#1
Because everyone has to start somewhere... my first attempt at a sonnet. Not love inspired. I would love any opinions, tips and tricks for this style.

Critique will be repaid. If you don't know what that is, seek it out in the tips thread.

Enjoy :


Her eyes show beauty never dies in vein;
Her lips repeat a tale of female love;
Her arms hold tight the men she so refrains;
Her hair, though soft and brown becomes undone;
Her clothes, so old and torn begin to fray;
Her hands like spiders legs are there to crawl;
Her cheeks retain a red, like Christmas day;
Her stick a main reason she does not fall;
Her feet are arched from days spent trawling sands;
Her calves, strong like an ox, are prone to bends;
Her waist, once curved now seems like desert lands;
Her heart so hollow, stripped of any friends;

She may be crazed, alone and reeking gin,
But only God knows when she'll practice sin.
#2
I owe you one...so...

It all depends whatstyle you're going for, Italian, English etc...You've got the rhyme down, apart from the shaky love/undone. Yet if I were to nit-pick usually a sonnet changes tone after the 9th line, and the final 6 are more of a resolution to the aforementioned problem. Anyway...


Her eyes show beauty never dies in vein;
Her lips repeat a tale of female love;
Her arms hold tight the men she so refrains;
Her hair, though soft and brown becomes undone;
Her clothes, so old and torn begin to fray;
Her hands like spiders legs are there to crawl;
Her cheeks retain a red, like Christmas day;
Her stick a main reason she does not fall;
Didn'tlike the "a main reason" sounded a bit weak to me, perhaps reword that?
Her feet are arched from days spent trawling sands;
Her calves, strong like an ox, are prone to bends;
Her waist, once curved now seems like desert lands;
Her heart so hollow, stripped of any friends;

She may be crazed, alone and reeking gin,
But only God knows when she'll practice sin.

Great ending, I love the idea for this, it didn't get annoying, as I thought it might. Overall the content is okay, I like the lines, but somehow sense you were sacrificing content for the structure. But as you said its a learning curve, and its nice to see you trying, and pushing yourself. Its the only way, so keep at it man.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Mar 25, 2007,
#4
I don't know much about writing sonnets but I enjoyed what you wrote.

In my opinion the sonnet needs a different title though. I think it would be better to just let your poetic words bring about ideas about an old woman. I didn't really like being literally told it was about an old woman.

The last two lines didn't feel right for me either. I felt like the rest of the poem was written in a kind of formal language, while the last two lines became more casual.

I would change the last to lines to something like:

Though crazed, alone and reeking gin
God only knows when she'll practice sin.


Look forward to your next sonnet.


Makkis
#5
Steve is thinking about a Petrarchan sonnet, which is divided into the 8-6 pattern. This, though, is an Elizabethan sonnet, according to the rhyme scheme and the ending couplet, and it's formed well.

I didn't understand your use of the word "refrains," and I agree with steve that the "main reason" line needs re-writing.

#6
Sorry Jamie. its been a while (college) since I last wrote a sonnet. Time to brush up it appears.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#7
hey jamie, been awhile. Sonnets aren't my strong point to be honest lol. All i know about them is that they're 14 lines, its usually an AB rhyme scheme, and that the last two lines rhyme. But here's my two cents.


[quote="Her eyes show beauty never dies in vein;
Her lips repeat a tale of female love;
Her arms hold tight the men she so refrains;
Two things: maybe a comma in the first line after beauty? And then the word "refrains" seems contradictory, which I assume is what you were going for.
Her hair, though soft and brown becomes undone;
Her clothes, so old and torn begin to fray;
Her hands like spiders legs are there to crawl;
Nice simile. The line about the old clothes seems a tad bland though.
Her cheeks retain a red, like Christmas day;
Her stick a main reason she does not fall;
If I hadn't read the title about it being an old woman I would have wondered about the stick.
Her feet are arched from days spent trawling sands;
Her calves, strong like an ox, are prone to bends;
Her waist, once curved now seems like desert lands;
Her heart so hollow, stripped of any friends;
I think I've finally got it, she's like a hermit? Or a nun? Talk about abstinence to the first degree.

She may be crazed, alone and reeking gin,
But only God knows when she'll practice sin.
I don't know what this was supposed to mean, but to me, it just puts more emphasis on the abstinence thing.


Overall Jamie, not bad for a first sonnet, even though I can't really be one to judge. It seemed a little bland at times, but I've never liked the sonnets I've read so that may be it. Last for lines before the ending two are great. Body part descriptions are always a good way to write. And thank god you didn't use the eyes, smile, or hair in it.

And since I'm such a greedy bastard, the link for mine's in my sig.
Last edited by _hero_ at Mar 25, 2007,
#8
The first line should be 'in vain' not 'in vein', unless there was deliberate allusion to her blood there, which I doubt considering this is a sonnet and the way it continues suggests no other references.

Also, the 'main reason' line, as mentioned, is weak. At least change it to make sense:
"the main reason" not "a main reason".

Other than that it's good. Not a big fan of sonnets though anyway.
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#9
Quote by Jammydude44

"an" old woman or "the"? the sounds terrible, imo.
Her eyes show beauty never dies in vein;
vain*?
Her lips repeat a tale of female love;
female love, i think there has to be a word for that, or something that flows better.
Her arms hold tight the men she so refrains;
refrains is a bit awkward.
Her hair, though soft and brown becomes undone;
Her clothes, so old and torn begin to fray;
Her hands like spiders legs are there to crawl;
commas after hands and legs?
Her cheeks retain a red, like Christmas day;
no need for the comma here, imo. you break flow as well. don't say retain. consistency needed, imo.
Her stick a main reason she does not fall;
ew to this line. and a comma after stick.
Her feet are arched from days spent trawling sands;
why "are"? breaking consistency again. comma after feet, if you take that advice.
Her calves, strong like an ox, are prone to bends;
Her waist, once curved now seems like desert lands;
Her heart so hollow, stripped of any friends;
hollow heart bothers me. comma after heart?

She may be crazed, alone and reeking gin,
But only God knows when she'll practice sin.
reeking gin? wouldnt it be reeking of gin? find a different word?

those are my suggestions, just too lazy to make them sound like it. that's simply what i'd do with those lines.

it is solid. if you could take a look at my latest, in sig.
#10
Quote by Jammydude44
Because everyone has to start somewhere... my first attempt at a sonnet. Not love inspired. I would love any opinions, tips and tricks for this style.

Critique will be repaid. If you don't know what that is, seek it out in the tips thread.

Enjoy :


Her eyes show beauty never dies in vein;
Her lips repeat a tale of female love;
Her arms hold tight the men she so refrains;
Her hair, though soft and brown becomes undone;
Her clothes, so old and torn begin to fray;
Her hands like spiders legs are there to crawl;
Her cheeks retain a red, like Christmas day;
Her stick a main reason she does not fall;
Her feet are arched from days spent trawling sands;
Her calves, strong like an ox, are prone to bends;
Her waist, once curved now seems like desert lands;
Her heart so hollow, stripped of any friends;

She may be crazed, alone and reeking gin,
But only God knows when she'll practice sin.


I like the fact that you chose to use the sonnet structure for this poem. Your descriptions are really good. I agree with Steve about the 7th line. Its not as gripping diction as the rest of the poem. Maybe by changing 'a main' to 'the one' it would be more gripping and powerful.

I love the way you describe her as slowly degrading and the last two lines let the reader know who she has become. Very nice. You really paint a vivid picture. Keep nurturing that and you'll do very well in your future writings.
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Last edited by Peeno at Mar 26, 2007,
#11
Her stick a main reason she does not fall;

the stresses are all wrong in that line.
it makes it read so awkwardly, and it sticks
out because every other line flows well.

i'm horrible with sonnets, so i don't have
any other suggestions, but i really think
you need to seriously fix that one line.

I just want to sleep forever.


#12
I have to be honest this was not my favorite piece by you. Maybe because I'm not that too big of a fan of sonnets. The writing was good. You always seem to put that humor and somewhat britishness that reminds of early Genesis songs. Anyways, the flow was good and I liked the rhyme scheme. It just wasn't as good as your other pieces. But still great nonetheless. And thanks for the crits.
#13
Her stick a main reason she does not fall;
Her heart so hollow, stripped of any friends;
She may be crazed, alone and reeking gin,

feels like the structure forced you into that awkward phrasing

I think a rigid structure overlimits in a way, and I've never really taken to sonnets, so I really have no advice about them.

If this was your first sonnet then good job getting your main ideas across while following the rules.
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