#1
I hope this is a better format.

The Tree
The tree is cracked
From the roots to the branches
They find they no longer can spread.
Their wings like an eagle,
Soaring far above the ground
Finding mice hidden in the grassy knolls.
And the squirrels hide in their holes,
the acorns that labor long since forgotten had earned.

As branches fall
The deer learn that the cracks were spreading
Out while the tree faded.
It left behind a sapling
That sapling grew steadily
Like an ant carrying a single piece of grain
Miles to its home.

"And we came to find
we were all clapping to the sound
of just one rhythm."

And I walked alone unnoticed
Within the forest.
I treasured every step
I could muster without sound.

The rabbits scampering underground
Went into their burrows
That were tenderly made
With attention to details unseen.

The sunshine scattering scarcely
In between the leaves
It was flooding the forest
With a short lived warmth.

I saw a tree splintered and cracked,
the roots were uplifting
and the branches were weeping at it's fate.

But I began to see the bright side to the story,
the small sapling brought more joy than it's predecessor.

"As it came into being
so did it come out,
leaving behind memories
that would all be talked about."
Last edited by Tizu at Jun 22, 2007,
#2
What exactly is this piece? Is it poetry?
I can't really get into this piece, I'm sorry. I think that the lines are just too long to keep it interesting. What you write is pretty cool and all, but its just the structure makes this hard to get into. Its different, thats for sure, but I just think that you need to put in some breaks if its a poem.

Its almost like a fable to me in the way its put together...which might be good or bad, depending upon how you want it to be read.
#3
yeah i don't reely like the structure too much either, fit the peices together in a better flow and that could be an awesome poem, from what i read that is reely good, i just woke up so a full critique wouldn't do any justice and plus i beleive that besides flaws like structure and flow lines shouldn't be changed too much, great job it's a very scenic image. oh and thanx for the crit
#4
Fixed the lines and made them a bit easier on the eyes.
#5
I didn't see the original, so I can't really say much about the structure, but I can honestly say this is a very beautiful piece of poetry. I love the way you just capture the scenes, it's something I really want to learn to do well, except I'm making it hard on myself as I want to put it to music =].

"As it came into being
so did it come out,
leaving behind memories
that would all be talked about."

I think that's the only stanza I didn't like. I don't know why, maybe it's just personal preference but I think it doesn't go with the rest of the poem, and doesn't really finish it off. I like the poem much better if you just take that part out and don't replace it.

Crit mine? It's my first piece, please tell me truthfully what you think!
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=611051
#6
Miles to it's home. - I think it's should be changed to "its"....right? Or maybe not. Gah.

Beautiful piece. I'm absolutely in love with this.
Like this should go in a tutorial of "changing structure to change pieces".

The sunshine scattering scarcely
In between the leaves
It was flooding the forest
With a short lived warmth.

The above stanza (verse) is the only one that I'm not in love with. The last line kinda cuts into the flow. I think something in regards to "allowing the undergrowth to breathe" would be better. Something that rhymes with leaves would add to the piece.

I honestly can't find much wrong with it that could be changed to make the piece better.
Great job.
#7
Quote by rockinlespaul
Miles to it's home. - I think it's should be changed to "its"....right? Or maybe not. Gah.

Beautiful piece. I'm absolutely in love with this.
Like this should go in a tutorial of "changing structure to change pieces".

The sunshine scattering scarcely
In between the leaves
It was flooding the forest
With a short lived warmth.

The above stanza (verse) is the only one that I'm not in love with. The last line kinda cuts into the flow. I think something in regards to "allowing the undergrowth to breathe" would be better. Something that rhymes with leaves would add to the piece.

I honestly can't find much wrong with it that could be changed to make the piece better.
Great job.


I understand what you mean, but your replacement would change the meaning.
The sunshine is filling the forest with warmth, but the warmth will only be felt for a short time, because the tree that the forest creatures all know and love is dying.