#1
Hey all, this is my first post in this forum, and htis is the only piece at the moment I'm feeling confident about. It is in a sort of grunge-influenced alternative rock style. I've now included a chorus, any suggestions welcome =]. C4C!

Verse One:
I can hardly think at all, or barely even speak
I've created an internal wall, though blood begins to leak
I've torn myself apart before, too many times to know
That I can't change the past at all, no, I can't change the past at all...

Chorus:
Don't you screaaaaam, At meeeeee
It won't change, anything
It's been so looooonng, For meeeeee
Since I've seen, Anything (real)
(so) Help meeeeeee, Fuel Meeeeee
And maybe, I can be real....
Help me, Fuel me
And maybe I can be real....

Verse Two:
Violence is my only call, though I'm becoming weak
Driving me out of control, fueled by what I seek
Please don't go and scream no more, you it won't change a thing
'Cause I can't change the past at all, no one can change the past at all...

Chorus

Some sort of bridge....

Chorus
Last edited by michal23 at Jun 21, 2007,
#2
I like the idea, but the flow seems almost forced in some parts. I think you should re-word the second line but I love the idea behind it, definitely keep the same idea. And I like how you connected the last lines of both verses, it really brings it together. Good job I'd like to see any revisions later.
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#3
Verse One:
I can hardly think at all, or barely even speak
I've created an internal wall, though blood begins to leak
I've torn myself apart before, too many times to know
That I can't change the past at all, no, I can't change the past at all...

I really like line 2, however maybe you should add the word which between 'through' and 'blood'. I think the second half of line 4 should be cut, that part just doesn't flow for me.

Verse Two:
Violence is my only call, though I'm becoming weak
Driving me out of control, fueled by what I need
Please don't go and scream no more, you it won't change a thing
'Cause I can't change the past at all, no one can change the past at all...

Maybe consider changing line 3 to say 'Please cease your efforts to scream'. Again, I don't really feel the second half, however I think if you put a chorus in there, this song would be pretty good. And thanks for critting my piece
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#4
I agree with Teh1337. For some reason I think a more upbeat chorus would suit it, but I could be stupid.
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#5
very good, some of it is a lil forced, but not to bad, i do agree it needs a chorus, but it doesnt have to be upbeat, that would kinda seem outta place, but anyways just revise it and fix the mistakes so it can flow good, and it should be pretty good song, keep it up, sry if this isnt much of a crit, could u crit mine please https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=611103
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#6
The first verse flows well for the most part. Might wanna clean that up a bit though. And at first I thought the last word in the last line of the first chorus should rhyme with know or before but I see it's used twice and it works on both verses. So I have no problem with that. For the chorus, I was thinking of "My Violent Heart" by Nine Inch Nails. You do a poweful pick-up with "Don't you scream" then the chorus begins and you finish it with "at me". I think that would work well. The only real gripe I have is the third line in the second verse. Is that a typo? If not, that doesn't flow very well and doesn't make much sense. Other than that, good job. I'd like to see where this goes.
#7
^ The line you are referring to is probably 'you it won't change a thing'

It should in fact be 'you know it won't change a thing'
I've now written a chorus, i'll edit the first post and add it in!
#8
Hmmm...maybe the second line of verse 2 should be

"Driving me out of control, fueled by what i seek
#9
Quote by guitarist10
Hmmm...maybe the second line of verse 2 should be

"Driving me out of control, fueled by what i seek



Dude that's awesome! Thanx loads!