#1
Crit for crit. Leave me a link and I'll get back to you asap.
___________________________________________________________

Shadows of banisters on staircase walls
And whispers of love in late night calls
The breeze of what must be something more
And the fog of closure on childhood lore

The craze, the laze and the summer haze
She's slowly falling out of pace
She's sinking to that familiar place
Where the bars of confusion provide an escape

The still, silent plea of a pair of doe's eyes
And the promise of solace under sweet lies
The smoke weaves it's sigils and reels her in
It charms her way for her to the end

And now in the writing of a shaking hand,
Is the only hint of a well laid plan:
The detailed record of this experiment
Exit: Alice from Wonderland.
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
Last edited by hideaway at Jun 26, 2007,
#4
^ Will do . Thanks loads. Any more?
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#7
I have not the slightest clue y, and I kno this may make absolutely NO sense at all, but it reminded me of Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven"...maybe cuz of the rhyme scheme, but w/e, the point is I liked it, it seems a bit old skool, but thats ok, its got good flow, I like the words u used, and especially at the end "Exit: Alice from Wonderland"

crit 4 crit
An American Problem
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=612417
My guitars:

Ibanez RG5EX1
Eleca Dread Acoustic
Dean ML

My FX: Line 6 Floor POD Plus

In the end, fact means nothing,
its all about perspective
#9
Quote by hideaway

Shadows of banisters on staircase walls
And whispers of love in late night calls
The breeze of what must be something more
And the fog of closure on childhood lore
****ing great first stanza, nice rhyme sceme

The craze, the laze and the summer haze
She's slowly falling out of pace
She'sinking to that familliar place
Where the bars of confusion provide an escape
i like the use of internal rhyme, but 'the laze' just struck me as dumb. also 'the bars of confusion provide an escape' also seemed not to work well, since the poem is somewhat vague, im not entirely sure what this person would be escaping from

The still, silent plea of a pair of doe's eyes
And the promise of solace under sweet lies
The smoke weaves it's sigils and reels her in
It charms her way for her to the end
totally solid. this needs no revision whatsoever

And now with the handwriting of a shaking hand
Is the only hint of a well played plan
The detailed record of this experiment
exit: alice in wonderland
nice shout to alice, but 'handwriting of a shaking hand' could use some help. i like the imagery of something scrawled out messily, but it could use a rephrase



crit mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=9662948#post9662948
#11
Thanks a lot everyone.

As to the last paragraph: IT'S FULL OF BLOODY TYPOS.

I'll edit and get back to you all asap. It's like 1am here and I'm almost falling asleep on the keyboard :P.
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#12
Quote by xburnitdownx
better than 100% of what i read on here. well done


Oh, you are so sigged, my friend.
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#14
ah.....Man dude i think that these piece was really good you did a great job but to me am just bored of seeing these kinds of poems it really is getting over-rated but i'm not taking anything away from your song cause it is top A but the idea is alittle runned out to me rememeber this is only me not everyone but anyways good job
#15
Haha. Thanks anyway. Returning crits right now.

Oh yeah: I'M A GIRL.
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#16
Edited
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#17
That would go good with some dark/rustic acoustic stuff....the way I see it at least. Well done!
METAL, LIVE IT, LOVE IT
"Whatever music is to you, folk, ska, stupid, contemporary whatever...Whatever it is to you, that's what it is. To us, it's life...."-Dave "Stage "Williams
#19
Haha. I just got tired of everyone calling me "man".
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#20
Quote by hideaway
Crit for crit. Leave me a link and I'll get back to you asap.
___________________________________________________________

Shadows of banisters on staircase walls
And whispers of love in late night calls
The breeze of what must be something more
And the fog of closure on childhood lore
This was great. Love the use of lore, haven't heard it for a while and it's a word that needs to come back. Good opener.

The craze, the laze and the summer haze
She's slowly falling out of pace
She'sinking to that familliar place
Where the bars of confusion provide an escape
Watch your spelling on L3. This was less pleasing than the last stanza, the lines are more irregular and the rhyming I wasn't a fan of in this verse either.

The still, silent plea of a pair of doe's eyes
And the promise of solace under sweet lies
The smoke weaves it's sigils and reels her in
It charms her way for her to the end
Love the first two lines.

And now in the writing of a shaking hand,
Is the only hint of a well laid plan:
The detailed record of this experiment
Exit: Alice from Wonderland.
Good end.


Sorry for the poor critique. This was good, and I had no major complaint against it.
#21
Thanks a lot . I thought I fixed that spelling. I'll get to it asap. Again, thanks. Anyone else?
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#22
Spelling fixed
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#23
Love the second and last stanza. Although, I'd say something like 'the bars bend for your escape'. Not only would line sound cooler, but it flows better now too. Wether they confuse or not, it probably isn't necessary to mention. But that's just me.

crit? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=614857
Run!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Simply, the world was too small for a man of his ambition.
Quote by ifeastonbums
GuitarSymphony you are my hero!
#24
Thanks a lot. Crit returned .
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#25
Quote by hideaway
Thanks a lot. Crit returned .


ummm,
where?
Run!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Simply, the world was too small for a man of his ambition.
Quote by ifeastonbums
GuitarSymphony you are my hero!
#26
There :P. Sorry the browser was being stupid.
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do