#1
To Jackie
We run and scream in the garden above
Squeal and succumbing to the feeling of love

Never to turn and digress from this state
We live on forever and ever we stay

You let your hair fall, down from the skies
The smell is so great, I don’t know why
I kiss your neck and breath in the flowers
You push me away, I fall to the water
(personal stanza dont think people will get)

Submerged and alone I sit waiting for you
Holding my breath, my clothes soaked through

I gave you my heart, my breath and a flower
You said you had loved me but for only an hour

Long have I waited to see your face
What will transpire need only to wait

What is love but an ill ridden fate?
What have I done but make my mistakes
To run in your garden, your loving embrace
I long to feel as I look up to the sun
and scream out your name
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
Last edited by me<-needs help at Dec 1, 2007,
#2
Quote by me<-needs help
To Jackie
We run and we scream in the garden above
Squeal and succumb to the feeling of love

I like this, rhyming is good. It's on the verge of being forced, but not quite. Good opening.

Never to turn and digress from this state
We live on forever and ever we stay

I think the last line should be. "We live on forever, and forever we stay" Usuially you dont use the same word twice in a line but i think we can make an exception with this.

You let your hair fall, down from the skies
The smell is so great, I don’t know why
I kiss your neck and breath in the flowers
You push me away, I fall to the water

Ok, not bad. If the point you're trying to get at is that she almost like shuts you down then the third line should say, "I kiss your neck and hand you the flowers", but if thats not the point your getting at then just ignore that.


Submerged and alone I sit waiting for you
Never to move or turn from the coral
The fish may suck and eat at my flesh
But forever we live and ever we stay

Same thing here, with the "We live on forever, and forever we stay". change it to that. Other than that, you might want to change up the second line, to me it just doesnt fit, i know that its the same amount of sylables as the first but it doesnt seem to flow, might just be the way I'm reading it though.


I gave you my heart, my breath and a flower
You said you had loved me but for only an hour

Hmm, the first line is good, but the second seems forced with they rhyme, Flower/Hour. Maybe try changing up the rhyme.


Those lushes lips those hips they peak my ire
Your dark hair and eyes they scream of desire

I think that you should take this out completly or change up the wording. The ire/desire rhyme sounds forced too.


Long have I waited to see your face
What will transpire need only to wait

Good stanza.

What is love but an ill ridden fate?
What I have done but make my mistakes
To run in your garden, your loving embraces
I long to feel as I look at your face

Take out the last two lines and thats a great ending. Or change the face part, seems like a repitition of the word face from the stanza above.


Over all not bad, i liked it. Crit mine? its in my sig.
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
#3
mm nice thx for the crit yea i uhh crit'd yours i really didnt have much to say sorry O.o i explained it there at the end lol. mm yea thx for the crit. it really helped
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#4
Not bad at all.
you had some AMAZING lines in there that i thought we really well done, but on the other hand, it lost its spark sometimes.
The first two stanzas are fine, i like buddys idea for the forever we stay, it just seems to fit better.
For the thrird stanza:
You let your hair fall, down from the skies
The smell is so great, I don’t know why
I kiss your neck and breath in the flowers
You push me away, I fall to the water

I really dont like the, I fall to the water. I realize that it sets up for the next stanza(being water related) but it really doesnt sit right for me. maybe, you push me away towards dark waters? i unno.
For the fouth stanza. i had the same problem. the coral line poped out at me in a bad way. it sticks out to me, i think maybe you should try something else for that line.
I gave you my heart, my breath and a flower
This is one of the AMAZING lines i was talkin about. Really cool. i like it.
I dont know what ire means lol, but the stanza seems to flow fine with it. so...
Last but not least for the last stanza cut embraces down to embrace and youll be fine, unless you want to make it faces. which would just be weird.
Overall i liked it. didnt love it, but liked it... there were some lines that really were awsome and would have me listing to it a couple of times, but as a whole it was just a 8/10.
Thanks for the crit on my Love/Hate peaice. can you check out my others.
thanks, peace.
#5
Quote by me<-needs help
To Jackie
We run and we scream in the garden above
Squeal and succumb to the feeling of love
This opening is good, yet the rhyme seems a little forced

Never to turn and digress from this state
We live on forever and ever we stay
I dont like the second line very much, ever we stay kind of ruins a bit of the flow for me

You let your hair fall, down from the skies
The smell is so great, I don’t know why
I kiss your neck and breath in the flowers
You push me away, I fall to the water
I dont like this unfortunatly, "I dont know why" ruins the flow and feeling a little, and so does "I fall to the water", the idea is not bad, just find a better way of saying it.

Submerged and alone I sit waiting for you
Holding my breath, my clothes soaked through
But forever we live and ever we stay
"ever we stay" ruins the flow a bit again for me. But the other 2 lines are great.

I gave you my heart, my breath and a flower
You said you had loved me but for only an hour
A sweet little section, i especialy like the last line

Those lushes lips those hips my infatuation
Your dark hair and eyes they scream of desire
I dont like this bit, just doesnt seem in place

Long have I waited to see your face
What will transpire need only to wait

What is love but an ill ridden fate?
What I have done but make my mistakes
To run in your garden, your loving embraces
I long to feel as I look up to the sun
and scream out your name
A great ending, best part of the poem


It has a great ending, the rest could use with some work on the flow. Thanks for the crit on mine by the way.
#6
wow thx for the crit quite prompt might i add lol
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")