#1
So, I just really wanted to see what people would think about it.
I havent finished it yet
I changed it just a little bit.

Unknown feelings felt before stare at the way the moon lights the shore
Shaken, stirred, tired in the break, it all faints down again
Looking forward for another night, drowning in endless thoughts
Dancing around until the sand builds up in my eyes
In the end to realize the heart just breaks down

Something so small bursts, forgotten the promises again heard
Once the presence comes near a jewel drops a tear
Driving insane, being so long
Hours pass by in the loneliness of the end
After weeks of bleeding the same regrets

Unknown to the feelings felt before, once again lit by the sun
I hope it's not that difficult, can you feel this love?
I know it could be so different from what it has become
A small chance could be just enough
It will all be like never before

Certain knowledge eats away at my soul
The presence a heart devours, being unshattered
Much more underneath, an oath, a life keeps a promise
Burying what you always knew, becoming an endless hole

As these flames touch the skin, fault the sky with a breath
The son of the pain goes through suffering
Hours pass by feeling neverending
So much love and here I think, lying again

Enjoy, please, constructive comments
"you painted over it and drew it out for us to see, and after all this time you tell me that the reason that we came wasnt true and it was just a game"
Last edited by shadowspec at Jul 10, 2007,
#2
So Many Posts!!!
"you painted over it and drew it out for us to see, and after all this time you tell me that the reason that we came wasnt true and it was just a game"
#3
Quote by shadowspec
So, I just really wanted to see what people would think about it.
I havent finished it yet

Unknown to the feelings felt before by the way the moon lights the shore
Shaken, stirred, tired in the break, faints down again
Looking forward for another night of endless thoughts
Dancing around until the sand builds up in my eyes
In the end to realize the heart just breaks down

I think the first line is a little long, and could actually be divided to 2 lines so it flows better.
To be honest the whole "moon light dance" theme is kinda getting old(as soon as i read the first line i knew the word dance will show up somewhere in the next few lines) but, it really works nicely here.


Something so small bursts, forgotten the promises once heard
Once the presence comes near a jewel drops a tear
Driving insane, being so long
Hours pass by in the loneliness of the end
After weeks not feeling the same regrets

This is an okay verse, the last line could use some work though.


Unknown to the feelings felt before, once again lit by the sun
I hope it's not that difficult, can you feel this love?
I know it could be so different from what it has become
A small chance could be just enough
It will all be like never before

Certain knowledge eats away at my soul
The presence a heart devours, being unshatered
Much more underneath, an oath, a life keeps a promise
Burying what you always knew, becoming an endless hole

im not sure unshatered is a word :P, other than that its my favorite verse

As these flames touch the skin, fault the sky with a breath
The son of the pain goes thru suffering
Hours pass by feeling neverending
So much love and here I think, lying again

hmm, not really sure about the ending, i guess you need to work on it more


Enjoy, please, constructive comments



I like the idea of this song but, your ideas seem a little disorganized at some parts. It also has some flow problems (or maybe thats just me), i suggest you to work on it some more to make your point clearer to the listener, keep it simple!

Also can you crit my song animated perspective when you have time? i would really appreciate it
#4
Thnx a lot, I still havent really finished it yet
"you painted over it and drew it out for us to see, and after all this time you tell me that the reason that we came wasnt true and it was just a game"
#5
Unknown to the feelings felt before, once again lit by the sun
I hope it's not that difficult, can you feel this love?
I know it could be so different from what it has become
A small chance could be just enough
It will all be like never before

Touching verse.

I agree with cubs about everything really. 'unshatered' needs an extra t, and 'thru????????'
don't abbreviate like that in songs, it takes away all seriousness, and meaning.

But good work.

Wanna crit mine? in my sig.

Just watch spelling,
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.