#1
i'm back. felt like writing. pleez crit.


Verse 1
Sitting in the Ivory Tower,
They watch the ghosts play.
The halls that echo the portrait of a fading sun,
Depict the shadow of a man dressed in gray.

Chorus
Opaque, we are the eyes under the veil.
Waiting for the sun to finnaly dissapear.
Opaque, we are the eyes of the dead,
Searching for someone to bring forth the end.

Verse 2
Playing in the Valley of Tears,
We envy the light of day.
The cliffs that echo the laughter of a fading son,
Depict the tradgedy of a woman dressed in pain.

Chorus
Opaque, we are the eyes under the veil.
Waiting for the sun to finnaly dissapear.
Opaque, we are the eyes of the dead,
Searching for someone to bring forth the end.

Bridge
Surviving the chaos by turning to glass,
the ghost we're afraid of is the ghost of our past.

Chorus
Opaque, we are the eyes under the veil.
Waiting for the sun to finnaly dissapear.
Opaque, we are the eyes of the dead,
Searching for someone to bring forth the end.

Guitar Solo

Outro

End
#2
wow i love it, kinda dark, u have very good song structure, i love both the verses especially this part The halls that echo the portrait of a fading sun, and The cliffs that echo the laughter of a fading son, i love how there almost the same line but telling something totally different. keep it up, sry if this isnt much of a crit, it u want could u crit mine https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=611103
My Music
http://www.myspace.com/theocifers
GUITARS:
Gibson ES-335
Gretsch Pro Jet
Guild Acoustic
1958 Harmony Hollowbody Archtop
AMPS & EFFECTS:
Vox Valvetronix AD50VT
Vox V847A Wah Pedal
Electro-Harmonix USA Big Muff
Danelectro Daddy-O
Last edited by TeXaS_db at Jun 21, 2007,
#3
I made some alterations in some spots to try to help make it sound a bit better, the additions are in italics, words that I think can be removed are underlined.
I also corrected the spelling, if that's alright.

Verse 1
Sitting in the Ivory Tower,
They watch the ghosts at play.
The halls that echo the portrait of a fading sun,
Depicting the shadow of a man dressed in gray.

I like this first stanza overall, I think it is a pretty interesting introduction.

Chorus
Opaque, we are the eyes under the veil.
Waiting for the sun to finally disappear.
Opaque, we are the eyes of the dead,
Searching for someone to bring forth the end.

Alright, the chorus is fine, except the last line throws off the flow of the song. Try using different words to alter how the last line sounds. For example, "Searching for a way to bring about the end" Unless you need it to be someone.

Verse 2
Playing in the Valley of Tears,
We envy the light of day.
The cliffs that echo the laughter of a fading son,
Depicting the tragedy of a woman dressed in pain.

Other than what I added/removed, it seems fine.

Bridge
Surviving the chaos by turning to glass,
the ghost we're afraid of is the ghost of our past.
This is my favorite part of the song, no correction.



If you can, can you crit my song?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=611036