#1
I'd Be Gold

Stare into the silence
Of a bed-ridden relationship
The cockroach climbs the skirting
Crush it's head and it still lives
The sunshine through the window's waning
A curtain is pulled over the light
This jewel is degrading
It's losing all of it's shine

I'd be gold if I wasn't torn
I'd be on you if I wasn't worn
I'd be everything you admire
If only I could find the fire
I'd be gold if I wasn't rust
I'd be on you if you weren't a must
I'd be everything you desire
If only I could find the fire in us

Vader's standing in the corner
He's got a death grip on our necks
One misplaced comment
Snap goes our relationship
The sunshine through the window's waning
A curtain is pulled over the light
This jewel is degrading
It's losing all of it's shine

I'd be gold if I wasn't torn
I'd be on you if I wasn't worn
I'd be everything you admire
If only I could find the fire
I'd be gold if I wasn't rust
I'd be on you if you weren't a must
I'd be everything you desire
If only I could find the fire in us

The sunshine through the window's waning
A curtain is pulled over the light
This jewel is degrading
It's losing all of it's shine
Ooh ooh

I'd be gold if I wasn't torn
I'd be on you if I wasn't worn
I'd be everything you admire
If only I could find the fire
I'd be gold if I wasn't rust
I'd be on you if you weren't a must
I'd be everything you desire
If only I could find the fire in us
#2
Stare into the silence
Of a bed-ridden relationship
The cockroach climbs the skirting
Crush it's head and it still lives
The sunshine through the window's waning
A curtain is pulled over the light
This jewel is degrading
It's losing all of it's shine
I think it's intentional, but the lack of punctuation makes this a bit confusing. This was great apart from that. The imagery is just awesome

I'd be gold if I wasn't torn
I'd be on you if I wasn't worn
I'd be everything you admire
If only I could find the fire
I'd be gold if I wasn't rust
I'd be on you if you weren't a must
I'd be everything you desire
If only I could find the fire in us
Great, I love this parallelism, the rhyme scheme is also good

Vader's standing in the corner
He's got a death grip on our necks-----
One misplaced comment
Snap goes our relationship---------------
The sunshine through the window's waning
A curtain is pulled over the light
This jewel is degrading
It's losing all of it's shine
For some reason, I think it is the stress, relationship and neck just seem to rhyme without rhyming(yes that was an amateurs description). It fits perfectly

I'd be gold if I wasn't torn
I'd be on you if I wasn't worn
I'd be everything you admire
If only I could find the fire
I'd be gold if I wasn't rust
I'd be on you if you weren't a must
I'd be everything you desire
If only I could find the fire in us

The sunshine through the window's waning
A curtain is pulled over the light
This jewel is degrading
It's losing all of it's shine
Ooh ooh

I'd be gold if I wasn't torn
I'd be on you if I wasn't worn
I'd be everything you admire
If only I could find the fire
I'd be gold if I wasn't rust
I'd be on you if you weren't a must
I'd be everything you desire
If only I could find the fire in us

I liked this a lot, but the problem seems to be that you repeat too much. I know you are a great writer and really creative and this would be much better if you added some more different stanzas rather than repeating the other ones. Or else it just seems to be a bit boring. This was still awesome though. C4C: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=613072
#5
Well, this is a song, so punctuation and repeating of stanzas I don't really care about.

Mikesback - The melody in my head is there, if it weren't then I'd be worried. But yes, on paper and reading it out as it is here the verses don't flow too well.

Thanks.
#7
Great song I think. I like the flow, and you've developed some great imagery and with your word usage.

He's got a death grip on our necks-----
One misplaced comment
Snap goes our relationship
----I really really like this part. The correlation between "snap" and "neck" might or might not be intentional, but it really stands out to me. Kudos.

This jewel is degrading
It's losing all of it's shine

I thought the second line would be better if it was "Beginning to lose its shine"


Really nice piece. You should go about writing some music for it.

c4c: anything in my sig
#9
Have you recorded any of your songs?

anywho, I prefer the verses to the chorus, was planning on saying i couldn't find a tune, but now there seems to be one in my head. the chorus, hmm, seems a tad forced, but the verses...i like v much.

crappy comment but heyho.
#10
This is very good, very well written, there is nothing here for me to criticize, I like this alot, plan on me criting everything u write from here on out, cuz this is reeeeeeeaaally good

crit 4 crit
An American problem
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=612417
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In the end, fact means nothing,
its all about perspective
#11
The verses, as someone else also said, seem forced and also a little choppy. I chorus I thought had a very nice flow. 8/10
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My band
#12
I really liked this. It seems like these verses are very truthful to your life right now. I don't really know you. But, from what I read you are confused, searching for meaning, and feeling hopeless in life and relationships. This piece of writing really struck home for me. I(and I'm sure many others) can relate to your words and emotions.

One thing that I didn't really like lyrically was the -ust rhymes. I think you could have found something that rolls off of the tongue a little better.

-Jacob
#13
If I am honest with you - I see you taking huge steps forward with your poetry, but then when I comes to your songs you seem to be stumbling backwards. For me this was lacking, quite surprisingly in flow. I just can't fathom how the transition from Poetry to Song isn't working for you. It is reasonable to say that all songs are poems with music, so why do I feel so let down with all of your songs?
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#14
Quote by The Hurt Within
If I am honest with you - I see you taking huge steps forward with your poetry, but then when I comes to your songs you seem to be stumbling backwards. For me this was lacking, quite surprisingly in flow. I just can't fathom how the transition from Poetry to Song isn't working for you. It is reasonable to say that all songs are poems with music, so why do I feel so let down with all of your songs?


Because there's no music and you can't hear the melody in my head

And in poetry I am more conscious of the flow, meter, syllable count etc. I am completely capable of writing a song with good flow, I have shown that before, but generally in songwriting I write to the melody in my head.

Les Paul - I owe you x2 now. Thanks.

Calum - Great to see you man. Thanks.

Samoo- No I haven't. Work in progress

Jacob - Thanks man. Nice interpretation.

#15
Stare into the silence
Of a bed-ridden relationship
Excellent beginning.
The cockroach climbs the skirting
Crush it's head and it still lives
This part was a little awkward. Maybe it's just me (I hate cockroaches)
The sunshine through the window's waning
A curtain is pulled over the light
This jewel is degrading
It's losing all of it's shine
This part was okay. It's a little cliche, but I can't find any other faults in it.

I'd be gold if I wasn't torn
I'd be on you if I wasn't worn
I'd be everything you admire
If only I could find the fire
I'd be gold if I wasn't rust
I'd be on you if you weren't a must
I'd be everything you desire
If only I could find the fire in us
Everything here is really good until it reaches the last line. Everything in the verse seems to build up bigger and bigger then it ends on a cliche line and it just doesn't strike out enough.

Vader's standing in the corner
He's got a death grip on our necks
One misplaced comment
Snap goes our relationship
This part was pretty good, but I think the third line threw the flow off a little. Maybe if you switched the third and the fourth lines around somehow?
The sunshine through the window's waning
A curtain is pulled over the light
This jewel is degrading
It's losing all of it's shine
I didn't really like the repetition, I think you could've done a lot more with this verse.

I'd be gold if I wasn't torn
I'd be on you if I wasn't worn
I'd be everything you admire
If only I could find the fire
I'd be gold if I wasn't rust
I'd be on you if you weren't a must
I'd be everything you desire
If only I could find the fire in us

The sunshine through the window's waning
A curtain is pulled over the light
This jewel is degrading
It's losing all of it's shine
Ooh ooh
Again, the repetition is a little tiresome

I'd be gold if I wasn't torn
I'd be on you if I wasn't worn
I'd be everything you admire
If only I could find the fire
I'd be gold if I wasn't rust
I'd be on you if you weren't a must
I'd be everything you desire
If only I could find the fire in us
Same as above. It's a great chorus, just the last line is off.

Overall it was pretty good. I've read your other pieces and this pales in comparison to a lot of them. I think there's a lot you could do with this piece. A little more work and it'll be great.

Crit mine?
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=612788
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#16
you are my fire, my one desireeeeee
you are (you are) you are (you are)
aiiiiiiiin't nothin' but a heartache
ain't nothin' but a mistake
I never wanna hear you say
I want it that wayyyyyyy
tell me whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

anyways, I don't know how to comment on it since you'll claim it's a song and doesn't live up to normal judging criterion, which is probably true, but I thought this was cliche and overrepetitive for everything but the first four lines in the verses, but you're somewhat reaching there, so that it feels ridiculous and doesn't fit the tone of the rest (unless you're intentionally making it sound mocking/rediculous, which judging by your comments, I don't think you are). the chorus, and especially it's rhyme scheme, felt forced to me. you could make a song that flows much better, is less cliche and therefore hits much harder if you tried... I guess what I'm saying is I 100% agree with Ralph's comment. stay strong brother.

seriously, what does "I'd be on you if you weren't a must" mean?
#17
Wait, Ralph?

I'd be "on" her (in a suggestive way.. ) if she didn't make me feel like I had to, if you understand.

Thanks Corey.
#18
Quote by SilenceEvolves
you are my fire, my one desireeeeee
you are (you are) you are (you are)
aiiiiiiiin't nothin' but a heartache
ain't nothin' but a mistake
I never wanna hear you say
I want it that wayyyyyyy
tell me whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy





EDIT: Who's Ralph?
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#19
I have to say all your recent pieces are quite. Definitely some of the best you've written. I have to say though, I wasn't too fond of the verses. They just read kind of awkwardly to me. I did enjoy the pre-chorus ("the sunshine pull....") the chorus because they flowed so well.
#20
the chorus is my favorite part, and throwing vader in there too. nice
#21
A really good song. I particularly like the first four lines of the verses. I think they paint amazing pictures. Love the Vader stuff in the second verse, it brings the word "snap" to life. I like how there seems to be an undercurrent of brutality running through, reminds me of some of the Smiths or the Pixies stuff.

My only critisicms would be that because the verses are so descriptively written it makes the choruses seem a touch pedestrian when in reality, on their own, they are decent choruses. I'm guessig that as a song, the music takes over in the chorus and the lyrics become almost secondary? Anyway, that said great song, really good writing.

If you can crit mine that would be great, "I'm made of Asbestos" Thanks.
#22
Quote by Jammydude44
Because there's no music and you can't hear the melody in my head

And in poetry I am more conscious of the flow, meter, syllable count etc. I am completely capable of writing a song with good flow, I have shown that before, but generally in songwriting I write to the melody in my head.

Les Paul - I owe you x2 now. Thanks.

Calum - Great to see you man. Thanks.

Samoo- No I haven't. Work in progress

Jacob - Thanks man. Nice interpretation.


Just thought i'd drop by briefly my friend. I don't really have the time for this anymore, and to be honest i don't do much writing these days, so i just read some of the old regulars' work.