#1
This is probably the most hardcore (topic wise) song i've ever written. All constructive criticism is welcome, but nothing against what the piece is about, it has a lot of meaning to me. If you have any ideas for a better title, it would be greatly appreciated.

V1
He makes promises he'll never keep
Has a different girl every other week
His two daughters are sitting at home
Went to a party and left them alone

V2
Comes home so drunk that he falls
He's pissed so he takes it out on the wall
His girls look at the hole he made with his fist
They hope they're not next on his list

Chorus
Every night she closes her eyes
Prays the beer won't make her daddy die
She pretends one day they'll get a new life
And maybe her dad could have another wife
But the one thing she wants most of all
Is for him to stay away from the alcohol

V3
The next morning he tries to be her dad
She pushes him away and he only gets mad
Fed up with life, he runs out the door
Leaving his girls crying on the floor

Chorus
She closes her eyes and begins to think
Maybe she's what drives her dad to drink
She prays someday he'll see the light
And then they won't have to always fight
Because the one thing she wants most of all
Is for him to stay away from the alcohol

V4
Eight years later he's still the same
She doesn't think he'll ever change
Now her sister is out on her own
And that leaves her with him alone

Chorus
Every night she closes her eyes
Prays the beer won't make her daddy die
Now she knows he'll never have a new life
Never sober long enough to get another wife
Still the one thing she wants most of all
Is for him to stay away from the alcohol

Thanks for reading!
Last edited by Cyclones41 at Jun 25, 2007,
#2
This is a fantastic song. Everythings is easy to understand but it remains very dramatic. I love the chorus. It's great that everything flows well throughout and the final line is "Is him to stay away from the alcohol. I think this line could be better flow-wise however:

She pretends one day they'll get a new life
And maybe her dad could have a wife


I think the last line is a little too short. I think you should make it "And maybe her dad could have another wife". I think it'd help the flow.

And when she pushes him away he only gets mad

I think this is too long and makes the third verse a little choppy.

Other than those minor flaws, this is a great song. I really enjoyed it. It's not too complicated but it's very powerful. Nice job, this'll be a fantastic song. BTW, keep the title.

Crit Mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=610640
Last edited by Green Clash at Jun 23, 2007,
#3
It is rough. Quite simple, but effective. I like it anyway. It sounds so...true. I'm sure this is a situation that happens horribly often.

Well done.
Oh no he just divided by zero again...*gets sucked into vortex*

Originally Posted by Sirwinston89
whoa man this is turning into the Dream Theater appreciation thread!!! If only every thread kicked this much ass!


You're welcome
#4
Hey dude that is a masterpiece seriously you mastered the subject and i loved reading every single line ,i had no problem with it cause it was orginal and really simple and it looked like it was really worked on for a long time...i dont care what anyone says this piece is art but the only little things that bothered me was it didnt sound hard-core like really but it was still great job
#5
I thought when I read the title that it might be a song full of meaning but with no colour or style, but you've got everything there, it's nicely written and clearly a very personal piece. Absolutely love the second chorus:-

She closes her eyes and begins to think
Maybe she's what drives her dad to drink

I think that is so powerful. Also really like the use of "still" in the last chorus, I think that really frames the line well. Sorry can't really find too much wrong with this, great song!
#6
Wow, that is really impressive. It is really easy to follow and has a very expressiv character. You shoukld think about changing the title though, it is too obvious... well, something like that. You know what I mean?
#9
wow, this is deep, very powerful stuff here, theres not much to say really, it was simple but u still got the point across very strongly, the flow was excellant, sry if this wasnt much of a crit, thanxs for criting mine
My Music
http://www.myspace.com/theocifers
GUITARS:
Gibson ES-335
Gretsch Pro Jet
Guild Acoustic
1958 Harmony Hollowbody Archtop
AMPS & EFFECTS:
Vox Valvetronix AD50VT
Vox V847A Wah Pedal
Electro-Harmonix USA Big Muff
Danelectro Daddy-O
#10
the only thing i dont like is the repetition of the word girl in the first part, change the second one to daughters or something, title of the song should be Daddy's Girl or Daddy's Little Girl or something
#11
Quote by Cyclones41
This is probably the most hardcore (topic wise) song i've ever written. All constructive criticism is welcome, but nothing against what the piece is about, it has a lot of meaning to me. If you have any ideas for a better title, it would be greatly appreciated.

V1
He makes promises he'll never keep
Has a different girl every other week
His two girls are sitting at home
Went to a party and left them alone

This verse isn't all that deep, it still carries the message across. it might have more effect if u take out "other" in the second line.

V2
Comes home so drunk that he falls
He's pissed so he takes it out on the wall
His girls look at the hole he made with his fist
They hope they're not next on his list

This is a strong verse, good flow here, and i can clearly see the message

Chorus
Every night she closes her eyes
Prays the beer won't make her daddy die
She pretends one day they'll get a new life
And maybe her dad could have another wife
But the one thing she wants most of all
Is for him to stay away from the alcohol

Good flow, nothing wrong, but nothing spectacular about the chorus either

V3
The next morning he tries to be her dad
She pushes him away and he only gets mad
Fed up with life, he runs out the door
Leaving his girls crying on the floor

Really well written here, nothing bad to say, a very good verse

Chorus
She closes her eyes and begins to think
Maybe she's what drives her dad to drink
She prays someday he'll see the light
And then they won't have to always fight
Because the one thing she wants most of all
Is for him to stay away from the alcohol

V4
Eight years later he's still the same
She doesn't think he'll ever change
Now her sister is out on her own
And that leaves her with him alone

Another good verse

Chorus
Every night she closes her eyes
Prays the beer won't make her daddy die
Now she knows he'll never have a new life
Never sober long enough to get another wife
Still the one thing she wants most of all
Is for him to stay away from the alcohol

Thanks for reading!


this was an interesting piece, because I hardly ever see these kind of pieces on here, I enjoyed it a lot, sorry for the sucky crit, but there really wasn't much wrong with it. A good piece of work

crit 4 crit?
No Dollar Left Behind
My guitars:

Ibanez RG5EX1
Eleca Dread Acoustic
Dean ML

My FX: Line 6 Floor POD Plus

In the end, fact means nothing,
its all about perspective
#12
I read this before you even crited mine, I just thought it was so well done I didn't need to say anything. This is an excellent piece that gets the point across with a strong message. The imagery is great and it's not choppy. Great piece!
LimbLifter is the best band in the world! and they're Canadian .
#14
wow, this is amazing! evey single line, kept me wanting to read more! really really powerfull! seriously, this is awesome! this is my favorite verse

4
Eight years later he's still the same
She doesn't think he'll ever change
Now her sister is out on her own
And that leaves her with him alone


seriously, there's nothing bad i can say about this! very well done!
If every simple song i wrote
would take your breath away
i'd write it all
#15
She pretends one day they'll get a new life
And maybe her dad could have another wife


I would use "new" instead of "another". I know that was a correction based off another crit, but I think the new, new thing would be better.

Very very good piece, the flow is very good, and the imagery is solid. It doesn't leave alot left to the imagination, which is ok with pieces like this I think.

Good job.
#16
that was pretty cool. It had a few flow problems (verse 2 es.), and some of the lines were a bit naff, but overall i liked it. The themes are simple, yet deep and powerful. It could be the lyrics to any type of song (genre-wise). You should be proud of this. 8/10
#17
this is really really good. I like the subject matter. I don't know what style of music it is, but with the short verses and longish chorus, it seems like it would flow nicely in a country song. mine is Please Mr. Butcher Man, if you'd like to crit it.
#18
This is absolutely amazing...wow. I loved it. The subject is...it could really reach out to a lot of people; so many can relate. Very, very good! Keep me updated if you get another song on here
cHEER uP, eMO kiD!
#20
wow this was so great. structure, rhythm, rhymes, and it just overall flowed really well. nothing seems forced...this is just really good, id on't know what else to say. 10/10

brittany
crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=614037
#21
Really well rhymed i have no patience for rhymes as you could probably tell by mine so i respect anyone that does...and pulls it off successfully.
my only point is more a pet hate...i just loathe it when people break up stanza's with
"v1" or "chorus"
i just find it interrupts the flow, and looks less appealing!
haha though i don't expect you to really care about that, or change it.
i just find it looks more proffessional...if that is the correct term
or indeed an end you wish to achieve...hmmm

nice though...


x
#22
wow...how do you say brilliant? other than the "she" parts this reminds me of my life man(im a guy :P). ddaaaaang creepy. love the song. the imagery is great, the rhyming scheme works out well. 10/10 in my book man! keep it up!
#23
I loved it, it was really good. It's really sad, but it happens all the time. Keep it up!
"Penis"
"That's right kids, I said penis"
:stickpoke
98% of teens have been around or have had alcohol. Put this in your sig if you like bagels.
#27
I rather like the flow of it. Great work, cyclones.
SAVE THE JAZZ

"Remember, there are two kinds of people in the world:
People who finish things, and"
#28
Hey, nice job. I did expect somthing else when you said hardcore. good job anyway