#1
a plaid-faced man picks up Picasso's blue guitar and strums for loose change in the white-knuckle night
Sinatra's ghost spits whiskey from the streetcorner, his countenance crooning consonance with the eager wail of passing cars headed south of the border
the unsteady footsteps of an old lush tap flamenco through a passing breeze which whips between the brownstones like a hatful of hate
the train screams to us for freedom and echos off the road, howling 'lifes nothing but a burden and death's a heavy load"
twenty thousand radios crackle in empty bedrooms, hacking a bleary-eyed chorus through dusty cancerous lungs
the lush takes a halfhearted bow and claims his throne in his castle of cardboard and rye, the prince pariah, the crowned king of cum and filth
he lets his head rest upon a pillow of Ballantine and wasted youth and through his courtroom echo the stuttered shouts and heavy sobs of the concrete jungle


wrote this kinda late at night, and its free verse.
lemme know what you think, either crits or out-of-10s

thanks
~b
Last edited by ChordMonger at Jun 23, 2007,
#2
This is pretty good. I love the way it flows especially. It's so scattered purposely but it all ties together and reads beautifully. My favorite line is definitely "The train screams to us for freedom and echoes off the road, howling 'life's nothing but a burden and death's a heavy load", it's so resonant. Really good job, I'd be proud.
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#3
You create incredible imagery. I like that you have internal rhymes (White-knuckle night) and alliterations (countenance crooning consonance) in there. It makes for more a rewarding read. I also like the mentioning of Sinatra and Picaso and the many metaphors scattered througout. This is a great piece and I'm eager to see where you take this. Message me when you add more to it.
#4
Dude nice job keep working on it and I'm sure it'll turn out ****ing rad. thanx for critting mine. peace out
With an irresistible blend of reggae induced hip-hop and catchy pop-punk hooks, Half Chance Heroes captivates audiences with their unique sound and energetic stage show. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8bSU0u8uvM
#5
I like it, but at times it seems you're trying to hard, especially in terms of the alliteration.

I love alliteration but in moderation.

By all means this was still an interesting read.
#6
Quote by ChordMonger
a plaid-faced man picks up Picasso's blue guitar and strums for loose change in the white-knuckle night
I love this. It's a great first line and I like the imageryl.
Sinatra's ghost spits whiskey from the streetcorner, his countenance crooning consonance with the eager wail of passing cars headed south of the border
Again, good imagery. I love the rhyme.
the unsteady footsteps of an old lush tap flamenco through a passing breeze which whips between the brownstones like a hatful of hate
the train screams to us for freedom and echos off the road, howling 'life's nothing but a burden and death's a heavy load"
This part was good, but the last part seemed a little cliche.
twenty thousand radios crackle in empty bedrooms, hacking a bleary-eyed chorus through dusty cancerous lungs
the lush takes a halfhearted bow and claims his throne in his castle of cardboard and rye, the prince pariah, the crowned king of cum and filth
he lets his head rest upon a pillow of Ballantine and wasted youth and through his courtroom echo the stuttered shouts and heavy sobs of the concrete jungle

Over all, it was good. It could use a little work, but I'm sure it'll turn into something wonderful .

~b


Oh yeah, thanks for critting mine .
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#7
Quote by bowl of oranges
I like it, but at times it seems you're trying to hard, especially in terms of the alliteration.

I love alliteration but in moderation.

By all means this was still an interesting read.


thanks man. i never really noticed that before, but its usually easier to crit other peoples stuff, aye?

revision 2 is in the works, all comments in consideration
#8
Quote by ChordMonger

he lets his head rest upon a pillow of Ballantine and wasted youth and through his courtroom echo the stuttered shouts and heavy sobs of the concrete jungle



this is my fav part.
i may be new to songwriting, but i know a good song when i hear it. well done. 8/10
#9
twenty thousand radios crackle in empty bedrooms, hacking a bleary-eyed chorus through dusty cancerous lungs
this is a great line nicely done theres nothing much i would change i really like the metaphors used i hope to see a revision soon 8/10 and thanks for the crit
ED REED BABY
#10
This is great! The imagery and flow are just amazing... I wish there was more of this kind of thing on UG.
#12
Quote by ChordMonger
the train screams to us for freedom and echos off the road, howling 'lifes nothing but a burden and death's a heavy load"


that part is definitely my favorite
amazing job dude, i love the imagery of this. I can picture the whole scene in my head as i read it...I'd be very intrigued to hear the music for it...do you happen to have any recorded?

8.5/10
#13
Quote by bowl of oranges
I like it, but at times it seems you're trying to hard, especially in terms of the alliteration.

I think this is important. Lyrics, in my opinion, aren't supposed to be completely literary. Alliteration, metaphor, and descriptive language are all nice and good additions to lyrics -- and you are very good at imagery -- but this reads more like a poem than lyrics to a song. For that purpose I think this set of lyrics/verses doesn't necessarily apply to this forum, unless you are going to put music to this and see how it sounds. But, like bowl of oranges said, I think it is forced for lyrics. Maybe the genre I'm anticipating -- rock (hard or soft) or indie? -- isn't what you're planning, but I tend to like the song to split be split emotionally between the lyrics and singer's tone, etc.
Last edited by MinusObsession at Aug 8, 2007,
#14
That is absolutely superb. You're obviously very talented at english using numerous methods. the alliteration is skillful and you've managed to achieve a nice flow as well as capture the feel of your subject.
When i read it i ended up thinking of Counting crows, i'm not sure why, but i was wondering if they influence you?
Anyway, great job, i would give it 9 out of 10. Well done
#15
Don't listen to the guy who said you tried to hard with the alliteration. You did it effectively. I enjoyed this piece a lot.


Playing guitar is NOT a sport.

Let the RABBITS wear GLASSES
]
#16
but this reads more like a poem than lyrics to a song.


i described it as 'free verse' which is a type of poetry, so yes, it is not a song. i originally posted this in the pit and had the thread closed on a count of 'wrong forum' and was redirected here. sadly caught between a rock and a hard place i suppose.

to 100%: no sir, i dont listen to counting crows, though im open to anything. pm me if you wouldnt mind hooking me up with some.
#17
This is really quite good. I like the way it unintentionally flows.

Oh, and could you crit mine? First page, Ideals. Sarcasm. Irony.

Thanks
#18
this is seroiusly awesome. I really love everything about it and the images it puts in my head. It kind of reminds me of walking through the streets of new orleans but in a very tim burtony kind of way. Its incredibly dark but still beautifully like a dream or a nightmare. It feels like your senses are hightened when you read it. My only suggestion would be in this line- "the unsteady footsteps of an old lush tap flamenco through a passing breeze which whips between the brownstones like a hatful of hate" when you say passing breeze which whips between, maybe change it to passing breeze whipping between.. it seems less like youre explaining it and more like were just seeing it. Thats really just an un needed suggestion because this is really awesome.
#19
You're a very talented writer.

I did have a few problems with this. Sometimes I get the feeling, as the reader, that you're trying too hard with the alliteration. I think a good piece of writing never seems desperate, and this did at times. Paticularly "countenance crooning consonance" which seemed forced (don't get me wrong, it's a lovely phrase, but when it takes away from the piece as a whole it has to go, I think). It seems very over-the-top in a kind of Beatesque or even Dylanesque style but that's what makes it attractive as a piece, so I would ignore whoever claimed that parts were cliche. This is far from cliche.

the train screams to us for freedom and echos off the road, howling 'lifes nothing but a burden and death's a heavy load"

That's a gem of a line.

Concerning other peoples comments about this not belonging here, this is exactly where it belongs. Almost all of the regulars on this forum are more inclined to posting poetry and it is entirely welcome. I'm surprised that I haven't noticed you here before because this is one of the best pieces I've read in a while. You should post stuff up more man - when you have a new piece up drop me a PM or a comment on my profile, i'd very much like to read it.

Also, step into the S+L Community Thread more often, you can get to know the regulars around here (we're lucky to have some tremendously talented writers around).
#20
for all interested, i just put up another poem called What a Wonderful Life which i feel is stylistically more akin to this than to some of the more song-intended lyrics ive been putting up. since this one seemed to be fairly well received, ide really appreciate some crits on the new one. c4c as always
~b