#1
Hey guys, heres my first real emotional piece. I wrote this after the girl I was with kissed my best mate. She was always going on about how she wanted a song about her, so here it is. Enjoy.


Your Song

Didn't take long to see tonight
Your mind was somewhere else
Didn't take much to take that ride
To take a look inside myself

Couldn't do much to help yourself
Console your mind with that thought
You didn't think, you put me on the shelf
Too late, your ticket was bought

This is your song
I'm sorry, it took so long (to see now)
I was wrong (about you)
This is your song

He'll wake up not knowing a lot
But your mind will be clear
You got one night, you had your shot
Now what is there left to share?

I hope now you can see your mess
See how far you got along
I sure hope your night was the best
Cause' its the reason for this song

This is your song
I'm sorry, it took so long (to see now)
I was wrong (about you)
This is your song

Even speeding through this nighttime ride
Doesn't feel so fast with this weight on my mind
But running fast down that quiet street
Almost makes anger seem kind

This is your song
I'm sorry, it took so long (to see now)
I was wrong (about you)
This is your song

For you.
#2
Like it very much.. feelings write nice songs.
please take a picture of her when she hears it I just have to see her face

Do you have any idea why mine has been blocked ?
greetzz
#3
Quote by noxiosimitator
Like it very much.. feelings write nice songs.
please take a picture of her when she hears it I just have to see her face

Do you have any idea why mine has been blocked ?
greetzz


One of her mates showed it to her. She cried.

And nope, no idea at all.
#4
Quote by johnmalkin
Hey guys, heres my first real emotional piece. I wrote this after the girl I was with kissed my best mate. She was always going on about how she wanted a song about her, so here it is. Enjoy.


Your Song

Didn't take long to see tonight
Your mind was somewhere else
Didn't take much to take that ride
To take a look inside myself

Pretty straight foreward. Sets the setting. Can't really tell you anything to change without it messing up the flow or meaning. Although, I think it could be tweaked a little bit. Make it a little more attention drawing, if at all possible.

Couldn't do much to help yourself
Console your mind with that thought Interesting word choice. Console. I like it though.
You didn't think, you put me on the shelf
Too late, your ticket was bought Closest thing to a metaphor throughout this whole song. I like it, but I still think it could be tweaked a little bit more so it's more clever. Or maybe I am just being picky.

This is your song
I'm sorry, it took so long (to see now)
I was wrong (about you)
This is your song

Well, I know choruses are suppoused to be catchy but this just seems kind of rushed. And half-assed. I'm sorry I can't put it into better terms. I think the stuff is in paranethsies is uneeded, but I guess if you had a backup singer-screamer who did it in such a way that made it cool, it might make up for it. But for some reason I don't like choruses like that, they just seem really cheezy. But yeah, this is probably the weakest part of the whole song.. I know choruses are suppoused to be catchy, but I think there's room for improvement here.

He'll wake up not knowing a lot
But your mind will be clear
You got one night, you had your shot
Now what is there left to share?

Upon first read it seemed kind of clever. Then I read it over again and tried decyphering it and now I don't really understand it. I mean, I do. But I don't. It seems more like a collection of ideas. "But your mind will be clear" seems uneeded, and I'm not sure how the last line fits into the song, I think you could word it better according to your situation. I already have something in mind.. but I don't want to write your song for you.

I hope now you can see your mess
See how far you got along
I sure hope your night was the best
Cause' its the reason for this song

Potentially clever, but borderline cheezy.

This is your song
I'm sorry, it took so long (to see now)
I was wrong (about you)
This is your song

Even speeding through this nighttime ride
Doesn't feel so fast with this weight on my mind
But running fast down that quiet street
Almost makes anger seem kind

Horrible stanza. I'm sorry. It just seems slopped together. Like a filler. "Almost makes anger seem kind". Terrible line. I'm sorry. Change that.

This is your song
I'm sorry, it took so long (to see now)
I was wrong (about you)
This is your song

For you.


Btw, thanks for the crit on my song.
#5
Thanks for your crit. Let me explain.

Quote by ABTS
Well, I know choruses are suppoused to be catchy but this just seems kind of rushed. And half-assed. I'm sorry I can't put it into better terms. I think the stuff is in paranethsies is uneeded, but I guess if you had a backup singer-screamer who did it in such a way that made it cool, it might make up for it. But for some reason I don't like choruses like that, they just seem really cheezy. But yeah, this is probably the weakest part of the whole song.. I know choruses are suppoused to be catchy, but I think there's room for improvement here.


The chorus was indeed meant to be weak. This song is for this girl, it is HER song. I wanted it to make it so she was let down. The stuff in paranthesis is there to give the reader an overview of the rhyming structure, as the "ong" sound is the rhyming one. You raise a good point with the comment, thanks for your input.

Quote by ABTS
Upon first read it seemed kind of clever. Then I read it over again and tried decyphering it and now I don't really understand it. I mean, I do. But I don't. It seems more like a collection of ideas. "But your mind will be clear" seems uneeded, and I'm not sure how the last line fits into the song, I think you could word it better according to your situation. I already have something in mind.. but I don't want to write your song for you.


The idea for this stanza was simple. My friend was absolutely wasted (as in nearly comatose), while she was sober. That's where the 'Your mind will be clear' line came from, as in referring to the morning after. The last two lines are about how profusely she apologized to me about it, but when asked if she would be saying this if my friend actually liked her, she agreed she would be with him. There was 'nothing left to share' with me as I just didn't give a fuck about what she had to say anymore.

Quote by ABTS
Horrible stanza. I'm sorry. It just seems slopped together. Like a filler. "Almost makes anger seem kind". Terrible line. I'm sorry. Change that.


I agree with you about this. The last line has personal meaning to me, but I'd rather not go into that.

Anyways, thanks for your help. It's good to see people actually taking an interest in other peoples work on here.
#6
hey i dont have much to say. i wouldnt change anything. that was really good. you took a cliche subject and made it less cliche. congrats
The only truly consistent people are dead people.

#7
Quote by darkangel322
hey i dont have much to say. i wouldnt change anything. that was really good. you took a cliche subject and made it less cliche. congrats


Thanks!
#8
its a really good song just like ABTS said the last line "almost makes anger seem kind" could be rephrased into something better or a little more fitting
other than that... good job!
#9
Quote by linkwithred
its a really good song just like ABTS said the last line "almost makes anger seem kind" could be rephrased into something better or a little more fitting
other than that... good job!


Thanks for that mate, I think I may have to change that now that two people have commented on it. Cheers!