#1
this needs punctuation i know. i wrote it all in like 5 minutes and i think there's definitely room for improvement, i just kind of have a block right now so i just tried to get all of this out before any creativity went away. idk if i will keep this piece, i might keep the main ideas and re write it completely, im not sure


In a seedless town of sprouting vegetables,
a woman with a pumpkin patch smile is sitting in the front row
watching the sympathetic matador
laying down with his bull.
All in front of a crowd that is talking about an eye for an eye,
an arm for an arm,
until you
get lost inside that chinese fingertrap like a
foreign typewriter or a
postcard from a
capsized ship.
Capsulized in a strain glass bottle,
calculating the time it takes to realize
that the sand in your hands is just as important
as the girl in your arms or the
toes on your feet that you
count as you fall
asleep.

Like a newborn.
Or, the first breath you take
when you arrive, a tiny seed
in the belly of a watermelon
and sprout a patch of weeds
that continue to grow
and grow
and grow
and
g
r
o
w
.
Last edited by rushmore at Jun 16, 2007,
#2
Quote by rushmore

g
r
o
w
.



Means sung out for a long time? OK, but seems a little random (intended I assume). Good effort.
#3
^ It's a poem dude/dudette.


I much prefer this to your last, rush. But it is obvious that it is, as you described, one of those get it down before it goes things. But I think with a little revision then that can dissipitate, especially when you add in punctuation.

#4
I agree. It did feel like it was dragged out a little too long in parts, not that the ideas were lacking but that it felt like it needed to be broken up.

I enjoyed it though and I think it is a quite good piece.

-Jimmy
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#5
yeah i think once i break it up and punctuate it the ideas will be more effective and will get across to the reader better. thanks.
#6
It's nice. I liked the idea of a "sympathetic matador, laying down his bull". Did you get the title from Gavin DeGraw's Chariot?
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#8
Yeah, one of the lines in the first verse is something like "Your favourite fruit is chocolate covered cherries or seedless water melon; nothing from the ground is good enough."
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#9
In a seedless town of sprouting vegetables,
a woman with a pumpkin patch smile is sitting in the front row
watching the sympathetic matador
laying down with his bull.-I don't see any flaws but nothing that stunned me. It's good.
All in front of a crowd that is talking about an eye for an eye,
an arm for an arm,
until you
get lost inside that chinese fingertrap like a
foreign typewriter or a
postcard from a
capsized ship. I don't like the way you did the a's. Its obviously intended but it didn't do it for me.
Capsulized in a strain glass bottle,
calculating the time it takes to realize
that the sand in your hands is just as important
as the girl in your arms or the
toes on your feet that you
count as you fall
asleep.
Great until here, no flaws. This is really original.
Like a newborn.
Or, the first breath you take
when you arrive, a tiny seed
in the belly of a watermelon
and sprout a patch of weeds
that continue to grow and
grow.

I felt the grow extended out at the end seemed a bit much. I would have left it like this. I enjoyed this but obviously in some sections that don't relate to the previous ones you were trying to get down as much as possible. It didn't affect the piece really, and you actually could get several different pieces out of it. Keep it up.
#10
thank you.
i think im probably going to dissect this tonight and see what i can do with it all.
#11
Ridiculously good.

First stanza is flawless.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching