#1
I'm open to suggestions, soooo plleeeeeeeeaaaase crit

Verse
Looking for a new way out
as I walk among the pessimists
that fill me with doubt
and drain me of my dignity
Searching for an answer
as to why I am stuck here
but only to find more questions
as to what I really fear

Chorus
Unfair admendments
made in an indignant state of mind
infatuating media
that always leaves its mark

Verse
Fluctuating ideals
that always seem
to contradict themselves
and benefits always
vanish in the haze
before it ever
comes our way


Chorus repeats

Bridge
With the need
to become superior
to each other
doesn't get us
any farther

Chorus repeats

Bridge is sung by Lead vocals while chorus is sung by other vocals at same time

Ending Verse
And while we sit in our cars
wondering wat it'd be like
to have everything we've ever wanted
we could have it all
if we rid ourselves of the power
and just stop with all the currency...
sounds good to me...
My guitars:

Ibanez RG5EX1
Eleca Dread Acoustic
Dean ML

My FX: Line 6 Floor POD Plus

In the end, fact means nothing,
its all about perspective
#2
Well, I'm not entirely sure how exactly to critique this, as I have never written anything political, nor do I usually agree with political lyrics.

Um, I sort of think it is ironic that you say in this song that you walk among pessimists when this song looks pessimistic at first glance.

Now, I think this can be a good piece, but you need to rethink what vocabulary you wish to use in order to make it flow better.
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#3
actually, if u read the next 2 lines AFTER "as I walk among the pessimists", u will see "as I walk among the pessimists
that fill me with doubt
and drain me of my dignity" this meaning pessimism is (for lack of a better word) contagious, when really there would be no reason for such dark veiws if there wasn't any money, in other words, communism would take place in America (along with everybody else in the world) and the fact that u absolutely NEED money too survive in this country, factoring in that getting money requires a job, (which is also kinda hard to get, especially a high paying job) is wat makes some pessimists...pessimists, which is wat I was trying to get across
My guitars:

Ibanez RG5EX1
Eleca Dread Acoustic
Dean ML

My FX: Line 6 Floor POD Plus

In the end, fact means nothing,
its all about perspective
Last edited by hobozach at Jun 22, 2007,
#4
Dude nice job It definetly sounds like Bad religioun or pennywise and there lots good words in this song not generic at all 9/10. Could you crit mine? ''Streets of damnation''
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#5
Quote by hobozach
I'm open to suggestions, soooo plleeeeeeeeaaaase crit

Verse
Looking for a new way out
as I walk among the pessimists
that fill me with doubt
and drain me of my dignity
Searching for an answer
as to why I am stuck here
but only to find more questions
as to what I really fear

Excellent. Really well done. Reminds me of Bad Religion. You've certainly got that flair going.

Chorus
Unfair admendments
made in an indignant state of mind
infatuating media
that always leaves its mark

Eh, kinda weak compared to your first verse, especially for a chorus.

Verse
Fluctuating ideals
that always seem
to contradict themselves
and benefits always
vanish in the haze
before it ever
comes our way

The flow's kinda freaky here.

Chorus repeats

Bridge
With the need
to become superior
to each other
doesn't get us
any farther

It doesn't get us. Also choppy flow.

Chorus repeats

Bridge is sung by Lead vocals while chorus is sung by other vocals at same time

Ending Verse
And while we sit in our cars
wondering wat it'd be like
to have everything we've ever wanted
we could have it all
if we rid ourselves of the power
and just stop with all the currency...
sounds good to me...

Great, but your ending should be every bit as spectacular as your beginning.


Love, peace, and hippies.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
#6
I like the first verse, but I think the second one kinda messed up the flow. It was a little choppy. Other then that it was pretty good.
#8
this was ok, im not big into political pieces, but this wasnt that bad, the second verse seemed to gleam from the point, and there were some places that didnt flow very good, but not bad, good song structure. could u crit mine http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=611103
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#9
"Fluctuating ideals
are at least consistent
In contradicting themselves
With their benefits
vanishing in the haze
before they ever
come our way. "

I made a few tweaks to the second verse 'cause that's what I felt needed the most help. Anyways, ht biggest problem with this piece was the flow. It might work when it is sung, but on paper it reads kind of awkwardly. Anyways this is still a decent piece and I appreciate the crit you gave me.
#10
Fluctuating ideals
that always seem
to contradict
And benefits that always
vanish in the haze
before they ever
come our way
--------
Our need
to become superior
In the end
doesn't get us
any farther


I tweaked that a little bit, I think it sounds better

The rest is pretty good, I'm not usually a fan of political pieces, but this one is a little unique atleast. Nice song. Its got a good flow to it, and even though it lacks perfect rhymes throughout, the sound is still close enough where it doesn't detract from the piece. Keep 'em coming
#11
thanx guys for the crits, these help alot
My guitars:

Ibanez RG5EX1
Eleca Dread Acoustic
Dean ML

My FX: Line 6 Floor POD Plus

In the end, fact means nothing,
its all about perspective
#12
Hey man, I'm not going to give you a line by line, simply because it's difficult for me to do with this type of lyric.

I'm really not sure you know exactly what you are rebelling against, and the lyrics really show that. All I can see is anger and confusion, which are powerful emotions. I understand where you are coming from with these lyrics my friend, so don't think I am being harsh. My suggestion would be to try and dig through your emotions and organize exactly what you want to depict to your listener. I think if you do that, a mature, educated audience is bound to follow.

Good luck :]

-Jacob
#13
Quote by clichealias
Hey man, I'm not going to give you a line by line, simply because it's difficult for me to do with this type of lyric.

I'm really not sure you know exactly what you are rebelling against, and the lyrics really show that. All I can see is anger and confusion, which are powerful emotions. I understand where you are coming from with these lyrics my friend, so don't think I am being harsh. My suggestion would be to try and dig through your emotions and organize exactly what you want to depict to your listener. I think if you do that, a mature, educated audience is bound to follow.

Good luck :]

-Jacob


Took the words right out of my mouth. Sorry I can't come up with anything better, but he just put it perfectly. And thanks for critting mine.
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#14
I like it It's good in a rock - punk kind of way.
I just raise a question about what you're rebellin about. If it is a punk song, keep in mind
that most punk songs have one society related problem through the song. Mainly war.
Great potential If you want to write punk, you got the skills. But keep in mind of
a problem that you would write a song about.
#15
some parts werent fluent but i got your feeling across, so it could use some work but its good.
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#16
I think it takes nuts to write a political song firstly because words like "ammendments" never sit quite right in lyrics, and secondly, it is very difficult to do it without sounding either pious or flaky. I think that you are erring slightly on the side of flaky with this. Maybe me being dim but I couldn't quite work out what you are trying to say. Some things that you are saying a verging on communistic anarchy whereas others are more Lennon-istic (if that is a word) utopiansim. That said I do really like some parts, the bridge is very simplistic but cleverly written and a nice idea. Also I really like the flow of the first verse. In my head it sounded like you sing line 1 seperately, line 2 seperately and line 3 and 4 run into each other? Overall nice idea and some excellent writing, but maybe some tweaking, you could try using more metaphorical language instead of being quite so literal? Just a thought though...

Please can you crit mine, "I'm made of asbestos" Thanks!
#17
At first i was kind of goin with the whole communism idea, but as The_Badger said, it did get a bit Lennon-istic, this happens a lot with me, I start with one idea in mind and it kind of...migrates in other directions, confusing not only u peoples but myself as well. I reeeeaaally appreciate ur crits guys, and as for DJrat - Pabst, yes this was a punk-rock song, most of my work is, but again, I kno it was confusing, and I'll gets a steppin' on rewriting it, thanx for the crits!
My guitars:

Ibanez RG5EX1
Eleca Dread Acoustic
Dean ML

My FX: Line 6 Floor POD Plus

In the end, fact means nothing,
its all about perspective