#1
after my month long ban, i've written a lot, hopefully i'll be able to acheive my goal of writer of the month for june. this is my second peice for UG ever. i've gone through a lot while i've been gone, and im sorta happy that i was gone so i could staighten out my life. if you wanna know my recent happenings away from Ug pm me, i think you'll wanna check out the peice now. it's about halloween, although not really in the time frame of this year, i hope it will be an awakening for us. btw im not emo, or goth, or anything like that.


"less nails"

it’s Halloween, there’s black cats with alter egos,
Harry Potter, where does he go?
Hearing noises from the windows
sweat runs down your spleen,…
time for an lobotomy!

Vampire bats hanging from the ceiling
black cats eat fish without any feelings
walking out from the cave
standing with one foot in the grave

it’s better to be scared than terrified
when you’re locked inside the trunk
it’s better to be next to you
while I’m waking up.

it’s Halloween and it’s dark outside
even with the lights on, I’m terrified
that harvest moon will break loose soon
and elbows on concrete floor
is
all I've got left to breathe for.


You can never fucking trust Canada when Canada decides to report on world news that doesn't concern Canada. Canada is only in it for Canada's sake. Canada doesn't even know Batman.

Fuck Canada
Last edited by that soccer kid at Jun 21, 2007,
#2
Quote by that soccer kid
after my month long ban, i've written a lot, hopefully i'll be able to acheive my goal of writer of the month for june. this is my second peice for UG ever. i've gone through a lot while i've been gone, and im sorta happy that i was gone so i could staighten out my life. if you wanna know my recent happenings away from Ug pm me, i think you'll wanna check out the peice now. it's about halloween, although not really in the time frame of this year, i hope it will be an awakening for us. btw im not emo, or goth, or anything like that.


"less nails"

it’s Halloween, there’s black cats with alter egos,
Harry Potter, where does he go?
Hearing noises from the windows
sweat runs down your spleen,…
time for an anatomy!

Comical,i usually dont like comical pieces but i like this. I dont quite like the anatomy line,try lobotomy maybe? :P

Vampire bats hanging from the ceiling
black cats eat fish without any feelings
So crack open your spleen
without my lymphocytes I’m weak

I dont like the repetition of Spleen and Black cats,sounds like you just ran out of ideas. The first two lines are great apart from that however.

it’s better to be scared than terrified
when you’re locked inside a truck
it’s better to be next to you
while I’m waking up.

Im a big alkaline trio fan and this part REEKS of Trio :P I love it,but you changed the rhyming scheme,perhaps change the second and third lines around.

it’s Halloween and it’s dark outside
even with the lights on, I’m terrified
that harvest moon will break loose soon
and your head meeting that concrete floor,
is,
all we’ve got left to live for.

Again,the last two lines reek of Trio,im actually pretty sure the last line is in some trio song haha. I like it though,you keep the theme throughout the piece,its not too complicated,its not trying to be fancy or anything its not. I like it dude. Good piece overall.



I love the piece dude,looking forward to reading more of yours. Could you crit the piece in my sig? Thanks.
#3
sweat runs down your spleen,…
time for an anatomy!

Vampire bats hanging from the ceiling
black cats eat fish without any feelings
So crack open your spleen
without my lymphocytes I’m weak

it’s better to be scared than terrified
when you’re locked inside a truck



These parts seemed a little weak to me. The rst of it was pretty good though. I liked the last verse a lot. Crit mine? It should be somewhere on the front page.
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#4
best part i think is

it’s Halloween and it’s dark outside
even with the lights on, I’m terrified
that harvest moon will break loose soon
and your head meeting that concrete floor,
is,
all we’ve got left to live for



but I don't understand why you wrote a song about halloween.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#5
trio is was a huge inspiration for this...maybe too big of an inspiration. ill change it around a bit. and edit.

i've edited it. and i believe i'll be posting two more sets of lyrics in the near future.


You can never fucking trust Canada when Canada decides to report on world news that doesn't concern Canada. Canada is only in it for Canada's sake. Canada doesn't even know Batman.

Fuck Canada
Last edited by that soccer kid at Jun 21, 2007,