#1
my conversation
changes alot
we could speak here or there
in the back parking lot
so when safety shouts a beacon
will you be too blind to see?
and when fate finds a doorstop
will you walk there with me?


[Chorus]
my muse,
makes me so happy but
she soothes ,
and lights the shadows
i dont,
want to watch her from a balcony
and it hurts,
the way we don't know our truths

everyone talks
but nobody knows
how it is
and how it goes
and if i had an equation
could you solve it for me?
and if i was unhappy
would you change what i see?

[Chorus]

smoke and mirrors
only last so long
and both of us
just ride along
and if we kiss and walk
will we stumble and fall?
or are we so balenced that
we can walk tall?

[Chorus]
[Extended chorus]
and if you say that your confused
then i've got nothing to lose
and if we keep on walking
we'll find out truths
and if we keep on walking
we'll find our truths
we'll find out truths
#2
Im not great at crit so im warning you in advance....


Quote by guitaruboy
my conversation
changes alot
we could speak here or there
in the back parking lot
so when safety shouts a beacon
will you be too blind to see?
and when fate finds a doorstop
will you walk there with me?
Good opening,The flow works well,But the ryhming seems a bit forced

[Chorus]
my muse,
makes me so happy but
she soothes ,
and lights the shadows
i dont,
want to watch her from a balcony
and it hurts,
the way we don't know our truths
I like this part alot,I think anyone who has a muse can relate to it so it works well.I really like the balcony bit too.

everyone talks
but nobody knows
how it is
and how it goes
and if i had an equation
could you solve it for me?I like these to lines alot!
and if i was unhappy
would you change what i see?
The the first lines are a bit cleche in my opinion,but you ind of save it with the last three lines
[Chorus]

smoke and mirrors
only last so long
and both of us
just ride along
and if we kiss and walk
will we stumble and fall?
or are we so balenced that
we can walk tall?
like I said before,try not to force the ryming,not all songs have to.Otherwise its good

[Chorus]
[Extended chorus]
and if you say that your confused
then i've got nothing to lose
and if we keep on walking
we'll find out truths
and if we keep on walking
we'll find our truths
we'll find out truths

I like the lyrics in this alot,but i'd take out the last line,it seems to flow better without it


Overall,I like 7/10.Crit mine if ya can.Cheers
#3
Quote by guitaruboy

my conversation
changes alot
a lot
we could speak here or there
in the back parking lot
back parking lot is extremely arbitrary and it is the epitome of a forced rhyme.
so when safety shouts a beacon
this phrasing is awkward, please rephrase.
will you be too blind to see?
cliche, but solid.
and when fate finds a doorstop
doorstep?
will you walk there with me?


[Chorus]
my muse,
interesting word choice. i would just say "muse"
makes me so happy but
change this line.
she soothes ,
although forced, effective rhyme.
and lights the shadows
i dont,
want to watch her from a balcony
weak two lines. i don't should never be a line, imo.
and it hurts,
the way we don't know our truths
these last two lines must be changed.

everyone talks
but nobody knows
how it is
and how it goes
and if i had an equation
could you solve it for me?
these are the six worst lines i've seen in a while. in comparison with the fairly solid lyrics before this, this is absolutely TERRIBLE and forced. please change or delete, just make sure they are never seen again.
and if i was unhappy
would you change what i see?
these last two lines are very solid.

[Chorus]

smoke and mirrors
only last so long
and both of us
just ride along
these two lines need changing. totally forced.
and if we kiss and walk
will we stumble and fall?
or are we so balenced that
balanced*
we can walk tall?
i like these last four lines.

[Chorus]
[Extended chorus]
and if you say that your confused
then i've got nothing to lose
i absolutely hate this rhyme and line.
and if we keep on walking
we'll find out truths
stop saying truths. it should be added to the "words not to use" list.
and if we keep on walking
we'll find our truths
we'll find out truths
... again with the truths.

this piece was fairly weak, with some solid points. there wasn't enough substance to be truly harsh on, but i hope that i was harsh enough, but not too much

if you could take a look at my latest, it is in my sig.

edit: oh, and they don't need to rhyme. i'm sure you already know that. the rhyming in this piece was weak. i suggest working on it, or giving it up.