NGD1313
left & leaving
Join date: Mar 2006
3,718 IQ
#1
Yeah, honestly, I don't even know why I write this stuff. Tell me if you like it, why if you don't, so on...so forth. C4C of course.


My Run As the King of Humanity.
Last week,
I wore a sign that said,
"Ashtray"
Believe it or not, people put their cigarettes out on me

On Monday,
I wore a sign that said,
"Hobo"
And, you guessed it, people threw their change at me

Yesterday,
I wore a sign that said,
"Savior"
And, people called me a fake.

Even though I showed them the wounds of a martyr
And the spoils of a king.

Everyone's a skeptic.
Andzee
Registered User
Join date: Oct 2005
527 IQ
#2
Is it a poem or song your aiming at?

I enjoyed the piece, just if its song your aiming for, then i don't know but lines like "believe it or not" don't seem to fit in as well.

really good piece though.
And Like That. He was Gone.

My Lyrics

Love
NGD1313
left & leaving
Join date: Mar 2006
3,718 IQ
#3
It's a poem.

Definitely a poem.

Edit:

The term "poem" is used loosely.
Last edited by NGD1313 at May 16, 2007,
culex-knight
mon titre d'utilisateur
Join date: Jun 2004
400 IQ
#4
On the third stanza, I would change the last line to fit with the other stanzas. Something like, "People called me a fake, go figure." Not that, necessarily, just, having two "And, la da da..", and then the third one being different than the other two, I just think it would be much better.

Other than that I thought this was gold.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

themarsvolta
Registered User
Join date: Mar 2006
2,487 IQ
#5
First of all, the title was pretty cool, so you got my attention right of the bat. I really like the tone of this piece and the way it was structured. It didn't really think of it was a poem, but more of an oral thing, like a guy telling his friend what he did over the weekend. Although I really enjoyed reading this piece, I thought the "Savior" stanza and onwards, were the highlight of this piece. And the last line was a great conclusion. Sorry for the lame crit, but this piece is perfect as is.

Crit mine please
Reflection Overdose
lester2215
Banned
Join date: Aug 2006
642 IQ
#6
Very nice poem..This poem reminds me of a game of chess..No matter how you look at it theres always a secret view for whats / or what maybe happening.
I like it alot man. Very intresting..
Specially the ashtray..If i think about it,
Makes me think, like the ashtray like i helped out to others
But they just walked on me, or something..
And the hobo part, makes me think like
"hiding from something is never a way to change something of the present"
arsonite
UG's Jack Sparrow
Join date: Nov 2004
511 IQ
#7
I like that. Very interesting and flowed nicely together, Good job.
ಥ_ಥ
The Hurt Within
Preserving the name...
Join date: Feb 2004
10,564 IQ
#8
This is why you'll have my nomination for wotm. Nuff said. Stunning little piece.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
wishIknew
does the moon make faces?
Join date: May 2007
21 IQ
#9
Quote by culex-knight
On the third stanza, I would change the last line to fit with the other stanzas. Something like, "People called me a fake, go figure." Not that, necessarily, just, having two "And, la da da..", and then the third one being different than the other two, I just think it would be much better.

Other than that I thought this was gold.


well, maybe it's good the way it is, because it's kind of like there's more emphasis on that line. And that's kind of the point isn't it? I dunno, just a thought.
culex-knight
mon titre d'utilisateur
Join date: Jun 2004
400 IQ
#10
^Perhaps.

Yeah, you're probably right.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

METSOAD
Bass Man
Join date: Sep 2005
2,689 IQ
#11
intresting idea

more of a poem than a song

i love this line:
People call me fake, go figure, with your permission io would like to use it in a song i am writing
www.myspace.com/symmetry4321


Quote by RockerPseudonym
I think stone is either 7 or 14 lbs

Edit I'm gonna go with 14 because it's rather unlikely you're 56 pounds


Quote by evening_crow
sounds like....u need a...

BAND MEETING!!!
bassbeat77
aka Steve2
Join date: Oct 2006
6,385 IQ
#12
your stuff is really starting to impress me... like really.... this is one of the coolest things i've seen on here in quite some time.

everything about this is ace... from the structure to the concept and word choice.

great job man.
PXi
Registered User
Join date: Nov 2005
336 IQ
#13
Amazingly well written - one of those things i read and think 'i really wish i could say i'd written that'

The conclusive line 'everyone's a skeptic' is a perfect finish - it's prefect length. Really cannot think of a single criticism

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=587470
frodoisdead
Love, Ire & Song.
Join date: Jun 2004
978 IQ
#14
i really liked this. i love the simplicity, how you make points without crazy lingo + you paint pictures without severe amounts of description. it's also quite provocative, it seems to question many things in a short space of time.

excellent.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
Phoebus
S+L OG
Join date: Sep 2004
712 IQ
#16
i like it. i like it alot.

the short lines you set up make the flow very cold and calculated, and makes the reader consider every word for what it is and what it adds. The overall message behind it is a very true and very universal one; people are quick to believe the worst and slow to believe the best in others (well, you get a little deeper at points too, but i think it gets dangerous to try to tell people what they're writing about).

A few minor gripes:

In the Savior stanza, you don't need the comma after "And" in the last line. Jams up your flow and it doesn't fit grammatically.

Also, in that same stanza (and the little joiner between that and the summary line), the flow gets a little jammed due to the period at the end of the last line ("And people called me fake.") It's another picky little grammar point, but especially since you start the next line with "even though" (which you shouldn't use to start sentences), you don't need that period. just use a comma (or no punctuation at all, since the line break acts as a natural pause).

I feel like the reactionary line to the savior bit could be stronger....since the other two actions are so strong (having cigarettes put out in you and having change flung at you), I expected another strong reaction from the people who saw you, not just calling you fake. Just a thought.


Very well done.

--jay
rushmore
bblblubluewhale
Join date: Jan 2007
3,870 IQ
#19
i really like the idea here, i think its brilliant.
my only suggestion would be the
' you guessed it'
i think that is kind of blah and doesn't fit in the poem. i think people would argue and would think that it fits but i think its talking to the reader a bit too much.
otherwise 9/10
i loved the ending

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=600788
if you have time, you dont have to say much
giftsr4sharing
Registered User
Join date: Jun 2007
43 IQ
#20
I loved that like crazy.
Very original, interesting, and well organized.
Nice one.
IamOmega
Registered User
Join date: Jun 2007
384 IQ
#23
Ya hooked me. Isn't that the point? I like it.
fenderfreak101
UG Spammer
Join date: Sep 2003
1,432 IQ
#24
Awesome.

Emo forum regs pwn at poetry.

Anyways, I loved this. As previously stated, it's one of those where I wish I could say I wrote it. Everything about it was nice.

If you could crit mine or just look at it, I'd appreciate it.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=9553247#post9553247
And if ever You come near, I will hold up high a mirror.
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You.