#1
This is the TRUE re-write of An American problem, i'm sorry if I'm posting too much, but I want to get this out here before anyone reads my current re-write and gets the wrong impression of me, OR my work. I think this kept the meaning the old one had, flows better, and has better structure. Again, if u have read the first one, and u still think the first one is better, please at least tell me y. Will crit 4 crit. Just so there is no confusion, this piece is truly about how Capitalism really brings us down, and creates unfair and unnecessary poverty

Verse
Looking for a new way out
as i walk among the pessimists
that fill me with doubt
and drain me of my dignity

Searching for an answer
as to why I'm stuck here
but only to find more questions
as to what i really fear

Chorus
In the end
it all boils down
to who has the better car
or who has never worn a frown
In this world
you will never find
a country without a bank
or a dollar left behind

Verse
Confronted by my future
Haunted by my past
looking up at God,
hoping this will never last
Is it my fault
that I cannot seem find
the bits and pieces
my conscious left behind

Chorus repeats

Bridge
With the need
to compete
to lie
and deceive
to bring about
our final day,
we'll never find
a better way
to learn from
our mistakes.
the mistakes
we made
yesterday

chorus repeats

there will be more, this all I've got so far. Again, i say, will crit 4 crit
My guitars:

Ibanez RG5EX1
Eleca Dread Acoustic
Dean ML

My FX: Line 6 Floor POD Plus

In the end, fact means nothing,
its all about perspective
Last edited by hobozach at Jun 24, 2007,
#3
Quote by hobozach
This is the TRUE re-write of An American problem, i'm sorry if I'm posting too much, but I want to get this out here before anyone reads my current re-write and gets the wrong impression of me, OR my work. I think this kept the meaning the old one had, flows better, and has better structure. Again, if u have read the first one, and u still think the first one is better, please at least tell me y. Will crit 4 crit. Just so there is no confusion, this piece is truly about how Capitalism really brings us down, and creates unfair and unnecessary poverty

Verse
Looking for a new way out
as i walk among the pessimists
that fill me with doubt
and drain me of my dignity

Searching for an answer
as to why I'm stuck here
but only to find more questions
as to what i really fear

^^I like the 2nd stanza, it really puts out the main point in the song.

Chorus
In the end
it all boils down
to who has the better car
or who has never worn a frown
In this world
you will never find
a country without a bank
or a dollar left behind

^^The chorus is great. The rhyming syncs very well together.

Verse
Confronted by my future
Haunted by my past
looking up at God,
hoping this will never last
Is it my fault
that I cannot seem find
the bits and pieces
my conscious left behind

^^I kinda lost a bit of the song here because it seems more soulful than political. I just didn't really see the connection between the 1st verse and the 2nd verse.

Chorus repeats

Bridge
With the need
to compete
to lie
and deceive
to bring about
our final day,
we'll never find
a better way
to learn from
our mistakes.
the mistakes
we made
yesterday

^^Well, it all works, just the way you set it up for me was a bit confuzzling.

chorus repeats

there will be more, this all I've got so far. Again, i say, will crit 4 crit

All in all, I like it. I think just fixing up the 2nd verse a bit would be good.
METAL, LIVE IT, LOVE IT
"Whatever music is to you, folk, ska, stupid, contemporary whatever...Whatever it is to you, that's what it is. To us, it's life...."-Dave "Stage "Williams
#4
Verse
Looking for a new way out
as i walk among the pessimists
that fill me with doubt
and drain me of my dignity

i like the first person point of view--definitely gives this a more personal touch


Searching for an answer
as to why I'm stuck here
but only to find more questions
as to what i really fear

this is a good stanza, but it doesn't really stand out. it works though within context.

Chorus
In the end
it all boils down
to who has the better car
or who has never worn a frown
In this world
you will never find
a country without a bank
or a dollar left behind

this stanza pulls it all together concisely

Verse
Confronted by my future
Haunted by my past
looking up at God,
hoping this will never last
Is it my fault
that I cannot seem find
the bits and pieces
my conscious left behind

i REALLY like this one because it sounds just complicated enough and flows very well


Chorus repeats

Bridge
With the need
to compete
to lie
and deceive
to bring about
our final day,
we'll never find
a better way
to learn from
our mistakes.
the mistakes
we made
yesterday

good way to end it


i like the originality of this theme, its a nice change, and good to read. overall i like it a lot, i could see it as a song for sure. keep it up, good job. 9/10
#5
Quote by hobozach


Verse
Looking for a new way out
as i walk among the pessimists
that fill me with doubt
and drain me of my dignity
this is an amazingly crafted verse. everything flows. everything fits. perfection

Searching for an answer
as to why I'm stuck here
but only to find more questions
as to what i really fear
again, really well. but i dont like how you repeat "as to". maybe you could say... confirming what i really fear? i dont know. but.. yeah.

Chorus
In the end
it all boils down
to who has the better car
or who has never worn a frown
In this world
you will never find
a country without a bank
or a dollar left behind
nice nice. you pretty much symbolized everything that our society stands for. the urgency to be completely superficially perfect. i love it.

Verse
Confronted by my future
Haunted by my past
looking up at God,
hoping this will never last
Is it my fault
that I cannot seem find
the bits and pieces
my conscious left behind
did you mean to say conscience?

Chorus repeats

Bridge
With the need
to compete
to lie
and deceive
to bring about
our final day,
we'll never find
a better way
to learn from
our mistakes.
the mistakes
we made
yesterday
i love it.

chorus repeats

there will be more, this all I've got so far. Again, i say, will crit 4 crit


i love this so much. it just ... is so true. your line breaks are nice, your vocabulary is good, and it has good structure for a song. i love it.

thanks for getting mine
darkangel322
The only truly consistent people are dead people.

#6
Very nice job.
ussually im not really into political peices cause alot of them just harp on the same phrases and messages but i found this REALLY orignal and well done. It had a great message, was well writtin in terms of flow and i thought the subtlee rhyming was great.
I thought the chours was AWESOME and i could really picture it to some music, especially the:
In this world
you will never find
a country without a bank
or a dollar left behind

Very catchy lol.
The only thing i didnt like in this whole peice was the end.
to learn from
our mistakes.
the mistakes
we made
yesterday

For some reason this doesnt flow with me, the repeat of mistakes and then the last word.
I unno its prolly just me.
In the end i loved it, really well writtin and great theme. keep up the good work.
Also thanks for the crit on mie, would you mind checkin out the other two?