#1
Sealed letters of vigilance and warning have been sent to everyone
That stood perfectly around the illuminated circle, that one night
And a flickering light, signed the fickle move it was;
Since no one knows exactly how it came about,
And doubt was our share of humble pie -
A lie, told in a fascinating manner,
Declared across our banner,
Stated that we were once
As one, and so very
Much alone.
This is not a pipe
#3
hmmmmmmmmmmm....
feels like lucid dream.
its strange the way it reads just makes me imagine such a haze of colours and
makes the poem breathe and come alive
really nice
#4
Quote by carmel_l

This piece seems so recognisable as yours because of the wording. Usually I would complain about it, that sometimes it seems a bit abstract or incorrect how you've worded somethings; but now I'm appreciating how your pieces have their own style and tone to them, and I find it refreshing.


Sealed letters of vigilance and warning have been sent to everyone
That stood perfectly around the illuminated circle, that one night
And a flickering light, signed the fickle move it was;
They rhyme of night/light I think is in too close proximity. I feel that it would have been better a bit further on - here, I think the flows stumbles somewhat with the rhymes being so close.
Since no one knows exactly how it came about,
And doubt was our share of humble pie -
A lie, told in a fascinating manner,
Declared across our banner,
Stated that we were once
As one, and so very
Much alone.
I have no complaints.


If you could leave a small comment on the one that isn't walls in my sig, I'd appreciate your input. Thanks Carmel
#5
This was great. The structure and flow were good, and the rhyming was executed very well.

The only thing I'll mention that kind of caught my attention is the use of "perfectly" in the second line. It seems like too strong of a word to describe people standing. Personally I have trouble associating the word "perfectly" with people in general, but either way, in my opinion it isn't the right word to use.

I enjoyed reading this though. Good work.
#6
First thing that hit me with this was the rhyming, it's uneven and unorthodox but does give the piece just the quality I'm sure you were aiming for. It reads as though read by a husky, soft, female voice, and whilst it is calming (due mainly to the rhyming) also has occasional touches of a sickening, creeping sense of dread.
As noted earlier when I personified the voice; the voice per se of the poet is what separates the good from the great. Now, as I think Jamie touched upon, it is something of poetic prowess when you can immediately think, 'that's Carmel', upon reading. Indeed, as I pointed out, I hear this and each one of your pieces, resonate in my head in that same hushed tone, and that I believe to be something that marks you out from the rest of the writers on this forum. This is by no means a lack of respect, as there are some gifted wordsmiths, but you pieces are the only ones that really feel. So, in short I commend you for that, but especially your distinguished pacing, timing and tone, all of which I find fantastic to such an extent I may well run out of expletives.

And Christ, I hate complimenting people, so...

(I also hate asking for crits, but, you know...
It's in my sig.)
"You can never quarantine the past."
#7
Stated that we were once
As one, and so very
Much alone


^^^ I liked that part the best... seemed simple...
Promises meant a lot back then.
#8
I ****ING HATE UG, EVERYTIME I POST A ****ING CRIT AND I HAVE A REALLY ****ING GOOD LONG ONE IT ****ING FREEZES UP.

tell a story instead of retell it.

you start too many lines with past tense verbs

you're not vague enough to be interesting and your details aren't indepth enough to add imagery,

everything here seems forced eloquence, and I think you can write more fluidly than this.

that's a summary of about 5 paragraphs worth of critique.

****,..
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#9
Congrats on becoming a mod. I really liked the flow of the piece and thought that it was definitely one of the highlights. I also thought the rhyme scheme and lack of rhyme scheme was well written. The only thing I would change would be the second line. Change "That stood" to "Standing". I think it helps it flow better. The three closing lines were magnificent and I liked the meaning of them. Anyways, nice job.

Crit mine please?
Two Virgin Maries
#10
Thanks everyone, your words are much appreciated. I will look into the wording that you've pointed out and will try some different things. It was pretty much OTS piece.

I'll get to your pieces now, but I may not get to do them all at the moment so if I happen to forget, PM me.

Cheers again.


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#11
A lie, told in a fascinating manner,
Declared across our banner

^^ don't do this. you don't rhyme through the rest of the piece, so this looks really, really forced. sorry.

i love the rest of this, i just think those two lines detract from it significantly.

--jay
#13
It was okay. But like the others said, it sounded a little forced. Maybe add a little more colour?
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#15
it was very good. it flowed well. but i do agree that "A lie, told in a fascinating manner,
Declared across our banner" doesn't fit because you it rhymes and almost nothing else does. i think it is fine the way it is.

~Carrik~
#16
It seems rather forced, c'est tout.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching