#1
It's a street hassle:
Smashing recycling bins for pussy.
Sucking dick for more pussy.
I brush like a gladiator, push in/out, and I find
gray hairs.
One fish said to another -
"The tides, they are a changing."
Underwater conflict.
I took a semester of Wind Chime at a community college,
but I can't understand them.
They speak sporadically and in too short of bursts.
It doesn't matter.

This world has down syndrome.
It probably has left, right, and up syndrome, too.
But who am I?
Elder statesman.
Spalding gray.
I turned friends into debt collectors.
There's not a word I can write that hasn't already been touched
on by either myself or someone else who thinks that
one day they're going to clip my shit out of magazines, frame
them, and try to meet me so I can sign them.
Don't waste your time.
The money you would've spent on an envelope would've
been better spent on an orange cream-cicle that would've
cut through boiling Summer shit,
where the girls are the same color and
the sweat drips down your testicles so fast that you may
as well hop aboard a raft
and paddle your
way down
stream.
Poor advice.
#3
haha this is all extremely witty.
i think the testicles part could be better, just cause the use of testicles seemed a little immature for the message in this.
otherwise perfect.
one of my favorites from you
#4
It's a street hassle:
Smashing recycling bins for pussy.
Sucking dick for more pussy.
I brush like a gladiator, push in/out, and I find
gray hairs.
One fish said to another -
"The tides, they are a changing."
Underwater conflict.
I took a semester of Wind Chime at a community college,
but I can't understand them.
They speak sporadically and in too short of bursts.
It doesn't matter.
This is all great here but the last line is perfect. It just made me want to read the next one. Great job.

This world has down syndrome.
It probably has left, right, and up syndrome, too.-haha, I chuckled violently.
But who am I?
Elder statesman.
Spalding gray.
I turned friends into debt collectors.
There's not a word I can write that hasn't already been touched
on by either myself or someone else who thinks that
one day they're going to clip my **** out of magazines, frame
them, and try to meet me so I can sign them.
Don't waste your time.
The money you would've spent on an envelope would've
been better spent on an orange cream-cicle that would've
cut through boiling Summer ****,
where the girls are the same color and
the sweat drips down your testicles so fast that you may
as well hop aboard a raft
and paddle your
way down
stream.

No flaws, this was awesome. I love your style. This was perfect.

EDIT: C4C perhaps if you have time? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=608224
Last edited by confusius at Jun 17, 2007,
#5
You've really been in a zone lately haven't you? You've got a really filthy style and you pull it off well, this is no exception. Great piece.
#9
I think the repeat of pussy twice in the first three lines is a bit much. Strong word on it's own, guaranteed to grab attention, I think using it twice makes both lose it's luster.

"They speak sporadically and in too short of bursts"

^pretty cool line, kinda speaks the truth of the peice as well. The second verse is actually really good I thought. I'd make a decision on who this is intended for though. I get the idea from the first verse that it's geared toward an older crowd, maybe middle 20's based on the characters mentioned and attainement of some "college" However, when you start using curse words, and talk about testicles, I get a real childish vibe from it. You'll either have to tone down the first verse or have the second verse be a bit more mature than falling into cursing and crude sexual talk.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#10
I'm not sure if the concrete form little bit at the end was intentional, but I liked that, in addition to everything else that's been said.

Great stuff.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching