#1
I wrote this mainly about this horrible girl I know who takes love and meaning like it's not important... I'm sure you all know someone like that. It's in the kind of soft-rock genre, like Editors, Travis, Snow Patrol etc.

Anyway, criticise

SLOW

[Verse]
Recognise my face and a hundred around you
I want to help you and they do too
Recognise my voice; It's my way of telling you
I'm trying to help you

[Verse]
I know it's not up to me to say
How to live your life but
It's clear to me; Anyone can see
You're living your life in reverse
You're less innocent before
You've never been in love

[Chorus]
So slow; Take it slow
Don't rush to find someone who doesn't want you
Slow; Slow
Don't rush to find someone who will not love you

[Verse]
I don't know if it's the ecstacy
God knows I wish I knew
You're acting high again
I don't know but maybe take away the ecstacy
Take away your crown
I'm only trying to help you

[Chorus]
Take it slow; Take it slow
Don't rush to find someone who doesn't want you
Slow; Slow
Don't rush to find someone who will not love you
Slow; Slow
Don't rush to find someone who doesn't want you
Slow; Slow
Or you might never fall in love
Quote by Paul Lambeth

Is it lame to quote yourself in your sig?
Last edited by Paul Lambeth at Jun 22, 2007,
#2
Quote by Paul Lambeth
I wrote this mainly about this horrible girl I know who takes love and meaning like it's not important... I'm sure you all know someone like that. It's in the kind of soft-rock genre, like Editors, Travis, Snow Patrol etc.

Anyway, criticise

SLOW

[Verse]
Recognise my face and a hundred around you
I want to help you and they do too
Recognise my voice; It's my way of telling you
I'm trying to help you

I'm not too keen on the whole rhyme scheme. The last line is also choppy to the overall flow.

[Verse]
I know it's not up to me to say
How to live your life but
It's clear to me; Anyone can see
You're living your life in reverse
You're less innocent before
You've never been in love

A good "and" in front of a few verses helps to get rid of the monotony of "You're", unless monotony was your intent.

[Chorus]
So slow; Take it slow
Don't rush to find someone who doesn't want you
Slow; Slow
Don't rush to find someone who will not love you

I like how it repeats. Gets the message across.

[Verse]
I don't know if it's the ecstacy
God knows I wish I knew
You're acting high again
I don't know but maybe take away the ecstacy
Take away your crown
I'm only trying to help you

The last line doesn't really fit in.

[Chorus]
Take it slow; Take it slow
Don't rush to find someone who doesn't want you
Slow; Slow
Don't rush to find someone who will not love you
Slow; Slow
Don't rush to find someone who doesn't want you
Slow; Slow
Or you might never fall in love



I like the idea overall. Some of the writing's not as polished as maybe some people would like, but I think the roughness works well with the theme.

Peace, love, and hippies.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
#3
The flow is amazing in this song, and I love it. There is one part where the flow is a tad bit choppy, but that isn't nearly enough to take the awesomenessnessness....ness away from this song. I am looking forward to see more lyrics of urs, keep it up!

please crit mine
An American problem
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=612417
My guitars:

Ibanez RG5EX1
Eleca Dread Acoustic
Dean ML

My FX: Line 6 Floor POD Plus

In the end, fact means nothing,
its all about perspective
#4
I would say the rhythm or flow is my main downfall. I really haven't changed that song much since I wrote and developed a few ideas and put it together into a song... I'll try and make it work more with rhythm That last line "you" is continued to the end of the verse.

Monotony wasn't my intent, I actually removed "and" once but I might add it in again, I dunno. I'll look into that... maybe deleting the "You're" a couple of times.
Quote by Paul Lambeth

Is it lame to quote yourself in your sig?