fight starts because of
something as trite and trivial as lunch money.
I walked up to Brandon Coates on a Saturday afternoon.
Must've been eight years old.
"You ever fucked a girl yet Brandon?"
"Wh-what do you mean?"
"I mean sticking your pee-weiner in her pee-weiner."
"No, that's gross."
"Yeah, you're right."
He was armed to the teeth with fake plastic guns and swords,
hunting imaginary bears and shooting imaginary members of
the Foot Clan and the Puddy Patrol.
I turned to him again.
"I'm gonna fight you Brandon."
"I don't want to do that," he said.
I kicked a paper cup sitting on his lawn.
"Yeah, fighting's gay...," I said.

Once again, I see what you are trying to get at, but, once more, for me it's too direct. I'm not sure if this is a poem more of a song, but the lines are really out of place to me. Seems more like a hearfelt poem.

Sixteen came as fast as head lice.
I took Brandon's sister to Homecoming and felt her up.
Before the end of the night I had become a man and I had
turned that spoiled guinea into a woman.
I told Brandon the next day and he took a swing at me,
but I countered with a swift jab to his jaw.
He fell down in his own front yard crying and his mother, a great
burly sort of a bitch yelled at me.
"Fucking faggot," I said to him and I walked back
home with a cigarette behind my ear.
I went to bed feeling better about a lot of things,
But not much better.

This is probably my favourite stanza. Still too direct for me. I know you have written it for this girl, at least I think you have, but theres too much information. Try to keep it simple and not too informative. I love the honesty in it though, pretty brutal, and it's great to see raw emotion in songs, especially these days, when every other song is just about sex (This one is kinda too, but hopefully you get my drift).


Overall, I did like the idea, I just didn't like how it was so precise. Try to keep if a little bit more vague, but that said, don't go over the top. Good work!

Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=552232

Cheers!
#20
I really love this to be honest with you. Very accessible. One thing id change though and its rather small. After the fighting thing you put "yeah fightings gay." coming from an 8 year old boy he would not say "gay" until he was older. I think it may have been better to go with just a simple "dumb" to make it more believable.
#22
Quote by TrigFunction
I really love this to be honest with you. Very accessible. One thing id change though and its rather small. After the fighting thing you put "yeah fightings gay." coming from an 8 year old boy he would not say "gay" until he was older. I think it may have been better to go with just a simple "dumb" to make it more believable.


Well actually I think gay is fitting and an eight yr old would say it. "****ed a girl" was the thing that got me I thought the 8 yr old seemed beyond himself (and yet easily influenced by brandon), as he also was when analysing the cartoon show. That's part of the point, it seems to me.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#23
Quote by break-me-in
Well actually I think gay is fitting and an eight yr old would say it. "****ed a girl" was the thing that got me I thought the 8 yr old seemed beyond himself (and yet easily influenced by brandon), as he also was when analysing the cartoon show. That's part of the point, it seems to me.


I agree. Gay is great as far as i'm concerned (don't quote me on that) as it is a rather immature term in that context. And **** is a little out there but i'm not gonna say it's not believable. Maybe something like "done it with a girl" would fit but that's easily debatable as far as what i'm pulling from the piece as a whole.

free bump
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#25
This has made you one of my favorite people. I've wondered about the subject of the first bit an awful lot myself. The second part is my favorite. It evokes a feeling in me in much the same way Wes Anderson movies evoke feelings in me. Not the same kind of feelings, just the same way of feeling them. This is just great.
Listen to mah discs.



And coming soon, THE CLEVER DEVILS VS. THE BLONDES.

Vote for me in the
#26

It was called Rocko's Modern Life.
It came out of the 90's.
But something never sat right about me with it.
In the show, Philbert the turtle was married to Dr. Hutchins
(Or at least I think that was her name), and they had several
children: two turtles, a smaller Hutchins, and one that looked
oddly like Heffer the steer.
What the Hell was I supposed to gather from this?
Adultery?
Cartoons were supposed to be an escape but I found
myslef with more questions than I had before I turned
on the television set.

Everyone gets along as children.
The notion of childhood bullies was pretty non-existent
except for the movies, where a fight starts because of
something as trite and trivial as lunch money.
I walked up to Brandon Coates on a Saturday afternoon.
Must've been eight years old.
"You ever fucked a girl yet Brandon?"
"Wh-what do you mean?"
"I mean sticking your pee-weiner in her pee-weiner."
"No, that's gross."
"Yeah, you're right."
He was armed to the teeth with fake plastic guns and swords,
hunting imaginary bears and shooting imaginary members of
the Foot Clan and the Puddy Patrol.
I turned to him again.
"I'm gonna fight you Brandon."
"I don't want to do that," he said.
I kicked a paper cup sitting on his lawn.
"Yeah, fighting's gay...," I said.

Sixteen came as fast as head lice.
I took Brandon's sister to Homecoming and felt her up.
Before the end of the night I had become a man and I had
turned that spoiled guinea into a woman.
I told Brandon the next day and he took a swing at me,
but I countered with a swift jab to his jaw.
He fell down in his own front yard crying and his mother, a great
burly sort of a bitch yelled at me.
"Fucking faggot," I said to him and I walked back
home with a cigarette behind my ear.
I went to bed feeling better about a lot of things,
But not much better.


I...dig it...oddly. I didn't expect to with the starting stanza, but you know it hooked me. I wish you hadn't used to much homophobic language though, but that's just my own bi-sexual opinion. Can you clean that up a bit?

This has a sort of "What happened after Stand By Me Ended" feel to it...it sounds like a spoken word piece to me.

Nice job.
Winner - Newbie Songwriting Competition March 2007
#27
Quote by Mistress Alia
I...dig it...oddly. I didn't expect to with the starting stanza, but you know it hooked me. I wish you hadn't used to much homophobic language though, but that's just my own bi-sexual opinion. Can you clean that up a bit?

This has a sort of "What happened after Stand By Me Ended" feel to it...it sounds like a spoken word piece to me.

Nice job.


I'm in no way a homophobe. But kids are like this. All kids. I was.

Thanks for all the positive feedback.
Poor advice.
#28
i realize a lot of you think gay would be the "immature" word to use there but if you think about it. How many kids do you see at the age of 8 using the word "gay". Where i live using "gay" to refer to something as inferior or bad is mostly using by immature adolescent teens not 8 year olds.