#1
A Leaf Fell

I had seen it from afar.

A cold Tuesday morning. The sun
being frozen out behind the clouds.
Dew dripping down blades of lush,
green grass. Young minds still
sliding, swinging and smiling with
blue cheeks, playing in the park
together. I stood at the edge

conscious of my ugly appearance
amongst the beauty of autumn.
Soon though parents looked at
watches, the children were called
and the park emptied.

With every step bringing a soft
crunch, I shuffled across to the
roundabout, and reminisced;
when I was a moribund child.
I'd rotate in this same spot,
looking out bitterly to the few
others I knew who'd destroyed me.

Then I sensed the stare, and let the
apparatus turn me around. My feet
gently stopped the momentum. A
western silence ensued. Facing me
was a small boy, perhaps six or
seven years of age. His eyes told
me a story I already knew; the blue
in his cheeks echoed the colour of the
weather, but it extended into his smile.
If I could've taken a knife and cut him,
he would have bled blue, from a blue heart.

The child walked over to a young oak,
still in it's plastic shell. He plucked a leaf
from it's frail arm, and let the wind take
it through the air, eventually landing
next to my steady feet. Without force,
I began to spin again. And feeling no
surprise or horror, I turned once to find
that the child had gone.


Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jun 16, 2007,
#2
I had seen it from afar.
nice beginning
A cold Tuesday morning. The sun
being frozen out behind the clouds.
Dew dripping down blades of lush,
green grass. Young minds still
sliding, swinging and smiling with
blue cheeks, playing in the park
together. I stood at the edge
Nothing wrong here, some great imagery, I like the alliteration

conscious of my ugly appearance
amongst the beauty of autumn.
Soon though parents looked at
watches, the children were called
and the park emptied.
I'm confused, what does your appearance have to do with the children leaving or vice versa, good anyway

With every step bringing a soft
crunch, I shuffled across to the
roundabout, and reminisced;
when I was a moribund child.
I'd rotate in this same spot,
looking out bitterly to the few
others I knew who'd destroyed me.
Beautiful, this is great

Then I sensed the stare, and let the
apparatus turn me around. My feet
gently stopped the momentum. A
western silence ensued. Facing me
was a small boy, perhaps six or
seven years of age. His eyes told
me a story I already knew; the blue
in his cheeks echoed the colour of the
weather, but it extended into his smile.
If I could've taken a knife and cut him,
he would have bled blue, from a blue heart.
Damn Jamie, really good

The child walked over to a young oak,
still in it's plastic shell. He plucked a leaf
from it's frail arm, and let the wind take
it through the air, eventually landing
next to my steady feet. Without force,
I began to spin again. And feeling no
surprise or horror, I turned once to find
that the child had gone.
This ending truly stunned me, at first when I read this I tried to scroll down thinking there was still more but no, it was the end. Brilliant Jamie, the best I have read today. I'm sorry if this is no help to you but I couldn't find anything wrong with it. Keep writing

EDIT: C4C when you have a chance, maybe? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=9607665#post9607665
Last edited by confusius at Jun 16, 2007,
#3
wow man... this is good.. i really liked it.. i would give a full crit.. but after reading confuis i agree with his totally... it was really good i'd say keep up the good work

i relaly loved the beginning it was... great lol short and simple

umm i acutally go the third stanza. i guess it made sence to me.. over all i cant really cit... i dont see any fault...
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#4
Wow, I enjoyed it. Is this child a younger version of yourself? That's what I got from it...

I might crit this tomorrow but there's no flaws, so yeah.....

Well done.
#6
Hey my Jammy friend.

I've just realised, you get to all of my pieces and I in return am a bit of a bastard. I'm not critiquing this now, but by God I will. It's black-dotted now and I'll get it tomorrow. Promise.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#7
This is a really interesting piece. The structure and diction really adds to the piece. The struture keeps the pace really smooth, and the word usage really helps with the point of view.

A couple times the word usage seemed like it may be a tad bit elaborate, which I almost got a little hung up on, but then the structure that you have here kinda pulled me right back into the piece, which is really great. I can't find any flaws significant enough that changing them would add to the piece. Great work. I really like how you held on to that point of view.


If you could crit my newest piece "Rainstorm Blues", I'd appreciate it.

Keep on writing, you produce some cool stuff.
#10
This was just dripping with excellent imagery. I clearly saw the picture you painted, and it was executed in a very simple, yet descriptive way (save the word moribund, had to hit the dictionary for that one). The majority of this piece was ace, but I have a couple of minor problems. Firstly, I find the knife lines too harsh for the tone of the piece. It just seems abrupt and violent, especially since you've already clearly established the blue-ness of the child. I don't know, it just doesn't work for me. Also, some of the line breaks seemed odd and out of place to me. They kinda ruined the flow for me. Anyway, besides those small things, this was great. Nice work Jamie.
Last edited by NGD1313 at Jun 21, 2007,
#12
Alex - Pscht, pie crusts

Nick- Thanks. I wasn't too sure of the knife line, I thought I may have been a bit too sharp (aha) on that. The line breaks are where I say them naturally, but on re-reading yes, it doesn't read too smoothly. It's something I'm determined to address in future pieces though.

Lespaul- I appreciate your words. I'll get back to you soon, with any luck.

Thanks everyone.
#13
wow, i really enjoyed this, it painted a beautiful picture in my head, i do agree that this line is a little harsh tho
"If I could've taken a knife and cut him,
he would have bled blue, from a blue heart."
i didnt really get that part, but the rest i loved, u have a great talent and skill in writing, how u brought a storie to life by the imagery described in the storie, keep t up, could u crit mine http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=611103
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#14
A
western silence ensued.


i cant really explain why, but i really loved this line, maybe something of the double-meaning of the cold, connective culture of western society

the only things that bothered me were the choppyness of the first stanza, and the use of the word 'apparatus' which seemed incorrect and out of place

other than that, in all honesty, you should be proud, this is really ace work


crit for crit?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=611287
#15
I really liked it. It was like watching a play. I loved the imagery and the pictures you painted. I agree with ChordMonger, I really liked that line but my favourite part was:

conscious of my ugly appearance
amongst the beauty of autumn.

I love autumn and I can completely connect to that feeling.

Crit mine?
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=612788
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do