#1
C4C

Hey all, been a while. Here's a poem of sorts that I've written recently since I'll be trying to get more into the flow of writing now. Hidden meaning, pretty easy to guess if you think about it. I swear its not a love song

btw: I'm sure i screwed up some of the punctuation so please don't kill me.


Eighty-Eight Keys and Still Locked Out

I walk onwards toward the sunrise that may never come to be.
Strewn along the path are eighty-eight keys of ivory.
Not one of them unlocked the way to the essence of the soul.
The harmonies, the melodies, all were deemed unwhole.

Broken bones of men long past, a winded sail, a shattered mast.
The road is long, the journey hard, some are doomed right from the start.
A grueling climb, many will fall, more will never be at all.
The world is cruel, a bitter place, only a few can win this race.

I see a glimpse of purple skies but only come to realize
My vision is running, but always away, forsaking me, it never stays.
Persistent, resilient, I doggedly follow, into a dark and somber hollow.
The sun is gone, as is my will, all is quiet and all is still.

Another victim as my heart slows, dust in the wind as it blows.
November rain, its so damp and cold, some will fall even when they've a hold
As I die the angels cry, tears in heaven, falling from the sky.
In the last seconds I hear a call, the sound of music, above all.
Last edited by _hero_ at Mar 25, 2007,
#2
I don't even know if replies re allowed in this forum, but I wanted to say that I really enjoyed this poem. I don't know what hidden theme you were going for (beyond the obvious song title references in it) But it brought to mind for me an image o a person who tried to make it in music, but just couldn't get there. From the Sax player in NY, to the guitarist in NAshvile that just doesn't get the break, those are the images it evokes for me.

One very minor criticism if I may, one line didn't quit flow as well as the rest:

My vision is running, but always away, it never stays.


Personally, to keep in meer I think I would have sent with something more along the lines of:

My vision is running, but always away, from the far-off horizon, it never strays.


But that might remove some from what you were trying to convey, which to me was a person so focused on what he wanted to see i his future that he never looked close in and tried to find it in the present.

Just a few thoughts from a guy trying to learn to song write himself.
#3
lol, thanks for that. and believe it or not. I spent the longest time trying to write that one line since it never sounded right when i read it through. I'll be changing that soon.
#4
Persistent, resilient, I doggedly follow, into a dark and somber hollow.

Not sure about that line, I think it breaks the flow slightly... Maybe it's syllable length or something but that stuck out as a line I didn't like, although I can't place it.

Other than this, I thought it was a great piece.
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#5
pretty decent song, i liked where you went with this. there could be a few improvements in the mechanics and stuff, but you got your point across pretty well without being too obvious or cliche or anything. i agree with the last guy about that one line, and the line after it too actually, just didnt sit well with me, no big deal tho. also that was definitly an improvement on the one the first guy mentioned. ya i wouldnt change it too much personally cause its solid, only if you actually think of something that fits better, but its good as it is i think
#6
Eighty-Eight Keys and Still Locked Out
C4C

Hey all, been a while. Here's a poem of sorts that I've written recently since I'll be trying to get more into the flow of writing now. Hidden meaning, pretty easy to guess if you think about it. I swear its not a love song

btw: I'm sure i screwed up some of the punctuation so please don't kill me.


Eighty-Eight Keys and Still Locked Out

I walk onwards toward the sunrise that may never come to be.
Strewn along the path are eighty-eight keys of ivory.
Not one of them unlocked the way to the essence of the soul.
The harmonies, the melodies, all were deemed unwhole.
"unwhole" is a poor word choice imo. You really don't need full stops at the end of every single line- poetry is pretty open with those things.

Broken bones of men long past, a winded sail, a shattered mast.
"long past" is poor.
The road is long, the journey hard, some are doomed right from the start.
A grueling climb, many will fall, more will never be at all.
The world is cruel, a bitter place, only a few can win this race.
Eh, this seemed pretty forced imo. Not flowing writing, kind of rehashed ideas that aren't too original- and annoying punctuation ;P

I see a glimpse of purple skies but only come to realize
My vision is running, but always away, forsaking me, it never stays.
Persistent, resilient, I doggedly follow, into a dark and somber hollow.
The sun is gone, as is my will, all is quiet and all is still.
I miss the style and tone of the first stanza, it's kind gone downhill form there I feel. This isn't intriguing me to be honest, nothing for me to grab hold of in this piece.

Another victim as my heart slows, dust in the wind as it blows.
November rain, its so damp and cold, some will fall even when they've a hold
As I die the angels cry, tears in heaven, falling from the sky.
In the last seconds I hear a call, the sound of music, above all.
Come on man, this last [art is the most cliche thing I've seen you write for a fair while. Dust in the wind, November rain, falling, angels, dieing, crying, tears in heaven, last seconds. You can do better than this.

Sorry man, really didn't get on with this one.