#1
tether awkward glances
above a satisfied reprise.
i cut my futures out of paper.
placed them into a river bed.
cast line into my prospects.
but my father keeps taking my hand,
his breath heavy with cheap beer
and saturated fats.
his fingers over mine
guiding that feeble line
i clutch with blushed palms.

switch to a crowded dinner table.
i itch in uncontrollable lonesome.
packaging letters in my mind.
the conversations around me
reek of politics and pop culture
but, i’m just counting days
until i see yr chicory frame.
would you write me back
and tell me what it is like to be in love?
because stale liquors and broken tabs
only seem to go so far.

i have my knees curled to my chest
with ease on the dock.
my hands ripe with labor
feeling faded in yet another summer’s
endless choke.
my eyes heavy with stray change
i sit making paper crowns
from torn fates with my feet
dipped in an endless pond
of my own construction.

wondering if my reel has been spent
like a boy, if i let that catch back to sea.
and with baited hooks
i trace every moon line
hoping to forget myself
in the amusement of tasks.
but every evening my rod lays in reflection.
laid in empty harbors
my own lace of self entrapment unravels
and i stare doe-eyed into my desolation.


crit for crit.
#2
I'll definitely try to give this more attention later. For now I'll say that this is my favorite piece of yours to date. Great job.
#3
Impressive, WOTW withing 10 hours of being posted. Congrats.

Pretty deep stuff, I can't find much to crit to be honest

Is this some form of a typo "until i see yr chicory frame." or do I lack the needed intellect? Its quite possible. lol


"but every evening my rod lays in reflection.
laid in empty harbors"
^_^
These two lines seem a little rough to me. Individually they are pretty cool, but I think that the words usage in the second line has a tough time working with the first one like it is intended.

Great piece, congrats on the WOTW.


as for the c4c, get at the last piece in my sig
Last edited by rockinlespaul at Jun 19, 2007,
#4
tether awkward glances
above a satisfied reprise.
i cut my futures out of paper. <- i like how you used the plural of "future"... technically an individual only has one future... but the plural gives it an extra dimension.
placed them into a river bed.
cast line into my prospects. <- i think it would read better as "cast a line".
but my father keeps taking my hand,
his breath heavy with cheap beer
and saturated fats.
his fingers over mine <- this line seems slightly off with wording.... it would be perfect if it followed directly after the sixth line... but since there is a separate thought inbetween the hand/fingers idea it would make more sense as "his fingers are over mine".
guiding that feeble line
i clutch with blushed palms.

switch to a crowded dinner table.
i itch in uncontrollable lonesome.
packaging letters in my mind.
the conversations around me
reek of politics and pop culture
but, i’m just counting days
until i see yr chicory frame. <- nice rhyming.
would you write me back
and tell me what it is like to be in love?
because stale liquors and broken tabs
only seem to go so far. <- really like the last four lines here. best stanza.

i have my knees curled to my chest
with ease on the dock.
my hands ripe with labor
feeling faded in yet another summer’s
endless choke.
my eyes heavy with stray change <- you've already described your father's breath as being "heavy"... maybe find a different word to use here.
i sit making paper crowns
from torn fates with my feet <- cool reference to the first stanza.
dipped in an endless pond
of my own construction.

wondering if my reel has been spent
like a boy, if i let that catch back to sea.
and with baited hooks
i trace every moon line
hoping to forget myself
in the amusement of tasks.
but every evening my rod lays in reflection.
laid in empty harbors
my own lace of self entrapment unravels
and i stare doe-eyed into my desolation.

correction... this stanza was the best... the close use of "lays/laid" sounds great.

all-in-all i liked this a lot... like i said it's my favorite piece of yours so far... good work.
#5
Obviously amazing sir.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
I am happy for the person that won the award but i think i should be on the winners forum so time soon.....for my old pieces not the new ones cause i been around the block a little and i think ive giving some impressive and excellent pieces not the no one else did but i think i just gave more in my eyes and other persons not trying to be cocky or a wank but anyways congrats my lyrical genious brother!
#8
It isn't up to one individual who wins WOTW. You can't announce you deserve it. Currently it is chosen by 5 special members from the Secret Council. So I nor any one person has a say in the decision.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Jun 20, 2007,
#10
holy cow, I never new about a secret counsil either.... I feel left out...
Promises meant a lot back then.
#11
same here. but i guess im just too bad of a writer to be on the 'secret council'


You can never fucking trust Canada when Canada decides to report on world news that doesn't concern Canada. Canada is only in it for Canada's sake. Canada doesn't even know Batman.

Fuck Canada
#13
^^^ what country is steve even in???

If he isn't in the US the fbi doesn't have too much power....
Promises meant a lot back then.
#17
what genera of music is this man? but other then that damn good bro
#18
thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. Anyways, I enjoyed reading this piece. I actually felt sympathetic for the narrator, even though I can't really connect to him. You were really able to paint a vivid picture of the character with this piece. The only thing that sticks out is the word "chicory". I really think you should substitute that for something else, that is more well known. Well, sorry for the lame crit, but I don't see much that needs to be changed.