#1
Verse 1
Little Jimmy was only 4
When his daddy left to fight in the war
Jimmy thought he'd see the day
When his daddy came back to stay
One day he looked out the window
He saw his mom breakdown and say oh no
He knew that meant that his daddy died
He ran out to his mom and they hugged and cried

Chorus
Forgotten hero
Stories untold
Families left
Confused and stone cold

Tom and Jane were about to tie the knot
When Tom remembered the letter he forgot
He left Jane with a passionate kiss
We will get married I promise
One month passes and Jane gets the call
That she never expected at all
When it's time for him to be buried
She realizes they won't be married

Chorus

Verse 3
Stories are left unaddressed
Will this war ever be put to rest
Heroes and heroines everyday
Have their lives put on display
Leaders can seem to find
Some sort of peace of mind
Don't live life to fast
Because you never know what will come to pass

Chorus x2
#2
Forgotten Hero
Verse 1
Little Jimmy was only 4
When his daddy left to fight in the war
Jimmy thought he'd see the day
When his daddy came back to stay
One day he looked out the window
He saw his mom breakdown and say oh no
He knew that meant that his daddy died
He ran out to his mom and they hugged and cried

This whole stanza is very forced and un natural. expecially the "oh no/window" rhyme. all of it though is poorly writen. (no offence, im just trying to help ) try to make a peom that doesnt rhyme. and dont force things, just write whats in your mind. not what sounds good. then after, break your work down to fit the sylables together in each line of the stanza.


Chorus
Forgotten hero
Stories untold
Families left
Confused and stone cold

I dont mind this. other than the untold/cold rhyme. also very forced.


Tom and Jane were about to tie the knot
When Tom remembered the letter he forgot
He left Jane with a passionate kiss
We will get married I promise
One month passes and Jane gets the call
That she never expected at all
When it's time for him to be buried
She realizes they won't be married

i have no clue what the knot part is about. i think you just threw it in there to make a rhyme. again, DONT FORCE RHYMES! i like the whole idea of this peice but you need to make it natural. i think it would be 10x better if you had writen it from the heart, not the rhyming dictionary.

Chorus

Verse 3
Stories are left unaddressed
Will this war ever be put to rest
Heroes and heroines everyday
Have their lives put on display
Leaders can seem to find
Some sort of peace of mind
Don't live life to fast
Because you never know what will come to pass

Same as above^

Chorus x2


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=605808 Crit mine?
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
Last edited by Dimebag22 at Jun 15, 2007,
#3
I personally liked the story... To me it felt pretty "natural". For a song to work it has to has some sort of pattern to it. You can't just go and yell words and say it's a song... This has a great pattern to it.

When his daddy left to fight in the war

Try taking out in... It seems like it would sound better...

Jimmy thought he'd see the day
When his daddy came back to stay

I dunno this just caught my eye as something rhythmic wrong...

I agree with Dimebag on the oh no part... It does seem kind of off..

Confused and stone cold

Maybe take out stone... Kind of makes the pattern feel weird...

The two married parts sound so out of the rest of the song...

A suggestion for the last part would be

Try to make it flow.. Listen to it in your head and try to think... "What is keeping this from flowing" then correct it.

Have a great day (night)
~Tyler
#4
Quote by Shea Donoghue
"Tie the knot" is slang for getting married. The knot being you're stuck to that person forever, the ring sort of representing it.

As for the song itself, I have to agree with this guy. It does seem somewhat forced, I don't like the chorus, but a lot of it is good, too. With some editing here and there I'm sure it'd be great. But not a rock song or something like that. Make it a folksy sort of thing. War views in metal/rock/punk/whatever songs just seem way too... Rediculous.

Oh, well i kind of find it strange then how he would put that they were about to "tie the knot" then what the hell is this "letter he forgot" then again I'm super tired now so i just may not be seeing the obious.


and i have to disagree with the war views in rock. i write many rock songs like this one that go good, i think with rock.
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
#5
Quote by Shea Donoghue
Just my personal opinion, but on the whole I wasn't really digging those lyrics at all. Even if I was though, once again, it seems rather rediculous for a rock song. Just my view, though. I think if you're gonna be about loud music and rocking hard and stuff, you don't want to throw in political/global issues to try and, for lack of a better word, "mature" up a song with an already raunchy type sound. All just opinion, though. Don't want to start anything.

I'm pretty sure the "letter he forget" would probably be a draft letter (a letter basically saying you're going to war, pack your shit and leave). So I guess he forget about it after he saw his wife? Not likely, but for the sake of the writing, we'll just let it flow.

For the threadstarter, mind checking mine out if you've got the time?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=607809

Thanks.


Well just because its lound and stuff doesnt mean we cant be intelligent with our lyrics. thats just the music to back up our geniusness but to the TS, i like the whole idea, just make it flow, and make it natural. Try not making everything have a full rhyme, try some half rhymes. but this peice doesnt make sense to me, with the letter and stuff i donno man.
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
#6
Quote by LinkinParkfan77
Verse 1
Little Jimmy was only 4
When his daddy left to fight in the war
Jimmy thought he'd see the day
When his daddy came back to stay
One day he looked out the window
He saw his mom breakdown and say oh no
He knew that meant that his daddy died
He ran out to his mom and they hugged and cried

I would have to say that the "oh no" in line 6 does sound a little forced. Other than that I like what you have going here. I'm an Army Soldier myself so this song is very close to home. I know far too many slodiers that have given their lives, God bless them all.

Chorus
Forgotten hero
Stories untold
Families left
Confused and stone cold

I would have to agree with tscott' on this one. take out "stone". Otherwise, short and to the point. I like.

Tom and Jane were about to tie the knot
When Tom remembered the letter he forgot
He left Jane with a passionate kiss
We will get married I promise
One month passes and Jane gets the call
That she never expected at all
When it's time for him to be buried
She realizes they won't be married

What is this letter? I'm confused by this. I sat and thought about it for at least 10 minutes and I can't seem to figure it out. To me it sounds like you just needed a line to fill.

Chorus

Verse 3
Stories are left unaddressed
Will this war ever be put to rest
Heroes and heroines everyday
Have their lives put on display
Leaders can seem to find
Some sort of peace of mind
Don't live life to fast
Because you never know what will come to pass

I think this is your best verse. Nice job putting a conclusion on it. Its' a nice finishing touch.

Chorus x2


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For all of you guys out there that think I am depressed. I AM NOT DEPRESSED!!!!!!!!

I only chose thins name cuz some people thought I was depressed just cuz i sat alone at lunch and wrote poems and songs and stories. what the **** is that all about?