#1
I'm going to send this to a friend of mine who needs help with some problems, but I wanted to see you if you guys could give me some help with it. Gah. c4c as always.


Its burning, surely it's working
You probably can't feel the webs
You're too complacent to worry
I wish you'd heed the words I've said

Stop hiding from the sun's flames
For a joy that can't cover it's shame
Look in the mirror, can't you see the decay?
Its been a sickening ride at the carnival,
Now there's only one way you can pay

You're numb from the venom
Step away from struggles and pain
Erase what we've established,
Like Judas, reject your faith

You are your own liability,
Don't let your possiblities remain untold
The roads to freedom yield to a coward's stability
But your new friends will leave you cold
#2
Quote by rockinlespaul
I'm going to send this to a friend of mine who needs help with some problems, but I wanted to see you if you guys could give me some help with it. Gah. c4c as always.


Its burning, surely it's working
You probably can't feel the webs
You're too complacent to worry
I wish you'd heed the words I've said

I like this, it flows veeeeery nicely, its like butta, and it sends the right message

Stop hiding from the sun's flames
For a joy that can't cover it's shame
Look in the mirror, can't you see the decay?
Its been a sickening ride at the carnival,
Now there's only one way you can pay

I like the rhyme scheme, its different than wat i'm used to seeing AND writing, and again, its like butta(butter)

You're numb from the venom
Step away from struggles and pain
Erase what we've established,
Like Judas, reject your faith

Nice, this is like WARM butta, it really gets that message across, very metaphorical, but yet concise and clear

You are your own liability,
Don't let your possiblities remain untold
The roads to freedom yield to a coward's stability
But your new friends will leave you cold

I really had nothing bad about this song/poem to say, very well written, and like your last piece, it sounds like it came from the heart, don't change it a bit, again, plan on me criting everything u write




10/10, absolutely perfect

crit 4 crit?
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#3
Dude i liked it, one part that felt a little forced to me was "coward's stability". But dont get me wrong i thought it was an awesome piece, hope to see more. peace- Boywonder329
#4
Pretty damn awesome.
Nothing I can see that's not awesome. =)
#5
I'm going to send this to a friend of mine who needs help with some problems, but I wanted to see you if you guys could give me some help with it. Gah. c4c as always.


Its burning, surely it's working
You probably can't feel the webs
You're too complacent to worry

I wish you'd heed the words I've said
With that part above, I wasn't 100 percent sure what you were saying by the webs but I'm thinking that you were saying something about being held back, or stuck, with the troubles of something and that he was acting to be fine with it? at least thats what I thought complacent meant

Stop hiding from the sun's flames
For a joy that can't cover it's shame

I'm still trying to understand this part, i half understand it, maybe you could try to clarify it or maybe its just something a little more complex than my 15 year old mind can comprehend lol =D


Look in the mirror, can't you see the decay?
Its been a sickening ride at the carnival,
Now there's only one way you can pay


I liked the way you used a ride on the carnival, and the rhyming scheme with decay and pay, something about it caught my attention I also liked that


You're numb from the venom
Step away from struggles and pain
Erase what we've established,
Like Judas, reject your faith

To someone who may understand a little more of religion, I think the last line could mean more, I'm not so much of a religious person. I am catholic but I do not attend church. From what I know about Judas I think he was the one who handed Jesus over or something of the sort, but it was what Jesus was asking for, However some people have different beliefs so do inform me about this please.


You are your own liability,
Don't let your possibilities remain untold
The roads to freedom yield to a coward's stability
But your new friends will leave you cold

I thought this was very powerful, I liked it a lot and I thought it was a perfect way to end it, because it left me thinking, when I say thinking though I don't want you to think I mean guessing, I think I understood the message you were sending, not that it really matters a lot but just so you can correct it, I respelled possibilities, probably just a typo though, no biggie just to point that out, again no big deal though.

Over all I liked the poem, if it were me it were to be sent to, I think it could easily relay a strong and to the point message, that may be something that your friend is looking for. I like how you write though and it's somewhat different in its own way. over all I liked it very much.

But, on another note. I would really like to thank you for taking the time to go into depth into my song. Because so far your the first to actually look that far into it, so I appreciate it and I think I will probably use some of your changes.
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C4C please
#6
First of all, thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. Anyways, I thought this piece was really good. I really liked the wording you used. Especially the "Reject your faith like Judas" line. The only line that I thought was awkward was the third line of the last stanza. It's just too long. Anyways, nice job and keep it up.
#7
hey i just wanted to let you know i did crit you back, just check your private messages inbox for it, i was having problems with posting so i sent it there. Just thought I'd let you know
My Gear:
Ibanez Gax 70 Gio electric guitar cherry red color
Epiphone PR-150 Acoustic guitar sunburst color
Crate MX10, 10 watt amplifier
Boss DS-1 Distortion effects pedal
Dunlop GCB95 Original Crybaby Wah Pedal
Allergic
C4C please
#9
well, you've got no problems with the flow here, short and simple.
I liked all the figurative-ness and all, it does the job fine, you don't have to change any of it cus you've got the right idea.
I liked the allusion to judas =D
last verse finishes it up fine, especially the last line gives the song a sense of finality. you're done. "cowards stability"... well written
soo i don't think you need to change a thing here, i thought the language was really clear and strong, go ahead, send it to your friend. i don't think you should try to improve it any more.. excellent

and thanks for the crit on my song
House: according to the philosophy of Jagger,
"you can't always get what you want"
cuddy: i looked up jagger. apparently
"if you try, you might just find, you get what you need"
huddy x]


Stalker.. much?
or
Runners High/Under the Sky
#10
Its burning, surely it's working
You probably can't feel the webs
You're too complacent to worry
I wish you'd heed the words I've said
I love the first line. I'd work on the last line a little bit though, I don't think you're word choice is too great there

Stop hiding from the sun's flames
For a joy that can't cover it's shame
Look in the mirror, can't you see the decay?
Its been a sickening ride at the carnival,
Now there's only one way you can pay
Again in the last line I don't think your word choice is so great but the rest of this stanza's really good actually

You're numb from the venom
Step away from struggles and pain
Erase what we've established,
Like Judas, reject your faith
I like this. this is my favorite part

You are your own liability,
Don't let your possiblities remain untold
The roads to freedom yield to a coward's stability
But your new friends will leave you cold
Sad ending. i love it

thanks for the crit
#11
wow really good, the flow was great, and the metaphors u used were great, i especially liked this verse,
You're numb from the venom
Step away from struggles and pain
Erase what we've established,
Like Judas, reject your faith.
i loved that verse, very metaphorical and deep, keep it up,sry it took me so long to crit back
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#12
Wow, this was great. I can't think of anything wrong with it atm. That's a first for me.