#1
I can't decide whether to leave this as a poem, or as an upbeat jazz song, which when I read it, it sometimes reminds me of. It's semi OTS, I did it day before yesterday and looked at it again today. It's quite awful to be honest, but I thought I might share see if you guys think of anything to make this decent. This was also a way to practice oxymorons...but I failed. C4C

Your World

In your world,
one and one is always seven,
but one from one is never nothing.
In your world,
love is hate.
Hate makes good loving.
In your world,
queers is just like straight.
Straight is never like crooked.
In your world,
you are something.
I am nothing.

In my world...

I once was something,
you made me nothing.
#2
Quote by confusius

Your World

In your world,
one and one is always seven,
but one from one is never nothing.
This seems like an attempt to be clever, but in the end I feel it just is a confusing opening that doesn't offer anything substantial. The opening of a piece is important, you have to give us something to keep us reading. Here I didn't feel anything gripped me, it was just.. meh. And the third line is awkwardly worded.
In your world,
love is hate.
Hate makes good loving.
Again, the second line is just what? It's a statement you've made here, yet it offers very little thought, apart from that of a violent relationship.
In your world,
This line isn't great to repeat, it's just rather bland.
queers is just like straight.
This was awkwardly worded and odd. Also, it doesn't really feel like it adds much meaning. The piece has jumped around too much and offered nothing concrete, so we can't really apply this line to the piece.
Straight is never like crooked.
Again, just meh imo.
In your world,
you are something.
I am nothing.

In my world...

I once was something,
you made me nothing.
This ending is kind of wishy-washy, forced poeticness imo. It's trying to sound philosophical and clever but kind of falls flat on it's feet, because it's not an original idea, and again, the ending doesn't connect to what should be a concrete underbelly of the piece, so it ties up all the losse ends. This ending doesn't answer any of the ideas from the earlier parts of th epoem, therefore makes them seem redundant.

It has to all connect. Each word has to mean something. It seems like none of the previous lines has anything to do with someone making you nothing. It just didn't add up in a way that it needed to to do the ending justice.


#5
If I were you, I'd just look at this as a rough draft. You've got some ideas here that are interesting...but the way you worded some of the stuff is just a little rough and really confusing in some part.

The last part, although cliche' is probably the best part right now, but I think that if you rebuild some of the lines, the rest of it could get ALOT better.

The queer/straight/crooked part is the only part that I would dump. It just doesn't add to anything. I would replace it with something.

I'm not sure what you have to change, but if you modified line three so it didn't sound so weird, it would be a pretty cool verse. I think what you might have to change is the "never nothing". It just seems a little unnatural.

With some work this could be pretty cool.