#1
The Brass Ring

VERSE 1
the moments that define us
so often underwhelm
all these culminations
very seldom change us
or offer any help

another empty chapter
with a stagnant plot
conjures dull reflections
which can not protect us
from what we have thought

that life's not doused in glamour
like when we were young
the allure has faded
left the children jaded
in the darkened sun

CHORUS
the brass ring
it has rusted
like the faith in
which i trusted
it will never seem so kind again

and the days
that have passed
have left the
canvas black
i will never be so blind again

VERSE 2
if i were to perish now
life would be a blur
of broken memories
of things you said to me
without any words

the soundtrack of a stale life
would flood through the room
quiet simple lyrics
of grandeur's disappearance
"nightswimming" sets the mood

for a final, solemn toast
with a bitter wine
which brings out resentment
of the false sentiment
"things get better over time"

CHORUS
the brass ring
it has rusted
like the faith in
which i trusted
it will never seem so kind again

and the days
that have passed
have left the
canvas black
i will never be so blind again
#3
^^^
I pretty much agree that there are some flow issues. I think well placed rhymes would help. Might just be that it's not my style but some of the diction is weird to me like "grandeur's disappearance".

Crit mine?