#1
Verse:
If I say that I need you
You'll say no, you just think you do
But this feeling I got, you know it's gotta be true
Why else would this coward get enough courage
Just to say I'm in love with you

Chorus:
And do you know how it feels to be let down
Cause you're letting me down right now
Say what you will, you won't change my mind
Did you hear what you said, cause I heard lies lies lies

Verse 2:
You know you're weighing me down like cement shoes on my feet
And when you're with your friends, you know I just can't compete
And aren't you aware that I can't see what's in front of me
You know I won't get what I want
Cause I'll never get what I need

Chorus:
And do you know how it feels to be let down
Cause you're letting me down right now
Say what you will, you won't change my mind
Did you hear what you said, cause I heard lies lies lies

Bridge:
The world's my bitch, I've got everything
What this place has got, I don't need anything
But what you didn't see was all my pain and misery
Who am I kidding, you're all that I need

Chorus:
And do you know how it feels to be let down
Cause you're letting me down right now
Say what you will, you won't change my mind
Did you hear what you said, cause I heard lies lies lies

---

I'm writing a new song and I'm just writing a bunch of different lyrics for it until I get something I really like. This is the first one I wrote. I'm aware the title sucks...

The song begins as a slow reggae song, not being really sad until near the end of the verse. The last few words of the chorus fit in with the guitar line so it sounds catchy. After the second chorus, the song becomes punkier and bluesier. I wrote this today after listening to a lot of The Slackers and keeping the songs FOD and Christie Road by Green Day in mind. This is the first song I wrote about a girl that I like. The only parts I'm unsure of are the choruses which I think could be better lyrically and not involving a minimum of four words. And I don't know if I got my point across with the bridge... I like saying the world's my bitch though, lol.

Crit for crit?

EDIT: Added a new chorus and took confusius' advice for the first verse for now. I'm trying to not have five lines but it's much better flow wise I think.
Last edited by Green Clash at Jun 23, 2007,
#2
this song has LOADS of potential, and i love the idea that its gunna start reggae (the slackers are a godly band). the only thing ide really say is avoid some of the more cliche lines, which you managed to do nicely for the most part except the chorus, but you said you were working on that still. i dunno what you play, but ide be happy to send you some tracks for the song if you know what you want it to sound it like musically yet.

crit for crit?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=611287
#3
I dont believe there has to be swearing in music, but it's good. Just you may wanna try getting more cleaned up on your lyrics.
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#4
I really like the whole song, to me it has a nice, fast-paced feel to it. But I think, if anything, you might want to maybe change the first verse around a little bit, to make the lines fit better, and maybe take out a few of the cliches as mentioned earlier. I can't really give a more detailed crit, since I'm kind of new to this forum and am still learning a lot about songwriting =].
Crit mine? It's my first piece, please tell me the truth on what you think =]
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=611051
#5
i liked it, but i agree with michal23, how the first verse dosent flow very good, but im sure that would be easy to fix, thats the only problem i have with it, keep it up, sry if this isnt much of a crit, thanxs for the crit on mine
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#7
If I say that I need you
You'll say no, you just think you do
But this feeling I got, you know it's gotta be true
Why else would this coward get enough courage
just to say I'm in love with you
I thought that last line was a bit long, so I broke it up in two and tweaked it a bit. Other than that it was good

So what, you wouldn't mind
Oh no, you wouldn't care
Who'll care? Only me
But I guess that's how we'll always be
It's good but last line seems to be a bit rough flow-wise

You know you're weighing me down like cement shoes on my feet
And when you're with your friends, you know that I can't compete
And aren't you aware that I can't see what's in front of me
I'll never get what I want or whatever I need
It's ok except for the third line, that doesn't fit in with the rest of the verse.

Bridge:
The world's my bitch, I've got everything
that this place has got, I don't need anything
But what you didn't see was all my pain and misery.
Who am I kidding, you're all that I need

This is quite a good song, my only problem was the flow in some areas and the fact that the theme was a bit cliche. It's quite hard not to be cliche if you write a love song, so if you are going to you have to do it in a different and original way. This may be tougher but the result is a much better song. C4C: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=611476
#8
Like everyone else has been saying, good lyrics, its just the first verse is a little rough, but other than that, pretty good. Its got kind of a old skool Green Day feel to it(I mean like Kerplunk! and 1039/Smoothed out Slappy Hours style of Green Day) which is good because their 90's stuff is their best(and can only be called true Green Day, not the new crap that have been making lately) give me a comment on my lyrics http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=611674
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#9
I like it a lot. What needed to be said has been said, but I definately can see this as a ska/reggae/2tone band. Sweet stuff, dude.
#11
Verse:
If I say that I need you
You'll say no, you just think you do
But this feeling I got, you know it's gotta be true
Why else would this coward get enough courage
Just to say I'm in love with you

Wow this is actually pretty powerful right here. It's a good subject that alot of people can relate to, especially me. Being in love with someone who doesn't love you back, is what I'm reading it as. It's pretty dramatic, especially the last line.

Chorus:
And do you know how it feels to be let down
Cause you're letting me down right now
Say what you will, you won't change my mind
Did you hear what you said, cause I heard lies lies lies

The girl's trying to be nice and gentle in rejecting you. It's good, but I'd need to hear the music to understand how the "lies" part fits in with the rest of the chorus...

Verse 2:
You know you're weighing me down like cement shoes on my feet
And when you're with your friends, you know I can't compete
And aren't you aware that I can't see what's in front of me
I'll never get what I want or whatever I need

To be honest, I don't like this passage as much. The first two lines kinda have a rushed feel, where it doesn't really flow that well with the rest of the song. The last line is kinda confusing. And also, the other verse flowed well because it had an extra, fifth line on the end to give a dramatic ending. This one only has four lines. I like the idea of making one of the verses about how you love her but it's taking it's toll on your morale and hurting you emotionally. Maybe add something in there kinda like what you were doing on the third line, but make it about how she really loves you too but won't accept it.

Chorus:
And do you know how it feels to be let down
Cause you're letting me down right now
Say what you will, you won't change my mind
Did you hear what you said, cause I heard lies lies lies

Bridge:
The world's my bitch, I've got everything
What this place has got, I don't need anything
But what you didn't see was all my pain and misery
Who am I kidding, you're all that I need

This one's pretty good too, stating the fact that she didn't know how much she meant to you and what she did to you by turning you down.

Chorus:
And do you know how it feels to be let down
Cause you're letting me down right now
Say what you will, you won't change my mind
Did you hear what you said, cause I heard lies lies lies


I really like this song actually. I could be totally wrong on the meaning, but it makes sense...
Um, I'd say just work on the second verse a little and you've got a song! Keep me posted as to how it turns out! I'd like to hear the melody you have planned for it.
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#13
Well, first thanks for the awesome crit. and unfortunatly my return will not be as good as the one you gave me. and though i'm sure the first verse is better than it was before, i think that it could get a lot better. that's really my only problem with this piece, other than that i really enjoyed it.
#14
Seems like there's some mixed feelings on parts. But I'm guessing the general consensus is postive. The song is sounding great with these lyrics and I'm glad I got the suggestion to have five lines in the verses, sounds more dramatic. I'll get a recording of this as soon as possible, though it might take a while since my band first needs to learn another song, and we've got a busy show schedule coming up. But when it's completed, I'll post it. Thanks for all the crits, wouldn't be the same without everyones help.