#1
so. i wrote two versions to this poem and I'm trying to decide which one i like more.

here is the second version.

seedless watermelon

I arrived a tiny seed in the belly of a watermelon
and sprouted a patch of weeds that continued to grow
and grow
and grow,
in a farrow field where you count the sheep as they
jump over the picket fence
into an endless abyss of happiness.
The magic man with the magic hands
is levitating above the marrow ocean as he
refills his bones and
continues to float like a wooden boat made of
antique houses and deserted
real estate.
The opera singer,
the trapeze swinger,
the voice on the intercom slurring his
speech as he steers our train on a
guided track through tunnels of light
and the scenery in sight;

birds perched on Rushmore's wrinkles
pecking out the eyes.

ice caps melting into
calm seas,
as the polar bears dance to the
arctic beat.

cosmic interactions between
her,
me,
and everyone that we know
that make me think,
we aren't really here.
well, atleast not alone.


ill post a link to the other piece so you can see which you like more
Last edited by rushmore at Jun 24, 2007,
#2
This is really surreal, and psychedelic, I like, I like, I bet if this was turned into a song, and made into a music video, it would be fricken sweet as hell. but thats waaaaaay besides the point. this poem was really well written, not much bad to say, sorry the crit sux, but I don't have anything that would help make it better, a good piece of work

crit 4 crit?
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its all about perspective
#4
hmmmm, I thouroghly enjoyed this one, as i did the other one. I'll try to compare and contrast them in a bit but I thought I'd say that, although I'll bet some people will disagree, I liked these watermelon pieces most out of what I've read from you... ever.

Good stuff, man.

5 minutes later (edit): After looking back, I think it's safe to say that this second one feels more complete and I for sure like the opening better. The other one had some great ideas but this one seemed to have something more and flow better. One thing I noticed is that alot of the rhymes that were obvious did not seem forced. Cool for sure.
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Last edited by jiminizzle at Jun 24, 2007,
#7
Quote by rushmore

seedless watermelon

I arrived a tiny seed in the belly of a watermelon
and sprouted a patch of weeds that continued to grow
I just have to say, this completely reminded me of Rugrats. (Which is a good thing.) Where the watermelons grow in Chuckie's belly. Random, but good.
and grow
and grow,
in a farrow field where you count the sheep as they
jump over the picket fence
into an endless abyss of happiness.
The magic man with the magic hands
is levitating above the marrow ocean as he
refills his bones and
continues to float like a wooden boat made of
antique houses and deserted
This part flows really well. I really enjoyed the diction such as "farrow" paints a vivd picture. I really like the flow, but it's after "deserted" I don't know how to go. Without any breaks in the piece, it comes off almost as a run-on sentence does.
real estate.
The opera singer,
the trapeze swinger,
the voice on the intercom slurring his
speech as he steers our train on a
guided track through tunnels of light
and the scenery in sight;
I like this, but I seemed to lost the theme. Only problem here.

birds perched on Rushmore's wrinkles
pecking out the eyes.

ice caps melting into
calm seas,
as the polar bears dance to the
arctic beat.

cosmic interactions between
her,
me,
and everyone that we know
that make me think,
we aren't really here.
well, atleast not alone.

Hmmm....I like the piece, a lot. The only problem I had seeing was the theme, the purpose. I didn't see it all come together.



Nice piece, a few flaws, but really what piece doesn't have any? I liked it, but just like previously stated, I had trouble finding the main theme. Excellent, good luck. Thanks for critiquing my piece as well. Peace.
#8
liked it apart from the "endless abyss of happiness" bit. Dont know why but maybe that lines a bit OTT. Good stuff though!
#9
Quote by rushmore
I arrived a tiny seed in the belly of a watermelon mebbe me favourite line in this piece
and sprouted a patch of weeds that continued to grow
and grow
and grow, repitition works once here, not twice, cut out this line i would
in a farrow field where you can count the sheep as they
jump over the picket fence
into an endless abyss of happiness.
i actually like this line.
The magic man with the magic hands
is levitating above the marrow ocean as he
refills his bones and great flow
continues to float like a wooden boat made of
antique houses and deserted
real estate. this part disrupted the flow, but i like that, it sort of works to lead on to the next part. also like the "float","boat"
The opera singer,
the trapeze swinger, forced rhyme? don't really like this line
the voice on the intercom slurring his
speech as he steers our train on a
guided track through tunnels of light
and the scenery in sight;
good 4 lines.

birds perched on Rushmore's wrinkles
pecking out the eyes.

ice caps melting into
calm seas,
as the polar bears dance to the "as the polar bear dances to the" might work better. the extra syllable seems to improve the flow
arctic beat.
very nice 4 lines, try the suggestion tho..

cosmic interactions between
her,
me,
and everyone that we know
that make me think,
we aren't really here.
well, atleast not alone.
not sure what to make of this.. it's interesting but doesnt really seem to fit in with the rest of the piece. but it is well-written


An interesting read, i enjoyed it. Few odd bits n bobs in places which could be improved. Overall, it was pretty strong.
If you dont mind, could you comment on Your Mind Is A Moose? the link is in my sig.
#10
Quote by rushmore
so. i wrote two versions to this poem and I'm trying to decide which one i like more.

here is the second version.

seedless watermelon

I arrived a tiny seed in the belly of a watermelon
and sprouted a patch of weeds that continued to grow
and grow
and grow,
in a farrow field where you count the sheep as they
jump over the picket fence
into an endless abyss of happiness.
The magic man with the magic hands
is levitating above the marrow ocean as he
refills his bones and
continues to float like a wooden boat made of
antique houses and deserted
real estate.
The opera singer,
the trapeze swinger,
the voice on the intercom slurring his
speech as he steers our train on a
guided track through tunnels of light
and the scenery in sight;

birds perched on Rushmore's wrinkles
pecking out the eyes.

ice caps melting into
calm seas,
as the polar bears dance to the
arctic beat.

cosmic interactions between
her,
me,
and everyone that we know
that make me think,
we aren't really here.
well, atleast not alone.


ill post a link to the other piece so you can see which you like more


I really like this, it creates nice imagery as someone has already said, psychedelic-like. I LOVE the last verse i found interesting how you used cosmic interactions, i also liked the last two lines it kinda gave it a twist. I really see nothing wrong with it, I like it how it is now.
Can you post a link to the first part? I'd love to take a look at it.

Also can you crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=619881
#11
I love some things about this one, and I love some things about the other one. There are a lot of ridiculously amazing and clever images.

I love this one and I love the other one.
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いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
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じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


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#12
very psychedelic, not exactly my style, to happy :P but I like it for what it is (if that makes sense) thanks for the crit. sorry mine sucks I'm kinda new to writing
#14
i really don't no what to say about how to make ur song better bcz it is already awesome and like some others said psychedelic i think if i could ever write something as cool as this i would be content with myself for awhile
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#16
i really love this poem in my relaxed state of mine. i really like the counting sheep phrase it really made me aware of an imagery i knewdeep inside, like you completed a piece of the puzzle. i much like the second half of this song especially the melting of the icecaps. one thing that is far beyond me is the magic man with magic hands lines, i have no idea? keep it up, love the imagery and the 'randomness' of subjects flowing into one another.
#18
I arrived a tiny seed in the belly of a watermelon
and sprouted a patch of weeds that continued to grow-nice weed/seed rhyme. I like.
and grow
and grow,I'm not too keen on this but that's just me. It's good, but I don't like it much
in a farrow field where you count the sheep as they
jump over the picket fence
into an endless abyss of happiness.-It is obivious that an abyss is endless IMO
The magic man with the magic hands---I like the paralellism.
is levitating above the marrow ocean as he
refills his bones and
continues to float like a wooden boat made of
antique houses and deserted
real estate. Brilliant up to here. Ace
The opera singer,
the trapeze swinger,
the voice on the intercom slurring his
speech as he steers our train on a
guided track through tunnels of light
and the scenery in sight;
I'm assuming it's a metaphor but it seemed to be sort of random imo

birds perched on Rushmore's wrinkles
pecking out the eyes.

ice caps melting into
calm seas,
as the polar bears dance to the
arctic beat.

cosmic interactions between
her,
me,
and everyone that we know
that make me think,
we aren't really here.
well, atleast not alone.

That was a really solid ending. I liked this more than the first one which seemed much more out of control, as you said it seemed like many ideas in one. This was a great read, different but still great. In some places it seemed to trail off the main point. It didn't matter though. Nice one! C4C: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=621045