#1
So I wrote this like couple hours ago. It's about a kid, who's got abusive parents, and they keep him alive, just so they can keep beating him.

Intro

Verse 1:

His misfortune
Leaves him crying
Every second
To heaven he's flying
As he gets closer
To the silence
He remembers
All the violence

Chorus:

Becoming an angel
Go to the beyond
Asking for comfort
With no respond
A deserted soul

Verse 2:

He was always
Living in grief
Looking for that
Pain relief
Now it's come
For him to leave
But thinking it's over
He's so naive

Chorus:

Becoming an angel
Go to the beyond
Asking for comfort
With no respond
A deserted soul

Verse 3:

They help him
At the last flash
They just wanna
Treat'em like trash
They keep him alive
For one deduction
To make him
There own destruction

Chorus:

Becoming an angel
Go to the beyond
Asking for comfort
With no respond
A deserted soul

Fades out
#2
It's okay. I think you could definitely do a lot more with this. I've said this a lot, but try describing instead of explaining your ideas/feelings. That way you come up with a lot of imagery surrounding your central idea. You seem to have big things planned for this and a little imagery and colour could do a lot for this piece.

Crit mine?

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=612788
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do