#1
Just something I threw together with a rough piece I wrote before and a thing that my friend said to me during a convo that sounded just like it should be a verse. It was the base of the whole song. Tell me how to improve it, Crit for Crit if you want.

Verse
Me, telling you I'm thinking, won't make you mind.
Telling you I love you, but won't give me the time.
We could be everything.

Me, wishing for a new start, won't make you come along.
Telling you I always needed you, by writing these songs.
could I change anything?

Pre-Bridge
I know I'm going back,
I'm just down a different track.

Verse
Me, telling you I'm ugly, won't make me pretty.
Telling you I'm fat, won't make me skinny.
It won't fix anything.

Chorus
She's as sweet as a tulipe,
she's the sunshine of my life.
From her blonde-brown hair,
To her sea-blue eyes.
She's everything special,
She's not quite new,
but if I choose to spend my life with someone,
noone but the best will do.

Verse
Me, wishing to be, everything between her lip seams.
Telling me to wait a little longer, so I sit and daydream.
We could be everything.

Me, starting something new by going back to the old.
Telling you not to go back to him, but girl you're so cold.
Could I change anything.

Me, telling you I'm crazy, won't take away the pain.
Telling you I ****ing need you, won't make me sane.
It won't fix anything.

Bridge
I can see I'm going back,
I'm just on a different track.
Going back to where I was a year ago,
Not stuck in a staircase of personal low.
We weren't meant for each back then,
So, we're not right for each other again?
We could be everything.
Couldn't change anything.
Won't fix anything now.

Chorus
She's as sweet as a tulipe,
she's the sunshine of my life.
From her blonde-brown hair,
To her sea-blue eyes.
She's everything special,
She's not quite new,
but if I choose to spend my life with someone,
noone but the best will do.

Outro (maybe has the vibe of being spoken at the end)
I know I'm going back,
I'm just on a different track.
The best is you.
LimbLifter is the best band in the world! and they're Canadian .
Last edited by JamesForks at Jun 17, 2007,
#3
Me, telling you I'm thinking, won't make you mind.
Telling you I love you, but won't give me the time.
We could be everything.
Me breaks the flow at the beginning. Rest is ok

Me, wishing for a new start, won't make you come along.
Telling you I always needed you, by writing these songs.
could I change anything?
Good

Telling you I'm ugly, won't make me pretty.
Telling you I'm fat, won't make me skinny.
It won't fix anything.
The last line doesn't flow

She's as sweet as a tulipe,
she's the sunshine of my life.
From her blonde-brown hair,
To her sea-blue eyes.
She's everything special,
She's not quite new,
but if I choose to spend my life with someone,
noone but the best will do.
This is a tad to long for a chorus, it needs to be short and catchy, this looks tough for the average listener to hum along to

Me, wishing to be, everything between her lip seams.
Telling me to wait a little longer, so I sit and daydream.
We could be everything.
Good. Nothing special

Me, starting something new by going back to the old.
Telling you not to go back to him, but girl you're so cold.
Could I change anything.
Ditto

Me, telling you I'm crazy, won't take away the pain.
Telling you I ****ing need you, won't make me sane.
It won't fix anything.
I find swearing tasteless when written down in pieces, and here it didn't add anything

Going back to where I was a year ago,
Not stuck in a staircase of personal low.
We weren't meant for each back then,
So, we're not right for each other again?
We could be everything.
Couldn't change anything.
Won't fix anything now.
The rhyming in this stanza is pretty forced, you should try not to rhyme on purpose. Only rhyme when you need too. Or else it generally doesn't work. Generally

Ok, I thought that this was overall just ok. Nothing special, nothing stunning, but nothing wrong. I'm not sure if you get me. It was just ok. The flow was harsh because of those me's. I can't see any obvious grammatical flaws. It was just that: ok

She's as sweet as a tulipe,
she's the sunshine of my life.
From her blonde-brown hair,
To her sea-blue eyes.
She's everything special,
She's not quite new,
but if I choose to spend my life with someone,
noone but the best will do.

I'm know I'm going back,
I'm just on a different track.
The best is you.

__________________
#4
Me, telling you I'm thinking, won't make you mind.
Telling you I love you, but won't give me the time.
We could be everything.

--INTERESTING START. GOOD CREATIVE STRUCTURE, HAVING A HARD TIME MAKING SENSE OF IT AT THIS POINT. I THINK YOU'RE ALMOST LEAVING TOO MANY WORDS OUT. I CAN ALREADY SEE THAT FORCED RHYMING "MIGHT" BE A PROBLEM

Me, wishing for a new start, won't make you come along.
Telling you I always needed you, by writing these songs.
could I change anything?

--PRETTY GOOD, STILL DIGGING THE STRUCTURE. KIND OF A HE SAID SHE SAID VIBE. NICE. I'M SURE THERE IS A BETTER WORD TO RHYME WITH ALONG THAN SONG, BEEN DONE SO MANY TIMES BEFORE ....

Pre-Bridge
I know I'm going back,
I'm just down a different track.

--NOT A HUGE FAN OF THIS, AND THE RHYME IS TERRIBLY FORCED, AND REALLY, ADDS NOTHING TO THE PIECE THAT YOU HAVEN'T ALRADY ALLUDED TO IN THE FIRST FEW STANZAZ

Verse
Me, telling you I'm ugly, won't make me pretty.
Telling you I'm fat, won't make me skinny.
It won't fix anything.

--BEST VERSE SO FAR. WELL DONE.

Chorus
She's as sweet as a tulipe,
she's the sunshine of my life.
From her blonde-brown hair,
To her sea-blue eyes.
She's everything special,
She's not quite new,
but if I choose to spend my life with someone,
noone but the best will do.

--PLEASANTLY SURPISED ON HOW GOOD THIS CHORUS IS. I WON'T LIE, I GOT ABOUT 3 VERSES IN AND I FIGURED THE HOOK WAS GOING TO SUCK BASED ON THE STOP/GO STRUCTURE OF THE VERSES. RHYMES GOOD, FLOWS NICELY, PUT SOME STRONG POWER CHORDS BEHIND IT, AND YOU GOT A RADIO READY CHORUS. ACE.

Verse
Me, wishing to be, everything between her lip seams.
Telling me to wait a little longer, so I sit and daydream.
We could be everything.

--I'D CHANGE LIP TO MOUTH, SINCE LIPS ALREADY REFERS TO A SEEM, SO ESSENTIALLY YOU'RE SAYING THE SAME THING TWICE. L2 IS ONE OF THE WEAKEST SO FAR, YOU'RE STARTING TO LOSE STEAM, AND THE RHYMES ARE BEING FORCED.

Me, starting something new by going back to the old.
Telling you not to go back to him, but girl you're so cold.
Could I change anything.

--L1 IS STELLAR, AGAIN, L2 IS FOCUSING ON THE RHYME. IN FACT, LOOKS LIKE YOU ALTERED HOW IT WOULD BE SAID IN A NORMAL CONVERSATION TO MAKE SURE THAT IT RHYMES. GIVE YOU PROPS THOUGH FOR STICKING WITH THE STRUCTURE, THAT PART IS DEAD ON GREAT.

Me, telling you I'm crazy, won't take away the pain.
Telling you I ****ing need you, won't make me sane.
It won't fix anything.

--NICE PROGRESSION, I'D LEAVE OUT THE CURSING, DOESN'T FIT IN THE PEICE. YOU CAN PORTRAY THOSE INTENSE EMOTIONS WITHOUT RESORTING TO OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE.

Bridge
I'm can see I'm going back,
I'm just on a different track.
Going back to where I was a year ago,
Not stuck in a staircase of personal low.
We weren't meant for each back then,
So, we're not right for each other again?
We could be everything.
Couldn't change anything.
Won't fix anything now.

--PRETTY COOL BRIDGE. STILL NOT A FAN OF L1/2, BUT THEY DON'T LOOK SO ODD AS JUST A "PART" OF THE BRIDGE AS OPPOSED TO THE ENTIRE BRIDGE. I MUST HAVE MISSED THE REFERENCE IN L4, CAUSE IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO ME. L5/6 IS REALLY GOOD. I LIKE IT ALOT.

Chorus
She's as sweet as a tulipe,
she's the sunshine of my life.
From her blonde-brown hair,
To her sea-blue eyes.
She's everything special,
She's not quite new,
but if I choose to spend my life with someone,
noone but the best will do.

Outro (maybe has the vibe of being spoken at the end)
I'm know I'm going back,
I'm just on a different track.
The best is you.

--YOU KNOW HOW I FELL ABOUT THOSE LINES AT THIS POINT, SO I HAT THE ENDING. BTW, IT SHOULD BE I NOT I'M IN L1.

Overall, I think the peice shows good promise. The chorus is so good I think, that it almost makes the second half of the verses past the 1st chorus almost barable. hehehe. I look forward to reading more of your stuff, and to hear that chrorus with some riffs behind it.

If you don't mind, I could really use a full crit on mine ....
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=607377
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#5
A lot of the stuff I write it really personal...and a lot of it is stuff that you may not understand without an explanation. The Pre bridge ****ty rhyme is intentional...it's meant to be and sound kind of repetitive like my life...stuck in a rut for a ****ing year and it's been hard. It also meant that I was going back to where I was a year ago, before the rut, but it wasn't the same. I was a new person and on a different track in life. A new start by going back to the old. The first girl I liked in a long time, and the only girl I've ever been with were the inspiration. I'm just writing a lot lately because I'm out of this rut and feel really good. That's what the whole staircase line is about. I didn't know what to do besides swear, I couldn't think of another word to show agression where I wanted to. Thanks for the crit.
LimbLifter is the best band in the world! and they're Canadian .
Last edited by JamesForks at Jun 17, 2007,
#6
wow. It's a really awesome song, it is kinda personal, but that's not a bad thing. It's sad, sorta romantic IF you think about it, and it just has alot of meaning to it. nice work
"Penis"
"That's right kids, I said penis"
:stickpoke
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