#1
If anyone here has read To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee, you'll understand the character's point of view in this poem. I highly recommend the book by the way Tell me what you think.

He was haunted with an overbearing
commitment to make me feel worthless.
A joker amongst kings, their collars
studded with beryl and corundum. He
felt empowered, fueled with synthetic
freedom, but everything he touched
turned immediately to stone. More
gray then the mourning of the Sun,
but if its light warms my skin perhaps
I can retain a shred of hope.

I have yet to see this compromise
that holds me captive to uncertainty.
And I already held more guilt than
I could handle, struck with the chord
of fragrant restraint. His anger felt the
mark of scrutiny, townspeople fretted in
obligatory hunger for the truth. But loyalty
proves more powerful than honesty. A
pinprick mapping the base of my spine
sends signals for my hair to stand on end.

I was in awe. His shadow proved more
enchanting than my father’s unrequited
respect. He was the faith in which I granted
my cautious attention. Wanted in a world I did
not belong. He made me feel like the most
translucent of diamonds, felt patterns within
my soul and reflected them through starlight.
I felt breathless, invincible. Immersed in the
compliance of my naivety, which I overcame with
error in my ways. And I became a traitor that day.

Regret thudded hard against my ribcage.
Bruised. And I looked past my father to truth,
where my answer predictably fell short.
I condemned him to a life that was undeserved,
cast him into the shadow of shame. My failure
is refracted within the barrel of a gun, used to
destroy acceptance among people I could never
know. Strangers, not quite friends, in which
I trusted more than blood.
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
Last edited by Chak at Jun 23, 2007,
#3
right cool!...i didnt really understand it at first but then i realized it was from mayellas point of view. after reading it a second time it makes good sence. good job!
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#5
Quote by Chak
If anyone here has read To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee, you'll understand the character's point of view in this poem. I highly recommend the book by the way Tell me what you think.

He was haunted with an overbearing
commitment to make me feel worthless.
A joker amongst kings, their collars
studded with beryl and corundum. He
felt empowered, fueled with synthetic
freedom, but everything he touched
turned immediately to stone. More
gray then the mourning of the Sun,
but if its light warms my skin perhaps
I can retain a shred of hope.

This is a strong and deep stanza, because there is alot of detail, and it has a good flow, and u seem to stress the fact that the guy was extremly greedy and power-hungry, however, u might want to take out "immediately" in the 7th line, it kind of ruins he good flow u had, and is unnecessary.

I have yet to see this compromise
that holds me captive to uncertainty.
And I already held more guilt than
I could handle, struck with the chord
of fragrant restraint. His anger felt the
mark of scrutiny, townspeople fretted in
obligatory hunger for the truth. But loyalty
proves more powerful than honesty. A
pinprick mapping the base of my spine
sends signals for my hair to stand on end.

This is an ok stanza. i see u like to use big words, well, uncommon words in ur work, and that is ok....in the right place. big words should only be used when they fit in with the flow, and if u don't u sacrifice flow with meaning, which is ok unless u can have good flow AND meaning. just something to remember next time u write

I was in awe. His shadow proved more
enchanting than my father’s unrequited
respect. He was the faith in which I granted
my cautious attention. Wanted in a world I did
not belong. He made me feel like the most
translucent of diamonds, felt patterns within
my soul and reflected them through starlight.
I felt breathless, invincible. Immersed in the
compliance of my naivety, which I overcame with
error in my ways. And I became a traitor that day.

U r a deep-minded mofo, thats good, keep that, but again u have the same flow issue as in the second stanza

Regret thudded hard against my ribcage.
Bruised. And I looked past my father to truth,
where my answer predictably fell short.
I condemned him to a life that was undeserved,
cast him into the shadow of shame. My failure
is refracted within the barrel of a gun, used to
destroy acceptance among people I could never
know. Strangers, not quite friends, in which
I trusted more than blood.

all in all, this was a very thought out and deep poem, which is always good, but u had some major flow issues. I kno it is a poem, and flow isn't very important, but poems also shouldn't have crappy flow either. aside from the flow issue, this was one of the best poems I have ever read, and I plan on reading more of ur work

crit 4 crit
An American problem
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=612417
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In the end, fact means nothing,
its all about perspective
#6
Excellent writing, really captured the tone of the book. I studied it many years ago and believe I am right in saying this is ??? There is little I can say but praise.

I wasn't sure of the sun/mourning line, it is quite an overused term in modern writing and I'm sure there's a more unique twist in your head somewhere. Ha, that's about it.

Both this and your last are a very welcome change for the forum, and I hope you stick around to make a name for yourself.

peACE
Steve

Edit: Have you ever been in S+L before?
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Jun 25, 2007,
#7
^Mayella*

I read this before, thought it was amazing, told you it was amazing, and now I'm just point here for bumpies and to tell you to keep it up.
#8
Oh **** it, that's who I meant, Ewell's daughter, the abused one? No wonder I did ****e in that exam. Perhaps I should re-read it before I comment next time.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Jun 23, 2007,
#9
Quote by hobozach
all in all, this was a very thought out and deep poem, which is always good, but u had some major flow issues. I kno it is a poem, and flow isn't very important, but poems also shouldn't have crappy flow either. aside from the flow issue, this was one of the best poems I have ever read, and I plan on reading more of ur work

crit 4 crit
An American problem
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=612417


Well, I respect your opinion about the flow, but to get the full effect of my work you'd have to watch me read it I play out rhythms with my hands and my body almost gets lost in the cadence of every word, so I know there is some flow in every one of my pieces Maybe I can take a video to let you see, it's pretty entertaining

Quote by The Hurt Within
Excellent writing, really captured the tone of the book. I studied it many years ago and believe I am right in saying this is Scout? There is little I can say but praise.

I wasn't sure of the sun/mourning line, it is quite an overused term in modern writing and I'm sure there's a more unique twist in your head somewhere. Ha, that's about it.

Both this and your last are a very welcome change for the forum, and I hope you stick around to make a name for yourself.

peACE
Steve


Yeah, I thought the Sun line was a little old but I didn't know what else to put. But thank you, I'll definitely come up with something else, there's no such thing as a perfect first draft
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#10
sure, I think that would be pretty interesting to see, pm or email me
My guitars:

Ibanez RG5EX1
Eleca Dread Acoustic
Dean ML

My FX: Line 6 Floor POD Plus

In the end, fact means nothing,
its all about perspective
#11
Quote by The Hurt Within
Edit: Have you ever been in S+L before?


Nope. I rarely came in here because I felt that I didn't have much to contribute. But over the last few years I've really gotten into poetry, the last 6 months especially because my writing teacher in school is a slam poet in Toronto, Lara Bozabalian, she's amazing and such an inspiration and she's made me fall in love with writing... and yeah, that's my story
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#12
wow this was fantastic. Flow and imagery were great and the ideas were lovely as well.

I loved monologue too but I missed this one at first.
I look forward to seeing more from you

jimi!
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Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#13
Very deep and thought out. I havent written anything in a few weeks, and you've inspired me to get off my bum and do something :p.

Great book btw, definitely a must read
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#16
Wow man, this was an excellent poem. Rather deep mind you. I hope to see more of your future work!
#17
eh....it was good writing...but it lacks something. i dont know what though.
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