#1
friends and lovers, their faces around
this sparking bark, embers like rain falling down
anima breathes into the combustion heap
and the old tree burns

my goddess sighs her soul to my lips
salvation's taste trades off to a smoke-screened kiss
what eyes have i that drink the divine in
as the old tree burns
#3
First of all, I love the spiritual reference. I don't see that much. I also love the imagery, I can really see a whole scene based on this in the mind's eye.

I don't know if I have much to say on this, I mean, it's pretty flawless. The way you set the scene, close in on the action, and make it all meaningful is really impressive.

9.5, Excellent man.
So good to see you once again.
I thought that you were hiding.
And you thought that I had run away.
Chasing the tail of dogma.
I opened my eye and there we were .
#5
Wow man. That was pretty damm amazing lol.
Short but sweet i think. The imagrary is spot on and has the reader painten the picture in there head. Perfect flow, awsome discription and amazing originality and wording.
My only problem in this whole thing is the line:
what eyes have i that drink the divine in
i have no idea what it is saying. and its probly just me and my un poetic ways lol but i unno.
Anywho i know this hasnt much help but its hard to critique such a well done peice, but if you got the time or the will check out some of my work please.
(in the sig) I always crit for crit. Thanks
#6
Quote by Phoebus
thanks guys...

idk. i think i need to add more. oijfhoiwfna


Yes you do.

Quote by Phoebus
friends and lovers, their faces around
this sparking bark, embers like rain falling down
anima breathes into the combustion heap
and the old tree burns

my goddess sighs her soul to my lips
salvation's taste trades off to a smoke-screened kiss
what eyes have i that drink the divine in
as the old tree burns


First stanza is great. I'm not sure about the enjambment in L1, "friends and lovers" sounds great as an individual opening. Other than that awesome opening. I kinda see this as another point of view from Carmel's piece, but that's 'cause I read it just before yours.

I wasn't sure of "sighs her soul" I think it's too brief and too quick for the reader to take anything more from it, perhaps expand on that slightly. L2 is a bit wordy, compared to the rest it stands out, if there's any room for expansion with a view to spread the idea out a bit more, there's the place. I'd perhaps say "drink in the divine..." Other than that this was a great little read, excellent imagery - but it's those 2 slightly wordy lines that gives me the impression it needs to be expanded, perhaps that's where you see it too.

peACE

If you could get to the one in my sig that would be grrrrreat!
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#7
Whether it needs extension or not, it is very, very good nonetheless.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching