#1
so i wrote this about 5 minutes ago, and this is really personal but i would like some crits on the lyrics themselves. thanks.

San Francisco Brings Back Memories

[Verse]
Walking down the streets of San Francisco
The smell of garlic catches my attention
And thoughts of you surface in my mind
You look so cute in your shirt and jacket
Makes me think of the times we spent together
Never a minute wasted, let me tell you a secret

[Chorus]
I’d love to runaway with you tonight
Stay out late and fall asleep in your arms
I’m missing the taste of your kiss
So will you come and hold me tight?

[Verse]
Late night drives all alone in your car
I’d sneak out just to be with you
Take a drive down your secret road
With your fingers interlaced with mine
At 2 AM, San Jose looks so beautiful below
And I never want to leave your side tonight

[Chorus]
I’d love to runaway with you tonight
Stay out late and fall asleep in your arms
I’m missing the taste of your kiss
So will you come and hold me tight?

[Verse]
Let’s pullover at the side of the road
I’m selfish—I want you all to myself
To the backseat, let’s get this party started
Your body is moving so steady to the rhythm
I don’t mind the flashing headlights
If we can fog up the windows

[Bridge]
So stay right here, right by me
I never wanna let you go
Stay right here, right by me
I never wanna let you go
We’re nothing short of invincible
And it feels like nothing is impossible

[Chorus]
I’d love to runaway with you tonight
Stay out late and fall asleep in your arms
I’m missing the taste of your kiss
Can I say I love you before it all falls apart?
Last edited by KrazyKingsFreak at Jun 24, 2007,
#2
Quote by KrazyKingsFreak
so i wrote this about 5 minutes ago, and this is really personal but i would like some crits on the lyrics themselves. thanks.

San Francisco Brings Back Memories

[Verse]
Walking down the streets of San Francisco
The smell of garlic catches my attention
And thoughts of you surface in my mind
You look so cute in your shirt and jacket
Makes me think of the times we spent together
Never a minute wasted, let me tell you a secret

This didn't really flow very well, but it looks like a song with acoustic guitar, so thats not really an issue

[Chorus]
I’d love to runaway with you tonight
Stay out late and fall asleep in your arms
I’m missing the taste of your kiss
So will you come and hold me tight?

this chorus reminds me of a song i wrote...yesterday actually...creepy, but anyways, I like it, again not much flow, but yet again, not an issue

[Verse]
Late night drives all alone in your car
I’d sneak out just to be with you
Take a drive down your secret road
With your fingers interlaced with mine
At 2 AM, San Jose looks beautiful below
And I never want to leave your side tonight

this actually reminds me of me and MY girlfriend...again creepy. u might want to take out "tonight" in the last line, caught out of context the last line would look reeeeeeeeeeaaaly bad

[Chorus]
I’d love to runaway with you tonight
Stay out late and fall asleep in your arms
I’m missing the taste of your kiss
So will you come and hold me tight?

[Verse]
Let’s pullover at the side of the road
I’m selfish—I want you all to myself
To the backseat, let’s get this party started
Your body is moving so steady to the rhythm
I don’t mind the flashing headlights
If we can fog up the windows

this went from all warm and fuzzy, to hot and furry, if u get wat i mean. when writing love songs peeps typically don't go from mushy gushy to horny as hell, but I guess thats wat makes this piece original, so its not really a bad thing...if u don't plan on singing it to a girl

[Bridge]
So stay right here, right by me
I never wanna let you go
Stay right here, right by me
I never wanna let you go
We’re nothing short of invincible
And it feels like nothing is impossible

that was...just a little odd. I'm assuming that this is after u did it?

[Chorus]
I’d love to runaway with you tonight
Stay out late and fall asleep in your arms
I’m missing the taste of your kiss
Can I say I love you before it all falls apart?



an interesting piece, although the 3rd verse seemed like it was a little out of context, it was still a good song, I liked it, nothing wrong with it, I give it a 10/10, excellent work

crit 4 crit?
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#4
I liked this, it painted a picture in my head. My favorite part was the second verse I imagined one of those point places in movies where all the teenagers drive with their boyfriends and girlfriends and there's a view of city below, i don't kinda wierd, but that's what I thought of. I give it a 8/10 good job.
#5
Dude it has strong points, the first is the whole idea of the song. The verses and chorus need bit of work on flow, but that could just be a matter of what genre of music this is. I think my favorite part was the chorus. Try throwing in some key words from the chorus into the bridge, it would flow better. Thanks for the crit, please crit Reckoning of You.
#6
Awesome ! I loved it, it painted awesome pictures in my mind, and it flowed really well. It was a really awesome mushy song, and probably would get any girl at least a little mushy. And yet, there's the part about the sex, kinky, but it doesn;t exactly fit this song. Other than that I liked it, alot, keep it up!
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#8
The only suggestion i have on the third verse is that the I'm selfish line is kinda cliched and needs work. Maybe you could put, Im selfish and now i have you to myself. Or just follow the selfish with something that relates to it but not as exact as i want you to myself. Any questions please ask, I really want to help. -peace Boywonder329
#9
you open the song nicely... i like the idea of the memories rushing back and all that, then you keep the listener interested with "let me tell you a secret"..

the chorus is a little cliche but other than that it's just fine... try changing it by adding some stuff on the unique parts of the relationship..

the second verse keeps the whole idea going.. good so far...

about the third verse... it goes from warm and romantic to..... =D niiiice! if this is indeed an acoustic song i imagine this is the time when it goes electric and the tempo gets faster? the line "let's get this party started", in my opinion, could be the main reason the 3rd verse seems so out of place, it seems like pure lust.. keep the whole idea of what they're doing, but tune down the heat =D, you don't have to change "you're body.... the windows" part.

aannd the ending is just fine.. other than the 3rd verse and the chorus, you need not make any more changes... pretty cool
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