#1
This one is based off my family and true events. It's really long so I think it'd be better as a poem, but feedback is always appreciated. Thanks.

Lemme tell you a little story
About a guy named Bob Mack
Was always his own person
But the booze was always on his back
All the makings of a hero
It went down the drain
When Bob Mack got lit
He was on a nightrain

Had a family once
A wife, 2 daughters, and a son
But he wasn't good at providing
He was out to have fun
So when his mind was altered
He'd take his pain out on them
Beat one with a Blackjack
Shot another in the leg

But still Bob Mack had his moments
Though often rare
He would stand up and be a man
He would sometimes care
But sooner than later
He would succumb to his vice
And what was once a man
Became lower than mice

Kids all grown up now
Movin' on from his life
One of them had a son
Cut through his mind like a knife
And the hero was once found again
In a boy that could see no wrong
Bob Mack came back to us
But it wouldn't be for long

Little boy gettin' older now
With grandpa by his side
He'd kick the alcohol
Whenever the boy was in sight
This boy, he helped save him
From the path of corruption
But there was one final deed left
Bob Mack's ultimate destruction

Things were getting bad now
And Bob Mack lost his wife
His son was a drug dealer
He was out of his daughters life
So the demon came back
And Bob Mack started slumming
Drunk watchin t.v.
They say a storms a' comin'

Frozen driveway
Gotta chip the ice
Bob Mack went out drunk
He thought it was rather nice
But he passed out cold
Frozen to death in his grave
Can't help but think his last thought
Was his grandkid's name

So that was the story
Of a man who's now lost
He was almost saved
But was bitten by the frost
If you ask why I'm uneasy
When a drink is in my hand
I'll tell ya, Bob Mack was my hero Grandpa
But now he's as good as dead
#2
I don't think it's too long. In fact, I think it could make a decent country/folk-sort of song.

One thing I have to say is that even though it's in a story format, you should see if you can stick in some metaphors, maybe a couple of poetry tricks like alliteration (the repetition of the beginning sounds of words). They can really help make the listener think and keep the pace up, which is important, especially in something this long.
Another thing is the overall flow- it needs a bit of work. In your case, though, it shouldn't be too hard.

Good job.

--Nick

Crit mine? it's in my sig.
So good to see you once again.
I thought that you were hiding.
And you thought that I had run away.
Chasing the tail of dogma.
I opened my eye and there we were .
#3
Thanks. I like your sig. The only thing is dogma is kind of an obscure concept for alot of people so I think the message you're trying to convey might get lost in the transltion with some people. Other than that, it's quite clever. Good job.

Come on people! I need more feedback.
#4
Hehe.
I was actually talking about the link in my sig (for rose). The lines in blue are my favorite part of Tool's "Third Eye". Glad you like it though
So good to see you once again.
I thought that you were hiding.
And you thought that I had run away.
Chasing the tail of dogma.
I opened my eye and there we were .
#5
Pretty cool song. Definately has potential as a song. I was humming along with the tune of Skynyrd's "Four Walls of Raiford" seemed to flow with it pretty well.

In this one part...for this song,

But still Bob Mack had his moments
Though often rare
He would stand up and be a man
He would sometimes care

I like it better if you change the third line to "He'd stand up, he'd be a man". It might fit better in this song in my opinion.

c4c?